Award (way late) and catching up...

Sooo...I don't expect anyone to even comment on my blog or even visit....for the fact that I just can't get into the blogging mood, I have nothing for you.  A part of me is so busy transitioning into a new job (that I really do love), and a part of me is just kinda blahhhh.  Between the two, lately, I just can't find the positive energy to blog.  I'm loving that it's Christmas time (my sooo very favorite time of year), but this year there are just so many changes going on in our lives, that at times, it's a bit overwhelming.  If I haven't mentioned before, I'm not a fan of change...once I get in the swing of things, it's all good, but getting there can be tough. Still feeling enormously blessed, I just have to say that!!  I may bend, but I will not break :) 

Enough about me!!

My lovely friend Jenn, from  "The Future Fords" nominated me for a blog award.  So sweet of her!  (What's wrong is she nominated me weeks ago, but as stated above, I just now got to it).  I absolutely love Jenn.  I "met" her probably like 2 or 3 years ago on another blog/forum, staying in touch all the while.  Over the past year she started her blog as she began trying to conceive.  What I love about her is that we have a lot in common, and she is such a great writer with such transparency...once you read even one of her posts, you'll be hooked, she's very entertaining and just down to earth.  She has now found herself in the same "boat" as many of us...struggling to conceive :(  Please go visit her blog and show her some support, she's the best!

The Liebster Blog Award is given to blogs with less than 200 readers/followers.  I feel so special to receive this.  It's given to "smaller" blogs to help bring more recognition to their blog, and to help grow their followers.  Blogging has been an ahhhhmazing outlet for me, and with this support, IF has been more "bearable"!! 

So, now I must nominate 5 other wonderful bloggers with 200 or less followers.  My problem is that I've waited so long to do this, that I'm not sure who has received this or not.  If you've received it from me and you were already nominated by someone else, just be flattered ;)  If you haven't received it yet, make sure you do the following...

OK, so if I forward this award along to you, then you must also do the following:


1. Copy and paste the award onto your blog.

2. Thank the giver and link back to the blog who gave it to you.

3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

4. Hope that your followers will spread the love onto other bloggers!

Here are my 5:

1) Waiting and Wishing

2) Peace and Penguins

3) Brookshire Life

4) Journey Through IF

5) Still Dreaming

Love, love, love all these girls!!  Welcome to any new readers...I would love to check out your blog :)

Thank you again to Jenn @ The Future Fords!!

Feeding my soul...

One of my favorite blogs Kelly's Korner always has the "Show Us Your Life" link up posts.  A lot of times I have nothing to offer to link up for, and sometimes I do, but I'm just too lazy to do it (did I mention I'm a lazy blogger?).  A while back she had "Show Us Your Life-Favorite Devotionals"...I wanted so bad to link up and talk about my favorite devotional, because I'm so in love with it and it feeds me so much, spiritually,  e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y!  So, after reading today's devotion, I really want to share it with you in hopes that it will give you hope and the reminder that the Lord knows our hearts desires, and that He will not be late. This is the book...

November 20th (actually I'm behind a day, it was yesterdays):

Waiting may seem like an easy thing to do, but it is a discipline that a Christian soldier does not learn without years of training.  Marching and drills are much easier for God's warriors than standing still.

There are times of indecision and confusion, when even the most willing person, who eagerly desires to serve the Lord, does not know what direction to take.  So what should you do when you find yourself in this situation?  Should you allow yourself to be overcome with despair?  Should you turn back in cowardice or in fear or rush ahead in ignorance?

No, you should simply wait-but wait in prayer.  Call upon God and plead your case before Him, telling Him of your difficulty and reminding Him of His promise to help.

Wait in faith.  Express your unwavering confidence in Him.  And believe that even if He keeps you waiting until midnight, He will come at the right time to fulfill His vision for you.

Wait in quiet patience. Never complain about what you believe to be the cause of your problems, as the children of Israel did against Moses.  Accept your situation exactly as it is and then simply place it with your whole heart into the hand of your covenant God.  And while removing any self-will, say to Him, "Lord, 'Not my will, but yours be done' (Luke 22:42).  I do not know what to do, and I am in great need.  But I will wait until You divide the flood before me or drive back my enemies.  I will wait even if You keep me here many days, for my heart is fixed on You alone, dear Lord.  And my spirit will wait for You with full confidence that You will still be my joy and my salvation, 'for You have been my refuge, and a strong tower against the foe' (Ps. 61:3)."

This and That

So much going on with us these days!  Lots of good things, but still giving me lots to pray about to keep my worries at bay.

Before it gets too late to post about, I got a little crafty (yes, me) for my husbands Halloween costume.  We did a little role reversal thing....I was just hoping he would go for it.  I thought it would be hilarious if my hubs was a cheerleader and I was a football player (well, hilarious on his part, I was shooting for comfort on my part!).  I only have a couple pics from my blackberry, some of the people at the party we went to took some great pics, but I haven't gotten those yet.  So here is a pic of the skirt I bedazzled...I got it at TJMaxx...it was a woman's plain white tennis skirt-perfection!!  At first we decided that we were going to match teams for our outfits, but my mother-in-law suggested that I make him an Angel's cheerleader...his men's baseball team that he plays for that he is OBsessed with (yes, I know baseball doesn't have cheerleaders).  I was a Florida Gators football player.  How awesome is this bedazzled skirt??

This is the only picture of me that I got.  We are terrible at taking pictures!  It was a fun night, good friends and good times :)

On to more serious stuff ;)

**I got a new job!!  I'm very excited about it!!  My current job makes me want to jump from very high places on most days.  There are several reasons why I needed to make a change.  I start next week, I'm nervous but excited.  My sister's best friend works in the office at my new job, so it helps that I know her and I love her.  It's a much smaller office in comparison to where I work now...and this is perfect, it's what I've wanted and needed for a while now. 


**We put an offer in on an acre of land and they ACCEPTED our offer...WOOHOO!!  We've gone back and forth on where we actually want to build.  My hubs dad has some land we thought about building on, but it's right beside his mom's house and she will soon be selling, so we sought out other options.  Our lot is in this neighborhood that only has about 5 houses in it right now, and several other lots for sale.  My husbands brother and sis-in-law just bought a gorgeous home in this same neighborhood AND, my husbands sister and bro-in-law got accepted on an offer for land right beside us!!  Did you follow that?  So, basically my sis-in-laws and bro-in-laws (all 6 of us) will be in the same neighborhood...we're tight like that ;)  We all love the idea of being very close.  It's not quite a done deal yet, we are still holding our breath waiting to see if this land passes the perk test.  It's rumored that a few plots of land in this neighborhood have failed perk tests...which means the land is unbuildable.  It is getting perked this week and we should know something soon.  My sis-in-law and her hubs are awaiting the same test!  It would suck if one perked and one didn't or they both didn't...but we are believing they will pass!!  So, I will keep ya'll posted :)

**My husband is up to some big changes too, but I won't go into detail until those happen.  Like I said before, all good changes, but things to pray about to ensure we are making the right decisions.  All these changes are happening at the same time and I'm just spent worrying about every detail of them.  I sometimes wish I could go back to my "younger" days when I didn't take things so seriously and over think e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!  With that being said, though, I know exactly where to go when the worry starts to get to me...to the cross, lay it there.  The reassurance of God's promises keep me focused!

**I'm still working on my 90 days of supplements from the Naturopathic doctor.  I'm almost done with it, unless he has other plans when I go back.  I haven't noticed many changes, but I suppose I wouldn't really notice until we start trying again.  Which, by the way, not TTC is way wierd at this point.  Actually avoiding around ovulation is strange...and wrong, just sayin ;)  And then, with my new job, I won't have insurance right away...so I must continue to avoid TTC??!!  The clock just ticks...I'm now half way to my 34th birthday :( 

Soo...that was a long post.  I will wrap up now...I'll be back with updates :)

The best four years...

I'm still amazed on a regular basis that I am so richly blessed to be married to such an incredible man.  We celebrated our four year anniversary last Thursday!  These last four years have been a journey that I never could foresee.  It's amazing how you try and "plan" your life out...and God just laughs.  Even though our "plans" haven't come to fruition as we would like, we have each other and our relationship with the Lord...and that's all we really need.  Jeromy has been the rock in our relationship, he is mostly a fearless and very strong man.  He's not very emotional, but has the biggest heart.  I give him credit for strengthening my journey with the Lord, and this is what I'm most thankful for.

When I think of the enormous love I have for him, I am reminded of what led me to him.  I am reminded that through pain and suffering, the Lord actually is working in your life to bring you to a better place...ultimately to bring Him greater glory.  Shortly before I started dating my husband, I was in a relationship that ended very badly.  I had been engaged to a guy for about a year.  Throughout our relationship I saw several red flags, I ultimately chose to ignore those.  Looking back, these red flags should have been deal breakers, but I suppose when you're planning a wedding all you can see is the big picture...which is your wedding day.  Without getting into too much detail (b/c I have a public blog, and I'm not that kinda girl), he came to me three weeks before our wedding and told me that he couldn't go through with it.  This was a Friday night, and the next day was a combo wedding shower and bachelorette party...talk about devastation.  All I could think about was the embarrassment I was about to face.  All I wanted to do was cry, cry and cry some more and never leave my house.  In hindsight, I think I was more devastated and embarrassed about having to call off our wedding than actually not marrying him.

Shortly after ending that relationship, I met my husband (well I knew him, we just never got to know each other).  I only tell this story, as a testimony to what our God can do in our lives when all we see is devastation or loss...but in His precise plan, He is working to mend our hearts and to bring us to a higher place.  When I was engaged to that guy I was a Christian, but he was not; I wanted children, but he did not.  It was a perfect mis-match, and because I was blinded by certain things, my Lord took care of business for me...even when I wasn't looking for Him to do so, I'm ashamed to say.

I couldn't imagine life without my husband, and clearly neither could the Lord, because He divinely placed him there...glory be to God!!  I couldn't imagine going through this journey with anyone else, I just wanna shout from the roof tops how much I love this man of mine and how incredibly thankful I am for him!!!!  Our life isn't perfect, but I think there is beauty in that.  The journey that led me to my husband reminds me of the journey that we are currently on to have a child.  It's shaky, it's devastating...but we will remain faithful knowing that our Lord, full of grace and mercy, will indeed bless us in His own way in His own timing...and indeed, we will be in a higher place giving God all the glory!!

Mean bloggers

I'm such a hit or miss blogger.  Sometimes I get on a roll, and other times I just abandon the blogging world all together for a while!  The problem with this is, I start to lose track of my bloggy friends and it takes some serious time to catch up.  This problem coupled with the fact that I still can't comment on people's blogs most of the time (crushing to me), is making me look like a terrible blogger/friend.  I have emails I need to respond to, but my email is jacked right now...and I'm pretty sure this email problem and the commenting problem go hand in hand.  I know I'm kind of a big deal, right (?), but on the other hand I know ya'll aren't checking your emails/blogs daily for my comments/response...but just know that I'm working on it.  I'm still thinking about all of you and praying for all of you!!

So I was just reading this blog that I follow.  This lady has done like 3 IUI's, 3 IVF's and finally got pregnant on her third...what a journey!!  Well, she's several months into her pregnancy and has been receiving nasty comments and emails about her being pregnant.  WTH??  I absolutely cannot wrap my mind around sitting down at my computer, choosing an "anon" identity and then just blasting a woman for finally getting her blessing that she WORKED HARD for!  And the commenters?  Infertile women.  After reading many comments, it is of my opinion that for some infertile women it has become some sort of contest as to who has suffered more or who has spent more money.  I just became so enraged reading some of the things these women have said on her blog.  Infertility is awful, it really is.  It arouses some truly ugly emotions...here are few, but not limited to...bitterness, jealousy, depression, anger, confusion, guilt.  But, it should not be in our power to be able to unleash these emotions on, what used to be, our fellow infertile in the TTC journey.  Infertility is not a reason to be mean or hateful or hurtful!!

When I find out a fellow IFer is pregnant, my heart leaps in pure joy, honestly.  Because I am human and I'm just being honest...it does tend to be a little difficult to continue to follow their blog for the whole nine months.  It just becomes too painful to watch the growing belly.  With that said, my unflattering feelings and emotions are reserved for women that have children but don't want them, women who took too many jello shots and met Mr. Right Now and BAM...you catch my drift.  My heart hurts for this woman that is being put on blast.  Have ya'll seen this going on on blogs where IF women get pregnant?  What do you think?

Arts & Crafts disaster...

We thought it would be fun to do an arts and crafts night, you know, to mix things up.  Riiight.  The pictures do my arts and crafts catastrophe no justice.  In true Amy A-D-D doesn't.have.a.crafty.bone.in.her.body fashion, I started the project, got frustrated, got up and walked away, went back to the project, got more frustrated, ate the delicious dinner my friend cooked for us, went back to project and then quickly reached DEFCON level 5 frustration...and then gave UP on it!  Right after dinner A started working on her wreath.  Perfection.  Seriously??  Just a blow to my creative ego, thank you very much. 

So, we went to Michaels to get everything we needed, and long story short, we ended up having to do a different wreath because we couldn't anything other than neutral burlap colors. We started out wanting this one:

 And ended up doing this one:

Loove this wreath, however it's a little more complicated (to me) than the other one. It required stitching, yikes, and then cinching...clearly way over my head. Here is my wreath before I gave up.

My friend put hers together in about, um, like ten minutes...like it was no thang!  Just to be clear, it called for two layers (front and back) of the ruffle wreath, but we only had time for one layer.

The finished product isn't really finished.  Because we had to change our wreath last minute, we went to a different store and didn't have the items needed to finish it.  Even though my project turned out awful, we had a back-up plan...alas, a third grade project I can do!!  A coozy, a Halloween coozy!!

Lots of hot glue, puffy paint, foam zombies...YES!  Suffice it to say, there probably won't be many more arts & crafts nights, unless it is on an elementary level ;)  But, we did have fun...and that's most important, right?  The arrow on my head reads "I'm with creepy" ;)





HELP!!!

Does anyone know why I can't leave comments on blogs??  Especially blogspot blogs!  I have so much to say, lol!  I post a comment and hit the comment button, and then it disappears :(  Help!!

Gettin' crafty!

So who is tired of me talking about infertility??   I can just see you guys jumping up and down saying "ME, ME!" Ha!  Yea, well, me too...believe it or not!  I, myself, can't believe how much I can talk about infertility...it just monopolizes everything, booo!  So, in the last few days I've been really trying to think of things I can do to get my mind off of it already.  I made a date with a girlfriend of mine...and here is how our conversation went:


 Let's do something Friday night...
A: Um, I know you, you'll be too tired after work.
Me: Nah, I promise, I'm good...
A: Ok, let's do something out of our comfort zone!
Me: Sounds great, let's do it!
A: How about laser tag?
Me: No, does not sound fun whatsoever...and I'm 33, not 23 like you! (Yes, we are 10 years apart and yes, I know 33 isn't old)
A: Alright old lady...
Me:  How about roller skating?  (purely for shock value)
A: I'm 23, not 13...
Me: I was kidding about roller skating.
A:  How about bowling?
Me: Is this what it's come down to?
A: How about we just go see a movie, dinner and drinks? (the usual)
Me: I guess we don't have a choice (b/c there is absolutely nothing else to do), sounds good.  (NOT out of comfort zone whatsoever)

So then I get this great idea...let's be realllly lame and do arts and crafts, while having some wine of course!  Soooo...I start to google DIY fall projects....OMGoodness, wow there is so much.  WOW, people are soo creative and then spend a ton crap of time to take pictures, give a blow by blow on how to make it AND then blog about it!  So then, the next day this was our convo:

Me: How about a fall arts and crafts project and some wine!
A: So we go from laser tag to arts and crafts?
Me: Absolutely!
A: Awesome, let's do it!
Me: Yay...we're so cool!

This is what I found for us to do...it was A's idea to do a wreath, so this is what we settled on.  Hot glue guns, watch out!!

  http://www.craftaholicsanonymous.net/2011/09/burlap-fall-wreath-tutorial.html  Don't ya'll LOVE it??

I'm NOT creative whatsoever, but I like to be crafty (and I'm usually terrible at it)!  This might be the beginning of something...we shall see :)  I'll post some pics from our old lady arts and crafts night!  This might have to be a regular thing...

The journey

"Be kind because everyone is fighting some kind of battle".

I've heard this quote so many times, and I love the reminder that it holds.  I may have said this here before, but in some funky way I'm grateful for my infertility struggle.  If you can see the good through the bad or the bigger picture during troubled times or in times of waiting, it makes it far easier to get through.  I don't think for one minute that I'm waiting in vain (at times it may not sound like it here on my blog, through all the whining).  The big lesson I'm learning is that everyone certainly does struggle with something.  If we're being honest, I will say that it has taken this IF to help me to see it, fully understand it and act on it.  But, that is the beauty of struggle, pain, suffering, loss.

I was doing my daily blog readings a couple weeks ago and found that one of my IF bloggy friends announced she was three months pregnant!!  Her dream came true, her prayers were answered, all the hope she held onto finally became a reality...but the one thing that seemed to bother her was that this announcement would find other IF followers hurting.  The IF battle is so tricky and complicated.  I'm not so sure that anyone can truly unravel the tortuous and complex emotions that IF comes with.  Your dream comes true, but the sting of IF is still there.  Your prayers are answered, but your fears rise up for the stability of your pregnancy.  Your hope becomes reality, but yet you're apprehensive about sharing your joy with the IF community.  She is fully aware of others struggles.  The Lord came through for her, but while she waited, her heart was softened...in a way that only waiting on the Lord can do.

I understand, better, that so much lies in hope. It seems that people can survive almost anything, but not without hope. In all the wonderful blogs I visit, there seems to be one underlying message...hope. Hope endures.  If there is one thing that I can say to someone struggling with anything (reminding myself as well) is that the Lord knows your battle.  He placed it there.  He will get you through it, through His strength and grace alone. While you wait, pray for contentment. Always keep your hope alive, because He does want to grant you the desires of your heart...

Follow-up

First, thank you soo much for the encouragement and support...I know I say it all the time, but I'm more than grateful for my bloggy friends...this girl couldn't make it without ya'll!!  I'm finally getting a chance to follow up about my "new approach".  I went in for my first visit to go over everything and anything, and then a week and a half later (yesterday), I went in for my follow-up. 

After an "interview" of everything "female"...my new doc discovered that I had an estrogen dominance issue.  I went over a list of all the symptoms/markers for the ED issue (I gotta abbreviate it, it's a long one, but when I type ED it makes me think of erectile dysfunction for some insane reason, ha!).  To say that I had about 85% of the symptoms listed is kind of an understatement.  Shocker warning ahead...one of the big reasons he believes that it's an ED issue is because of my early onset of my period.  This is cuuuhhhrazy, but I started when I was EIGHT years old!  I know right?!  Just a little background story on that.  Who the heck talks to their eight y/o about puberty?  So when that went down, I was scared outta my mind...thought I was dying for obvious reasons!  Looking back now, all the drama was quite comical.  Basically, I have had about 30-45 more cycles than the average woman my age.  He explained that just the early onset alone signals an estrogen issue, not just the mere fact that I've had so many cycles for a 33 y/o woman.  Here is where my frustration lies...I inquired about the early onset to my gyno and RE, and they both brushed it off as no biggie.  I'm not saying that this is the entire problem, but clearly it signals that something is "off"!

He overwhelmed me (in a good way) with so much information regarding ED, supplements to assist it and my diet.  He explained that estrogen gets backed up in the liver, so I am on 3 supplements for liver cleansing, drops for uterine health and magnesium topical gel for anxiety (plus, magnesium deficiency is a symptom of ED and can lead to some nasty feelings of anxiety/depression).  Anxiety has been an issue for me for the past 3 years.  I was on Yaz birth control when I first got married, and had some major issues once I stopped it midcycle after a year of taking it...ever since then I have had this constant anxious personality.  I think the Yaz just contributed to my already existing issues...plus, surely ya'll have heard that Yaz is terrible anyways, hence the commercials and them pulling it off the market!  All in all, he thinks my anxiety is clearly hormonal related.

My doc seems soo full of great information and really sounds like he knows what he's talking about.  It's very interesting their view on things, as compared to conventional dr's.  He explained that the stuff that we are "fed" on TV and in society are so backwards to what we truly should be doing.  I can't even go over all the stuff, there was so much.  As far as nutrition, he is sending me an email today with a guideline that I should try and follow.  The top 3 things that I should avoid are gluten products (very hard apparently), artificial sweeteners and polyunsaturated fats.  The polyfats thing is just one example of one of the things that is being pushed right now to consume, but yet is not good for us.  It's really looking at things in a whole different way.  I'm really excited about this!!  Plus, taking a break for a few months will help with the stress tremendously!



A new approach

Let me preface this post by saying that I know the Lord has a specific and perfect plan for my life.  The last thing I want to do is sound hypocritical as a Christian.  I have had a few people tell me that maybe my own strong desire for a child isn't what the Lord has planned for me, and that maybe I should try and move on.  As a Christian, I am very aware that holding on to my own desires and trying to "control" them isn't going to make it happen.  It isn't what we are supposed to do.  We are supposed to bring it to the cross, leave it there and pray for God's will to be done.  For the most part, that is what I try and do.  I struggle with what I do try and control, all the "efforts" I put into trying to have a baby.  I've got to tell you, there is a very FINE line here.  A line that completely overwhelms me.  I have guilt that I'm not giving enough over to the Lord, that because I'm not, therefore I'm not getting my baby. Even before our first IUI, I asked my husband if we were doing the right thing...deep in my heart, I felt that we were "overriding" the Lord, so to speak.  My husband understood where I was coming from, but reminded me that the Lord created these amazing Dr's, with the wisdom and knowledge to help people like us.

Four IUI's later, we are at a place where we no longer want to pursue any more invasive procedures.  First, it's obviously not working and I physically just can't tolerate it, sometimes the hormones are just too much...I am very sensitive to it.  Second, we can't emotionally go through it anymore.  The roller coaster is like no other we've ever experienced.  And lastly, financially we are spent at this time.  I know there are women out there that are upwards of up to 60-70 thousand dollars in, and still no baby.  Words aren't enough for you, I can't even wrap my mind around that.  I pretty much refuse to do IVF because I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars and ending up not pregnant.  My heart literally breaks when I read these stories, enough to scare me right out of it...plus going back to not having enough money combined with the crazy hormones.

So, on to the title of this post...we are going to try something different.  I have read numerous stories about how naturopathic doctors can really facilitate the "infertile".  I feel good about going the "natural" path.  Basically, it's homeopathic remedies such as supplemental vitamins and a cleaner/healthier diet.  I've already had a brief consultation, which is going to be followed up by a couple very long appointments.  I don't have much to write about yet, because I haven't even had my "big" appointment yet.  In my consultation he was very encouraging about what he could do for me.  Apparently, it's all about getting down to the root of the problem instead of trying to "force" things, as he put it.  Plus, I believe it's an overall benefit for getting "balanced" in ALL areas.

So, this is where we are, and I will post after my appointment next week to let ya'll know how it goes.  I pray for all of my IF friends...that you are able to make peaceful decisions without the threat of guilt or anxiety.  That in His timing, you would have your perfect little blessing....


"Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

Pics..."Friday Family Fun Night"

Last summer we started this weekly "Friday Family Fun Night" with my hubs family.  We always enjoy coming together and relaxing from a long week!  Just wanted to share some pics...something a little more light hearted than the doom and gloom posts that I'm so good for lately, blaahhhh!!

                            Isn't he precious??  My hubs that is?  Yes, little Brayden is presh too ;)

                                                        Jeromy and his sweet little cousins

                                                                    Sweet Papaw!!

                                                               A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E

                                                          In deep thought apparently...

                                                 Enjoying my Friday nite adult beverage!!

                                                           My beautiful mother-in-law

                           Bwaahaaa, my sis-in-law really, I mean really enjoying her watermelon ;)

                                                                      Patti and I

                                                                     Sweet Charlie!!

        The guys...my bro-in-law, father-in-law, papaw-in-law and hubs....missing my other bro-in-law

  Us girls...MIL, me, sis-in-law, grandma-in-law and aunt-in-law....good law!!  Missing my other sweet SIL!

Oh boy, do I love this man!!!

Guarding your heart...

How is it possible to guard your heart from the pain of infertility??  The highs and lows. The countless pregnancy announcements from people that didn't even try, or try that hard.  The (unintentional) hurtful comments about how life without kids would be spectacular, or I can borrow their kids, or relax already, get drunk and go on vacay and it will happen then, maybe it's just not meant to be.  The cycles that seem to be getting more out of whack, even after a surgery that was supposed to "fix" the problem.  The hope that you hold onto so hard each cycle, slowly slipping away.  The crying fits with my husband that is supportive, but is growing weary himself.  The people that may (unintentional again) seem to have forgotten that you are still struggling emotionally and physically with your infertility.  The bold fact staring me in the face that we may not ever have a biological child....

BIG

Well, IUI #4 was a BIG fail.  I struggle with the why's, but I'll never know.  I feel like we're falling into the category of "unexplained infertility".  As I've said before, we're both blessed with good eggies and good swimmers...so something is amiss.  Before the lap surgery it was obvious why we couldn't get pregnant, but now I just don't know.

We are taking a very long break. I'm remembering how BIG my God is, how He will bless us in His own timing...not a minute too late. 

Thank you for all the support and prayers...couldn't make it through without them :)

Today

Just a quick post to recap.  I'm going for IUI#4 today.  Went yesterday and had one good follie @ 26mm, got the HCG shot at the office and I'm doing it at 3:30 today!  I feel realllly good about the timing of this one, just praying that it actually works!  I know I say this often, but I'm so blessed to have the support that I do here on my blog.  The IF community is amazing, and I couldn't do this w/o the knowledge and support that is given!  I will be back to give an update on our IUI...please pray for us!  Thank you :)  

2 years & IUI #4

As of today, I'm officially going on two years of TTC and failing miserably.  We started TTC in the month of June and I saw my first negative pregnancy test in July of '09.  It's official today because I've sadly started a new cycle today.  I just really felt like this month might be the month.  I had a few "different" symptoms that made me feel hopeful.  However, I was only left to feel foolish, once again. 

I feel like I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE.  I went to the beach this weekend with a girlfriend of mine, and I swear I was running into bellies everywhere!!  I wanted to stop each and every one of the pregnant women and say "you are so incredibly blessed!!"  And, I was so incredibly jealous.  Wondering what that must feel like to be carrying a baby.  I was actually so consumed by the preggo ladies that I wasn't even enjoying myself walking around downtown Charleston.  i.am.a.loser!!

I'm such an open person, like an open book...probably to a fault.  However, I'm finding myself becoming increasingly more private about our IF.  This is probably the most painful thing I have  experienced...complete with embarrassment and grief, and you can throw a little jealousy and bitterness in there too.  Nowadays when people ask me how things are going (simply b/c I've been so open with people), I just say "good" and keep on moving with the convo.  It hurts too much to talk about it, and furthermore I'm starting to feel like such a failure and it's embarrassing.  This "embarrassing" thing is new for me...but I totally get it now when people say that.  My body fails me and I don't feel adequate at all.

So, I'm about to call the RE's office and set up IUI #4.  I'm not looking forward to this at all.  I'm totally scared of the possibility of another failed one, and how Jeromy and I will take it...but we must forge ahead.  The depressing part is we have no plan of attack if this doesn't work.  Unfortunately, I don't see IVF in our future, simply because it does NOT fit in our budget.  I know if it's something we must do and we really want, than we'll find a way I suppose.  However, we already have some debt that is kinda holding us back from building at this time, so I can't even fathom adding another $15,000 to that debt??!!  I'm so happy for those that do IVF, that they have that opportunity...but how do they do it?? 

I usually try to be very positive and stay hopeful, but I think lately my posts are doom and gloom and for that I'm sorry :(  The life that the Lord has sooo richly blessed me with is not lost on me!  Although, lately, these days tend to really test my strength and sometimes even my hope...never my faith.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is particularly hard for me.  It's, of course, a reminder of my mom that I lost almost nine years ago...wow, can't believe it's been nine years!  I find that I'm more upset on Mother's Day than I am on her birthday for some reason.  Probably because there is such a focus on mother's all day long, whereas her birthday, nobody really even knows that her birthday has come and gone.

I always wonder how different my life would be if she were still here.  So many things.  Like how she would have LOVED LOVED my husband...and he would have LOVED her too.  She was one of those types of people that everyone just adored.  So sweet and generous of her love and time.  I didn't have one friend or boyfriend that didn't adore her.  She gave and sacrificed so much for my sister and I as well, and I'll tell you I do NOT do nearly enough to honor her memory :(

And then, there's my infertility...which always makes me think of my mom.  How supportive she would have been...and how broken hearted she would be for me at this time.  Could I handle it better if she were around??  I think, maybe I could.  Having a mother like I had was always the driving force behind my desire to have children. I've always wanted a child to pass on all the love she showed me. She knew how bad I wanted to be a mother one day, and she always reminded me how badly she could not wait for me to have a child...although nine years ago it wasn't even on the radar yet.  It always pleases my heart to know that she did get to be a grandmother for a short while though.  My sister had a daughter whom my mother was attached to.  She was three when my mom died, and to this day my niece still talks about her.  When she was younger she would ask how she can get up to heaven to see her Grammy again.  Now at twelve, she just expresses how she misses her and wishes she was still here.  My sister and I do a good job of reminding her how much her Grammy loved her.  My sister was also pregnant with my nephew when she died...talk about stress during pregnancy, but she did great and my nephew turned out perfect ;)

I know Mother's Day is hard for women struggling with infertility.  The reminders are EVERYWHERE!!  I'm on your side and I want my IF friends to know that I pray for you almost daily!!  It's even hard for the infertile to find the right words for the infertile (lol)...however, please try and find some peace this Mother's Day and know that your day is coming, no matter which avenue you choose.  As for me, I have a funny feeling my mom is up in heaven petitioning for me in her own little way ;)

Happy Mother's Day to all those blessed mama's out there :)

Lowww

Unfortunately, I am in a really low place right now.  (kinda hypocritical of my last post, I know).  I just can't help it.  I'm a few days away from getting my period...and I say that b/c that's exactly what's going to happen.  I'm trying to be ok with it, but it's hard.  Some cycles are harder than others.  For instance, my first failed IUI was devastating.  After trying in vain for so long and you try something new, your hope is renewed and VERY high.  Like this month...2nd cycle post lap surgery coupled with a round of Clomid --I just got my hopes up really high.  I hear people say, don't get your hopes up so high...but really, how is that possible??  And, I know I'm writing this post prematurely, but I'm just feeling so emotional and I need an outlet!  Last night I just cuddled up to my husband and cried, crying helps and I slept really good...so,that's a bonus I suppose??

And, why when you're feeling at your possible lowest do some things slap you right in the face?  My very first patient this morning (before I could even say good morning) bounced in the front doors and said "Do you wanna see a picture of my new granddaughter?"  I immediately got that lump in my throat and all I could muster was "Ok"...not "Sure, I'd love to" or "Absolutely".  Luckily for me, my co-worker took on the enthusiasm that I lacked, and complimented her and her new grandbaby.  And as I sit and write this, Rachel Ray is on in the waiting room.  You know the identical triplet women, they're models and one of them is married to Dr. Phil's son?  Yea, they all THREE got pregnant at the same time...nice!  How cute is that??  How awesome it would be to say "Hey, let's get pregnant"...and viola, nine months later a baby is born!? 

I know I'm going to look back on this post and want to kick myself for how ugly I sound...but this is how I really feel right now.  For some reason Clomid wasn't that kind to me this cycle and I absolutely dread doing it again, or for that matter a new protocol of drugs?  It gave me the worst anxiety ever for like a week after I took it.  I don't talk about it much on here (or at all really), but I already struggle with anxiety in general, and this infertility just enhances it :(

I'm fighting myself on my current attitude.  I feel so bitter/sad/anxious/frustrated and I just have to trust that the Lord will not give me any more than I can emotionally or physically handle.  Sometimes I just wish that the Lord would remove the desire to have children from my heart!  I know it could be worse, and I know women out there have struggled far beyond what I have.   But, at the same time, I know it's all relative and this is how I'm feeling at this particular time...

He is risen!!

What a glorious day Easter is!  What a renewal, He has given us new life on this day...He was victorious over death and in turn gave us abundant, eternal life.  I'm so grateful everyday for what Jesus did on the cross for us...my salvation, His mercy and grace.  What a sacrifice...


When I'm down and out and feeling hopeless...I always remind myself of the enormous sacrifice Jesus made for us, that usually puts an end to my pity-party immediately.  On this Easter it would have been so nice to either be celebrating a pregnancy or dressing a baby in a precious little Easter outfit...but I can't help to realize how ridiculously blessed I already am!!

"He isn't here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying."  Matthew 28:6


*Added*

Oh...and I forgot to add....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!!  One of the many blessings I was speaking about above :)  This is a pic of us celebrating his birthday...it was Friday.  He's getting just a tad closer to his 30's so he can finally join me...what a baby!!

On testing...

(Found this on another site...enjoy, it's hilarious and true)

When in the course of trying to conceive (TTC), it will become periodically necessary to administer a home pregnancy test (HPT) to determine if intercourse successfully resulted in fertilization and subsequent implantation. The following guides are written with step-by-step instructions to help you successfully administer your HPT. Please note, guidelines for women who are fertility-challenged will be modified slightly in separate instructions at the end.

Guide To Taking A Home Pregnancy Test (Fertile Version)


1) Decide to “Not-Not Try” with your partner. Let’s just see what happens. (Alternate step, become intoxicated and forget to use contraceptives.)
2) Realize your period is a week late! Oh you, always forgetting.
3) Go to the store and purchase the prettiest pregnancy test, or perhaps one that is on sale, and go to the counter to purchase. Oh goodness, I wonder if the salesclerk will notice!
4) At home, follow the test’s instructions. This is where it can get a little confusing… pee ON the stick. That’s right.
5) Set it down and walk away. Hmmm… you haven’t steam cleaned the carpets for a while. And you’ve been meaning to organize that pantry—that soup won’t alphabetize itself!
6) Oh my! You almost forgot; now where did you put that pesky test?
7) Well will you look at that, there’s two lines. What does that mean again?
8) You’re pregnant, congrats! Now wasn’t that easy?


Guide To Taking A Home Pregnancy Test (Fertility-Challenged Women)


1) Sigh, are you really sure you want to take another test?
2) Honestly, your period isn’t due for five more days.
3) Ok, it’s your mortgage payment. Let’s hit the store.
4) Make sure to get a variety. Digital, early result, and that Asian version with the baby playing tug of war with Pokemon.
5) Might as well hit the dollar store too. Pick up 20 tests there.
6) Give the salesclerk the stink eye when she looks at you curiously.
7) Rush home. Do you wait till tomorrow morning? Or take it right now? Decide on the dollar store test for now, save the expensive one for tomorrow morning.
8) One line. Well, not even quite one line… it looks more like the test is flipping you the bird. Oh real nice, dollar store test!
9) Throw it in the garbage. But on top.
10) After a few hours, go back and rummage through the garbage to find that test. How does it look now? Even a shadow? No? Well you probably tested too late in the day, or too early in your cycle. And you had a lot of water today.
11) Next morning, take a fancy digital test. You can always trust a computer, right?
12) “Not Pregnant” read-out on the digital display. You made that decision too fast! Maybe if you had just waited a little longer, the line would have shown up. Never trust a computer!
13) Crack open the digital pregnancy test. Maybe the screen was confused.
14) Damn. Thank God you got those non-computerized tests, those will know for sure.
15) Next morning, take your early result pregnancy test. Hold it up to your face (pee side away, of course), and attempt to Jedi mind control the test into having two lines.
16) Just one line. Wait, is that a shadow? Why don’t we have a magnifying glass?! Nope still one line. Place on your counter for further analysis at a later time.
17) Fifteen minutes later, go back and check… anything yet? Well this one was probably a dud. You know how common a false negative is?
18) Next morning, take that Pokemon test. It claps and cheers when you pee on it, how fun!
19) Only ONE line. Cheap foreign imports! Add it to your row of tests, for comparison sake. Does today’s test look less negative than the past ones?
20) Continue steps 1-19 until you obtain a positive test.
21) Hahahaha, sucker. Positive test isn’t going to happen. Return to store to purchase mortgage payment in feminine supplies.
22) Come home, and open up a fresh box of wine. Wait to do it all over again next month, or whenever Aunt Flo decides to show up.



Beach Trip...

I had such a wonderful, relaxing time at the beach.  We went a little too early in my opinion.  It was rainy and chilly most of the time...we still managed to get a little sun though :)  I didn't take nearly enough pics, but here are a few. 

My sister-in-law and mother-in-law...I'm such a lucky girl :)





Love this pic...bro-in-law and sis-in-law and my hot hubs :)



We went to Myrtle Beach in SC, this is where my sister and I and my parents would vacay every summer.  I was hoping to go back and see the same sights and feel the same feelings I did when I was a kid.  Unfortunately, some of the "sights" and attractions were torn down and I guess I've just outgrown MB?  Since my mom passed away, I'm always seeking some sort of nostalgic feeling when I go to old places we used to go as a family.  Back when life was simple, my parents were together and my mom was alive.  It's hard because I don't have a big family whatsoever, and it's just my sister that lives close by.  I love reminiscing with her about past times with my parents, but she has her own family now with four children, making her own memories.  All I have left of my mother is memories...and sometimes it just isn't enough, but I know it has to be.  There will come a day that I will finally have children of my own, and I can create memories with them that they can look back on...trying their very best to find that nostalgic feeling I look for now.



Lately....

I'm such a boring lazy blogger!  I've told ya'll before, I don't blog about much more than my infertility...what an interesting life I lead, I tell ya ;) 

The only fairly interesting things going on:

A) I'm going to the beach this Saturday...Hallelujah!! (will post pics when I get back)
B) We truly are trying to build a house, and I do think that will be fun to blog about (for me anyways).  Our ideas/plans to build on a certain piece of land have changed, so we are working on something else that is just fantastic!! (God is GOOD)
C) I'm approaching my 33rd birthday and I wanna be sick.  Not sure if anyone understands me when I say that IF I had a child and was turning 33 I wouldn't feel so old...but, I've barely started down that road and I'm feeling it.
D) I just started another round of Clomid last night....OOOPS, that was fertility related...hahhaha, I can't help it!

So last month was unsuccessful, the fertility fairies, once again, were not on my side!!  I'm not doing an IUI this month, just a medicated round.  I'm hoping I won't ever have to do another IUI, and either naturally or with Clomid assistance, I will get pregnant.  I go for my follie scan next Friday and I'm hoping and praying for the best this cycle! 

Will post when I get back from the BEACH!!  Love ya'll!

Facts, Figures and Awareness

During my recovery time I thought I would, for giggles, add up the cost of infertility so far for us.  We only started to "tackle" our infertility after trying for about nine months.  So this cost has been in the past ten months.  This cost is everything from multiple ultrasounds, HSG, fertility meds, 3 IUI's, SA's, blood work and now my surgery (don't know what the anesthesia bill is yet).  Here are the facts and figures...give or take a few dollars, oh and this does NOT include the enormous amount of money spent on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests ;)

FACTS:  I'm not pregnant

FIGURES: Drum roll please.... $6,100!!


This is truly not a complaint, just putting into light the monetary effects of infertility.  I am MORE than grateful and even MORE blessed to be able to have done what we have done, even coming out of it without a baby.  It has brought us much closer in our marriage in a lot of different ways, and it has certainly taught me a lot about myself and others...something that I wouldn't really change if given the opportunity.  We will have a child that is wanted more than anything in this world...I can't wait for the day that Jeromy and I are so lost in love with our child...

My sister just texted me and said "Did you know March was Endometriosis Awareness Month"...no I did not.  This is pretty cool.  Endo is certainly not something that has affected me for a long time, but it has kept me from having children.  In doing some more research on it, it affects a lot of women in so many different ways.  It's a disease that can wreak havoc on girls and women, and overtime can travel as far as the brain!!  Unfortunately for most, it will reoccur time and time again and ultimately end up with a total hysterectomy :(  It's something that women should be aware of and pay close attention to.  Not sure what I can do to contribute to March's awareness, I will look into it, but I know that I can lift up women struggling with this disease and pray they find peace, resolution and comfort...free of endometriosis.

Follow up

Short recap, as I'm on pain meds and ready to lay my head down.  Surgery went well!!  Answered prayers all around.  First, from what my husband tells me, Dr J said my endometriosis was bad and affected all of my lady organs except my bowels...WOW!!  Good news for us because of our failed attempts at TTC.  It is what I wanted to hear...just praying that this surgery works for that purpose.  It is kinda scary knowing I had it that bad, because eventually it will come back.

I didn't get sick, but I did get quite nauseas and immediately asked for something to help with that.  I'm very sore, but actually feeling better than I thought I would feel!  The two most bothersome things are the fact that I can't pee real well because of the cathader.  What an awful feeling to have a full bladder and only be able to pee just a little, uughh...hope that doesn't last long.  Also, another side affect is the shoulder pain from air traveling upwards due to the carbon dioxide they bloat your abdomen with...OUCH!  This shoulder pain is actually worse than the abdomen pain.  But honestly, I can't complain, I am doing great!!

Once again, I can't say a big enough thank you for the sweet messages of support, prayers and love...I'm so grateful and lucky to have such great support, it means soo much to me!!!!

Since I came home all doped up yesterday, I can't stop praising God for all the undeserved answered prayers and blessings...God is sooo good!!

Randomness and Surgery...

My lap surgery is tomorrow...excited and nervous is how I'm feeling!  I'm nervous because I've never had surgery before, and you know the biggest thing I'm scared of.....throwing up after waking up!! ha!  Shouldn't be my biggest concern right?  I'm excited though because I'm praying and hoping that there is something there to "fix"!  It would be the biggest bummer if he went in and all looked fine.  Bummer because endo wouldn't be my "issue" and bummer because of how expensive it is!  In my pre-op I almost wanted to make a pact with my doc to tell my husband that there WAS endo, even if there wasn't.  My hubs just doesn't want all this done in vain.  But, as Dr J says, he wouldn't do this if he didn't truly think I had it, so we'll see...

Now for a bit of the most random thoughts and going ons:

*I wish I could blog about more than just my infertility!!
*Baseball season is upon us and I'm dreeeading it...wondering if I can even get pregnant during BB season because my hubs is soo incredibly "committed"
*Would like to get back to my "pre trying to make a baby and failing" weight
*Is hoping that my IRL friends/family and my sweet cyber friends would finally get their miracle too...I pray for you frequently by name!!
*Loves Emily on the Bachelor...team Emily!
*Is thinking if I got pregnant in a couple months, I might have a leap year baby ;)
*Gas prices...WTH??  Just bought a Tahoe...WTH??
*Reading "Prince of Tides", just started it and it already seems like a great pick!
*Wants twins...one and done, please and thank you ;)
*Sees the good in infertility every once in a while, there is ALWAYS some good to come out of suffering...
*Regarding the statement above, I fall more and more in love with my amazing and supportive husband everyday
*I don't want Oprah to end :(
*Can't wait to go on vacation in April...it's time!
*Hates having to be at work at 6:30am...blaaaahhhhhh I hate mornings!!
*I'm secretly scared to have a baby...I mean, it's life changing...but I'm so ready!
*Excited to be catching up on some movies this weekend while I recover
*Is hoping my awesome cousin has an amazing birthday today...LOVE YOU Jen!
*That's all, for now...