What not to say...

I know there are lists a mile long on what not to say to an infertile woman.  I also know very well that people that haven't experienced the emotional storm of IF don't understand it, and aren't equipped with the right words or perfect answer.  I get that, and furthermore, had I not gone through this I'm sure that I would be THAT person that struggled to find the right thing to say!  As with anything in life, any struggle that someone else is experiencing is hard for someone else to grasp, fully. 

Some of the things I have heard since TTC have blown my mind, but once again, I have always tried to keep an open mind and NOT be offended.  Throughout these 3+ years things have bothered me on different levels at different times.  For the first 2 years anytime I heard a pregnancy announcement, I would get so upset, burst into tears at times, and just be down right BITTER.  The pregnancy announcements that my FB is inundated with no longer bother me.  I have found a different peace about that.  I just came to realize that I would never want anyone to experience the pain and longing that I have endured, not even my worst enemy.  I also remember feeling pretty bitter about some people getting pregnant, only for them to suffer a miscarriage...that was a really bad feeling!  I know people are going to continue to have babies upon babies while we sit on the sidelines watching it happen, that is a fact, and being bitter and angry were only holding ME hostage...nobody else. 

As we approach IVF, different comments seem to bother me now...and I just can't help it.  One thing that now frustrates me is the discussion of money.  After all is said and done, the cost of the IVF is $15,000.  We've already spent close to $8,000 (which, by the way, is a drop in the bucket for some IFers).  So, at the end of the day we will have spent over $20,000, baby OR no baby...this is not even a guarantee that we will have a baby.  Even if we do end up with a baby, which would be worth EVERY penny...let's face it, $20+K to get there is pretty much devastating financially.  I have been pretty open about our IF journey, to family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers...that's just who I am.  People will ask me how much IVF is, and some people are just shocked, while others say "Oh that's not bad" or "You can afford it" or "You're in a great position to be able to do this" or "That's not bad, at least you'll have a baby" or "Oh girl, our out of pocket at the hospital when we delivered was $1200.00" (really?????).  Ok, so those aren't all bad comments...they are more "look on the bright side of things" comments.  They are the BE POSITIVE comments.  I get it, I really do.  But, can I be really honest?  It would be so nice for someone to say "Wow Amy, that has to be really hard, I can't imagine" or "That just plain SUCKS"!!  I know the natural route for someone is to be positive, and that's really great...but just from the heart of someone going through it, it's nice to hear "This must suck, but I'm here if you ever want to vent".  It IS difficult for us to fund this IVF.  Yes, we can afford another monthly payment for the next four years, plus $5,000 cash out of pocket for meds (thanks be to God)...but it hurts, bad.  Isn't just having a baby expensive??  I mean, that's what I've heard my whole life.  Starting out with a loan payment, plus nearly all our savings gone is going to be tough....and that's the truth, that's what hurts. 

If you know someone going through IVF or any other fertility treatments...my best advice is to just console.  Be there, be present, listen a little more than you talk.  There is certainly NO perfect answer.  It reminds me of when my mom died at 50 years old of cancer.  The single most devastating thing to happen to me at 24 years old.  What does someone say?  I'm still the same person today as I was then...I wanted someone to say "Amy, this sucks, moms aren't supposed to die so young, this isn't fair".  What I heard was "She's in a better place" or "You'll be ok".  And...this is OK, don't get me wrong...nobody knew exactly what to say.  What I have learned is that people want reassurance to feel bad about situations.  It's OK to have a pity party...just don't stay there too long.  The idea that everything is on the UP and UP all the time puts a lot of pressure on someone.  There are so many times I just want to break down b/c of the anxiety, stress and just pure heartbreak of IF...but I feel the pressure to be positive all.the.time.  I feel like if I actually voice my fears out loud that someone will just come along and say "See the bright side, Amy"...when I all want is a hug and someone to say "Let it out, I'm here". 



I'm terrible with titles, so there isn't one!

I always, without a doubt, feel convicted when I post stuff that points to the fact that my faith is not unshakable.  I know it's just human for me to feel fearful and stressed, especially under such circumstances.  However, not to my surprise, shortly after I drown in my sorrows I am brought back to reality. Reality like young people having to endure lung transplants due to cystic fibrosis, mothers losing children, children losing parents...I have read or seen things like this since my last post.  It's heartbreaking and of course, brings about an awareness of how incredibly, so incredibly blessed I truly am.  I know we all have different journeys and it's ok for me to feel glum.  However, what I want more than anything is for anyone that's reading this blog to know that no matter what, God has a perfect plan for your life.  It may not be perfectly presented the way we intended it to be, but the plan He has for us is only intended to bring Him greater glory.  I guess what is crucially important to me is to ensure that people that read my blog and see scripture posted around it, and read my professions of faith, grace and all that God has provided and blessed me with...I hope they aren't confused or want to question my true faith.  Does that make any sense?  I get beat down just like anyone else.  This battle calls me to question my body, my womanliness, my strength, my courage, my reproductive organs...just the ability to do one simple (or not, in my case) task that my body was designed for.  This battle does NOT have me wavering in my faith. If we are not to have our own biological child, then I know I did what I could do and we have to move on.  The Lord has a very unique, special and perfect agenda for us...we just have to remain patient and pursuant of His will.   

As far as the plan for IVF goes, we did decide to wait one month!  We are very glad we did.  It will give us more time to save money (mucho important), do some more acupuncture and just chill a little.  The schedule now looks like I will be starting birth control around September 17ish, start stims on October 20th and do a retrieval around the beginning of November...all tentative, but roughly around these times.  I had my saline ultrasound yesterday, not the most pleasant experience but I survived.  Everything looked really good, which was a relief because you just never know what is going on in there!  One thing that made me feel a little better was my resting follicle count.  Just a disclaimer before I move on...anyone that has not struggled with infertility or not done any treatments (also friends and family reading) will not understand any of the terms or what their significance is...so feel free to skim if you want, kinda boring stuff for the average person ;)  Anyhow, my resting follicle count was 12...7 on the right and 5 on the left.  It's not super duper, but for my AMH to be so low, I thought 12 was a good number!  Usually someone with my AMH level would have like 4-7 resting follicles.  So now I just wait and hope I get pregnant naturally this month...now THAT would be a MIRACLE and a money saver right there!!  I will, of course, be back for more updates once we get a little closer :)  Thank you again for all the support and love...means so so much!!

A little stressed

Not much is going on in the world of IVF, yet.  I don't have too much to write about, minus all my fears about doing it that seem to creep in ever so slowly.  Next week I'm supposed to be going in for the saline ultrasound and start the birth control at that time.  I started acupuncture last week, which I dreaded, but it ended up being just fine...it wasn't bad at all.  I have had thoughts of postponing the IVF a month to help give the acupuncture a chance to enhance whatever it's supposed to enhance!  I need to decide this like yesterday and I don't know what to do.  Not that a month will even make that big of a difference, but I'm sure it will help.  One thing we don't have on our side, since my reproductive system is janky, is TIME. We haven't even started this process and I'm already, I hate to say it, stressed! A baby has eluded us for over 3 years, so it's hard to believe that's it's even attainable. Fear and doubt have crept in...I definitely haven't missed them!! One minute I'm praying over all of my worries to the Lord, feeling His peace and reassurance. Peace, knowing that no matter what He is in control. Baby or no baby at the end of this He will show us incredible grace, and carry us through. Buuut, the next minute I'm completely overwhelmed with decisions, concerns, control, money, meds, work, my sanity, my body, my husband...all stemming from my infertility and this upcoming IVF. I sooo want to be that devout and faithful christian. This is a battle that compares to no other...it's twisted. I don't want to sound too Debby Downer! We are very excited, just overwhelmed and super nervous. Once we get this ball rolling, I will be posting a lot more with all the fun details! Humbly, we ask for your prayers :) I know there are some amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we are ridiculously grateful for you!!