Sunday, December 5, 2010

IUI #2

Did not work.  I was under the impression that the 1st failed IUI was the hardest...not true.  I'm in a funky place right now.  Tears overflowing :(  After the initial shock/pain of the negative results, now I am just left with an overwhelming feeling of just letting people down...again.  It's ok though, clearly His timing is just not right yet.  I've just lost a lot of steam, but will prayerfully gain some strength and courage back to move on.





Sunday, November 21, 2010

God-Given Dream

I have a God-given dream to have a baby.  The Lord put the desire in my heart a long time ago to be a mother. If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know the struggle I am going through and certainly know how very badly I want a child.  I get very upset every time a cycle ends and I haven't gotten pregnant.  I don't understand why it hasn't happened.  I've gone through all types of scenarios in my mind as to what could be causing this infertility...and boy have I come up with a plethora of reasons, all because of Dr. Google <----by the way I don't like Dr. Google.  I just get soo frustrated!!  All the "why me's" and all the horrible feelings of jealousy and bitterness are sometimes just too overwhelming.  I wonder why other people seem so much more blessed than me in that area....that's where the "why me" comes in.

But then...I hear God's word and I'm reminded about my God-given dream.  I LOVE when I am in need of hearing something that will speak right to my heart, and then there it is...God speaking right through a guest pastor tonight at church.  Words so powerful, a perspective so clear that you KNOW God is present and powerful in your life.  What I know is that if it took this journey for me to realize that I am not in control, than I'm OK with that.  I'm OK with the fact that I have been sooo humbled by this process...so humbled that I will continue to worship and serve our great Lord, even if I'm not blessed with a biological child.  I have to remember that I am not worshiping God's activities, I'm worshiping His identity, our guest Pastor hit the nail on the head here.

It's very hard when we want something so bad, to not pray in that way.  I want so badly to just seek Him and not what I think He can bless me with.  I AM so blessed though.  I'm sooo soooo thankful for my salvation and what Jesus did on the cross for us...isn't that enough to be blessed with??  Everything in my life was given to me from our Lord, it's not mine, and I have been given so much.  In the face of disappointment, pain, loss I will always worship our Lord NO.MATTER.WHAT.  I will not compromise my God-given values just to have my God-given dream...



Follie check

I went for my follie scan on Friday to see what my little ovaries were up to.  I, again, have TWO follicles (18mm).  This time I have two on my right ovary and none in my left.  Last time my left follicle collapsed, I'm hoping these both release and are mature enough...I've had a little discussion with the follies, so they  know their job!  Jero had to give me my HCG shot last night, he did a great job!!  I go in tomorrow morning at 8:15 for the insemination...will keep you updated :) 

“Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen."

Matthew 21:21

Monday, November 15, 2010

Giving in...

I've been debating on blogging about our next steps.  I really struggled with our 1st IUI failing...like I said before, I just had realllllly high hopes about it.  Then I struggled with having to face soo many people about it.  I was soo incredibly excited that we were blessed enough to be able to do the IUI, I basically shouted it from the roof tops.  My friends and family are and were amazing through the wait and then wonderful after the crappy news.  But in the end, I think it was just too hard to have to go to ALL those people and say it didn't work.

Soooo, we are doing a 2nd IUI this month.  I'm only telling a very few family members.  If you read my blog and you're a friend or family member...than I guess you're in on it with me (and furthermore, I won't know who knows and who doesn't).  But, I do think this is far different than blabbing it all over the place, and that's what got my heart in trouble last time!

About the IUI.  I'm on CD8 and have been taking Clomid for the past few days.  I have a monitoring ultrasound Friday to see what the ol' ovaries are up to.  That's only CD12 for me which is way too early, but it seems they don't wanna come in on the weekend just for an ultrasound.  The one thing we are going to do differently is the timing of the IUI.  On my first one, in my heart I just felt that it was too late for the IUI.  He did an ultrasound right before the insemination and he said I had already ovulated...which is fine, but it's always best to have the swimmers up there right before ovulation!  So this time, we are going to do it 24 hours after I get the HCG trigger shot, instead of 36 hours like before.

Jeromy is in Florida for a baseball tournament all week and comes back on Sunday.  Looks like we will be doing the IUI Monday morning (week of Thanksgiving), so it's cutting it a little close, ha!  I gave him some specific instructions for his trip...one being to PLEASE not spend all day in the hot tub.  He said he would be in it everyday just to ensure his muscles aren't too sore from the games...uggghh!  As we probably all know, that is NO bueno for the swimmers so hopefully he will sacrifice a little and stay out!  I usually go with him on this trip, but I just wanted to save my PTO for something more special.  Him leaving had me thinking about our last bball trip to FL last year in November.  We had been TTC for about 4 or 5 months at that time and I had brought ovulation tests with me, I had never used them before.  I got a positive on the first one I took and you would have thought it was a positive pregnancy test, I was sooo excited!  I was so naive, I just knew I would get pregnant simply because I had a positive test and we did the baby dance that night....yea right!!  Here we are a year later, trying for almost a year and a half.  But it's ok, I've learned so much, and in a way, wouldn't change it for the world...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

On a superficial note...

I'm over the initial shock of the failed IUI.  A TTC friend of mine told me her first failed IUI was a shocker too.  I guess that it's just you figure after trying naturally, surely a procedure like this would work...and when it doesn't, it's just a shock to the system.  I've been, coincidentally, seeing and hearing so much in God's word about waiting on Him and being patient.  This is the resolve and truth that I remind myself of daily!  I really don't want to miss out on the Lord's blessings due to focusing on my own desires and my own needs ahead of His plans for me!!

One of my biggest fears is gaining weight.  I KNOW how horrible and SUPERficial that sounds!  I have already come to the realization that I will inevitably gain weight when I get pregnant...fine by me, it would soo be worth it!  What I haven't expected was gaining weight due to the stress of TTC AND the fertility meds :( 

On my honeymoon (three years ago), I weighed 109 lbs!  See above picture...and, I thought I was fat at the time...me=crazy!!  So, now I weigh 124 lbs, give or take a pound or two...on a good day I weigh 121.  I am not even five feet tall, I'm about 4'11".  I know that naturally I've gained a little weight from settling into marriage, but I also know that the TTC junk has a lot to do with the most recent weight gain.



This picture is just a couple months ago...my stomach has taken on a whole new shape (my friend next to me has two kids, she looks great)!!  Be glad you can't see the rest of my body.  Once again, I know this is shallow and I'll probably look back on THIS pic and think I was soo skinny.  It's all relative though, and this is yuck to ME.  I just feel uncomfortable and not cute lately.  I have heard on other blogs and read that fertility meds, particularly Clomid, can cause roughly five to ten pounds of weight gain per cycle!!  The kicker is that I hate working out.  I'm not good at it, the minute I break a sweat I think it's absolutely time to cool down! 

What to do??  Who knows.  I'm not doing any meds this cycle, and due to a baseball trip for Jero in November, I won't be doing one next month.  But...then here comes the holidays...uggghh!  I don't really eat that bad at all.  I think I just need to eat even better and maybe push it a little harder at the gym...cause who the heck wants to gain weight BEFORE they get pregnant???


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Support

I received an email the other day from a friend of mine that shares other struggles with me.  I feel so compelled to share this email on my blog.  It was so beautifully written and I asked her if I could share it here.  When she responded to me she said that she felt her words came from the Lord, that she prayed for the right things to say to me.  I hope in sharing this email, it will bring others comfort, as it did me.

Hey Amy. I read your blog post on Sunday night. I just wanted to say that I admire your courage in sharing your struggles. Transparency in your struggles is a gift you give your close family and friends. I think so many relationships are lacking because people are afraid to share their hurt and heartache. God is glorified on such a magnificent level through our suffering. When we suffer and proclaim that God is enough!!! That takes strength and courage and such a deep faith. Its easy to share the good times with people but I don't think (I could be wrong here)it makes as deep an impact on the hearts of others. This is a heartbreaking journey. It can crush you and cause you to lose faith, but Our Heavenly Father IS sovereign over your life. I think when we cry out in pain to HIM he will wrap His arms around you and comfort you in a way that no person can. Be angry, sad and frustrated. He knows your heart and loves you no matter what.



“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10


Praying for you!


Ashley

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Stork on Strike...

Apparently my Stork is on strike.  Unfortunately the IUI did not work.  Heartbroken doesn't even describe it.  A lot of emotions balled up into a hot mess ----> ME!  I'm upset with myself for several things.  I'm such an open person, to a fault.  I let everyone in on everything, all the time.  I'm not a very private person, never have been.  I shared this experience with a lot of people, a lot of family and friends and I feel so foolish for doing that.  It's not anyone's fault but my own.  They have been amazingly supportive and encouraging through this.  However, the sadness and frustration is not only a part of Jeromy and I and hard on us, it's hard on them.  They don't want to see me hurt, then I hurt because they are hurt for me.  It's one thing for Jeromy and I to be let down, but to share that with so many people has become very hard.  I realize now, finally, that it should be a little more of a private journey for us.  I guess I never could foresee this aspect of sharing it with everyone.  I realized this when, on Friday, my sister-in-law (who is amazing) asked me how I was "feeling" (meaning if I felt pregnant) and by this time I already knew I was not and she was probably the 10th person to ask me...I looked at her and said "No I don't feel anything and I don't want to talk about it anymore" and just started crying and had to leave the room.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, I can't do it anymore, it's too much to bear to bring my family and friends in on something that is so sensitive to all of us, not just me.

I'm also upset with myself for the feelings of bitterness, jealousy and judgement that I'm experiencing at this moment.  Through this journey I've had a few "punches in the gut"...or maybe it's just little pity parties!  I see pregnant women everywhere, I see newborns everywhere and it is really depressing.  I attend a (mega) church where there are roughly 5-6 thousand members and TODAY a cute little couple with a brand new baby sit right in front of me...WHY??  Working on a better attitude...

We are going to take a break now.  As hard as this has been on our marriage, I realize now more than ever what an amazing husband I have.  What a rock he is, what an encourager!  Thank God he takes things in stride, because lately I just can't.  My prayer is that he will always lead us with strong hands.  We're in it together, forever.  As if right out of the movie "Steel Magnolias", Jeromy just says "We'll adopt if we have to".  I love him.

As far as blogging, as you can see I blog about nothing else but trying to have a baby.  First, my life isn't that interesting.  Second, really it's all that I can think about and it's sooo therapeutic to blog about it.  That's where I'm torn because it truly helps me to blog and I can keep up with my TTC friends too.  I will keep my blog updated as far as I feel comfortable doing.  We are trying to build a house right now, so I will definitely blog about that once it gets started as well...that is VERY exciting!!

As I have mentioned on my blog before, I have always and will always pray for women that are in the same struggle as I am in.  I read countless blogs of women that have continued to try for years, only to fail time and time again.  Thousands of money spent on IUI's and IVF's with the highest of hopes and the most faithful hearts only to be broken.  One blogger spoke of hearing about a woman battling cancer AND infertility, she described her struggle with infertility being as difficult as her battle with cancer!!  I can't even speak on that, but that is powerful.  One thing I have learned and have been humbled by is that everyone struggles with something...it's a basic piece of wisdom, but it's always good to remember.  I will keep praying for YOU!

I love the little reminders that seem to pop up "mysteriously" in my time of hurt.  In college I had the most amazing group of girlfriends.  There were six of us and we called ourselves the "Sexy Six Pack"...that is the funniest thing ever!  We thought we were too cool for a sorority (we were), so we appropriately gave ourselves that name.  Anyways, yesterday I came across this box of old college pics and notes.  One year we decided to sit down and pass around paper and write something that we love about each other.  My beautiful friend Erin wrote "I love the way your face lights up when you are around children, you'll be an awesome mom one day"!  It was what I needed to hear right at that moment...it didn't bother me or make me wanna burst into tears, it made me smile, it was perfect!  I came across that note for a reason, He works in mysterious ways.

This is the prayer I put on my first post regarding TTC, it just needed re-posting....



Heavenly Father, thank you for all the blessings in my life, they are countless.

All of my life I have dreamt of being a mother,
of raising children with loving hearts,
to do your will on this earth.


Teach me how to patiently wait on you father,
Strengthen me to never grow weary.
I know that through you all things are possible.




Amen

Thursday, October 7, 2010

To test?

The joys of trying to conceive have become few and far between.  It's more like the stress of TTC, or the anxiety of TTC or the frustration of TTC.  However, I can find a little humor in it still.  I was reminded of this humor stumbling upon one of my TTC friend's blogs today.  A while back (maybe when I had more humor about the TTC journey) I posted a list of one liners "You Know You're TTC When:"  It really is soo funny and sooo darn true, almost depressingly true! 

I would say for at least the first nine months of trying, I was a home pregnancy tester FREAK (a serial POAS'er in TTC terms)!  I should most definitely have stock in these.  I've bought the cheap, the expensive and everything in between.  At five days out of getting my period I would start testing!  However, after sooo many negatives it did start to become too emotional and expensive, so I stopped.  I always buy them at the same place, Walgreens...it's convenient, it's on my way home from work.  Whenever I go check out, I always get the same cashier.  It's an older sweet lady.  She never misses a beat.  Every single time I check out she says "Awww, will this be your first?"  I just look at her and say "Yes, God willing".  She replies "Ooooh I bet you'll be a great mother, I hope you're pregnant".  Inevitably I go back in a few days after buying the HPT's and buy stupid tampons! 

So, I am itching to go to Walgreens after work today.  I am less than five days away from getting my period OR NOT getting it.  I keep wavering.  I'm a little crampy, different kinda crampy, but still crampy...and that has me in the dumps!  I'm not sure if I could endure another "Will this be your first?" or another negative pregnancy test.  I have felt no symptoms this month.  Problem is if I test too early it could show a false positive due to the HCG shot I had.  Apparently a test can show positive for like 12 days or something, from the shot?  Now that would be a cruel joke :(  Maybe I might just test to see something positive in all of this, even if it is false. 

Anyways, I am still hopeful, I probably sound a little negative but I think I'm just apprehensive is all.  I think I will buy some tests, maybe I won't see the sweet check out lady :)  I'll keep ya'll posted...I should know something this weekend!






Monday, September 27, 2010

And the wait begins...


So, my IUI went very smoothly!!  All the nerves were mostly in vain, as they ALWAYS are!  Seriously, it was painless.  I guess I had my HSG in my head and how that procedure was quite uncomfortable (for those that might stumble on my blog and haven't had an HSG, it was uncomfortable for ME, not for everyone) and I just figured the IUI would feel similar, but to my surprise I didn't feel a thing!  Praise God, because I am a BABY.  As most of my friends and family wonder...how will I actually have a baby because I am such a baby??  I bet it's worth it, don't ya think?

Dr H did an ultrasound before he began the procedure and told me that one of my follies "collapsed", so only one little eggie has a chance!  Sounds good to me.  Now I just have to wait TWO long weeks and monitor every little symptom I have...back to being crazy pants for a bit, yay!

So, I just figure positive thoughts produce positive results and faithful prayers can certainly produce miracles...that's what God is in the business of doing, right?

I've received so many amazing text msgs, email msgs and blog msgs from family and friends expressing their support, concern and love for us.  I'm so humbled by the thoughts and prayers that I have recieved, words can't even express my gratitude.  I (we) feel so loved and supported and that makes it sooo much easier!  It's amazing how one little text msg can bring so much joy!  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!



Friday, September 24, 2010

Follie Check...double trouble ;)

As planned, I went in for my "follie" check this morning!  I have TWO almost mature follies!  Oh my!    I honestly didn't think that would happen.  I know...really silly.  I mean, I knew there was a possibility of having multiple follicles due to the fertility meds.  When I took my less stronger meds several months ago, I only had one mature follicle...so that's what I figured would happen again, but apparently with Clomid, higher chances of multiple follicles.  This only means a higher chance of getting pregnant, my doctor assured me the chance for twins is low...but in the same breath said it's always possible with more than one follicle, takes my breath away!  Hey, I'm just praying for one healthy swimmer to meet one healthy eggie and produce one healthy baby!!  The awesomeness (not sure if that's a word, pretty sure it's not) of conception is still not lost on me...especially now, through our struggle!  Is it not the most amazing thing God ever majestically designed??  WOW...

Something else Dr. H realized today is that I'm not "ready" for the IUI just yet.  I was tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning, however the follicles are not quite mature yet.  I can't quite remember the measurements, but I believe they were 15 and 17 and they should be like 19 or something?  I was too busy being shocked at seeing two to focus on what he was saying!  Sooo...I will take one more ovulation test tomorrow morning and if it's positive I will do the IUI on Sunday morning.  If it's not positive I will have someone give me an HCG shot Saturday night and do the IUI Monday morning.  That someone might just be Jeromy.  I laughed when the nurse said Jeromy could give it to me...I replied "Um, yea, he probably won't do that!"  Shortly after I left I called Jero to laugh with him at the possibility of him actually giving me a shot in my butt...and he replied "Sure, I can do that!"  I said "Really, you could/would do that"?  "Of course" he said.  Sometimes I underestimate his wonderfulness (once again, not sure if it's a word)!!  I love that boy!!

I'll keep everyone posted on how it all goes down this weekend :)  Still asking for prayers please...

In the words of Chris Tomlin and Romans 8:31... "If our God is for us, than what can stand against?"






Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Faith, Hope and Hot Flashes...


Let's start with the latter word from my title...HOT FLASHES!!  I knew it was a side effect from the meds, but W.O.W!  I got a small glimpse of menopause and it ain't pretty...the heat starts at your toes and by the time it reaches your face, you're sweating and look like you're sporting a lovely sunburn!  I'm sure my body went from 98.6 degrees to 110 in less than 3 seconds!!  And...my husband would like to say I was a tad bit moody and quite emotional to boot!  Let me be clear...I'm not complaining, just explaining :)  Don't mess with a woman's hormones....just saying!

I'm still unsure why I'm anxious about doing the IUI on Saturday.  I'm not anxious about becoming pregnant, just the actual procedure...and the wait.  Also, the economy hit close to home recently, so we definitely don't have a shortage of things to pray about!  I'm reading a book right now that discusses the fact that the devil works diligently to gain strong holds (or mind traps) within our minds.  Placing doubts and fears that try and confuse us and separate us from our Lord.  I'm realizing how very easy it is to allow these "traps" to grow bigger and bigger.  Satan is a liar and I am praying for VICTORY over this...in Jesus' name!! 

I realize I don't always know what is going to happen or the outcome of the situation, but I do know that God's perfect love is reigning over us and it will always work out for our good!  Living in faith and hope right now.  Lots and lots of prayers going up.  And...the knowledge that we are living in God's miracle working realm....


The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

~Psalm 27:1

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Pics from Ash's Bachelorette Party...

The uploading option for pics has changed since the last time I uploaded, which was a while ago!  These pics are so scattered and out of order!  I just wanted to post some pics from Ashley's (my sis-in-law) Bachelorette party at the beach!  I've gotta find some wedding pics too...but here's a few for now!  I LOVE ASHLEY!!


                                        
This is not Ashley, this is my friend Alison.  That would be the beautiful bride in the background giving the peace sign!



Results---------------------

The results from the FSH testing were good.  It was 5.5, anything below a 10 is good.  I thought this was a very important and informative test, so I'm way happy with the results!  I've got some eggies left!!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

IUI update...

So, of course I started my cycle right on cue this month :(  But,  I have my "back up plan", so I'm at ease...for now!  I went in today for my "day 3" blood test to check my egg reserve, I should get the results tomorrow and I'm so anxious to hear them.  I will update with a quick little post tomorrow with the results.  I was told today that anything below a "10" is a good/positive result, so we'll see!

Dr. H had told me in my last appointment that he wanted to do an ultrasound just to see for himself what, if anything, was going on with my baby making stuff.  Dr. J (my Ob-gyn) has already done three on me in the past few months and never said he saw anything of concern.  So during my ultrasound today, Dr. H found two uterine fibroid cysts.  He asked me if Dr. J had ever mentioned them before, and of course, he hadn't.  Just a side note: I have been extremely disappointed with Dr. J in the past for things he disregarded as trivial, things he overlooked and inappropriate things he has said (not dirty inappropriate, just disrespectful and hurtful comments).  Sooo, something else that I'm frustrated about is the fact that Dr. J didn't either notice or just didn't mention these.  Side effects of having these cysts (not to be confused with ovarian cysts) is heavy, long and painful periods.  I have spoken to Dr. J about this recent problem.  I have never had heavy, long or painful periods as long as I can remember.  However, basically just since we started TTC my cycles got this way.  Dr. J said stuff like that just happens sometimes...maybe it could be cysts??  I'm not going to dwell on it, but this is something that could have easily been preventing us from becoming pregnant. 

Dr. H still wants to proceed with the IUI because he doesn't feel that the cysts are big enough to interfere with the procedure.  Furthermore, I'm game too because my body can put up all the road blocks it wants, but the Lord performs miracles everyday and I'm a believer!!!!

So, I start my meds on Wednesday thru Sunday.  I go in next Friday for another ultrasound, and if that looks good we'll be doing the IUI on that Saturday or Sunday.  Just wanted to give an update and we're asking humbly for your prayers.  This is a NERVE racking journey full of a ton of fears, for me anyways.  I'm off the charts with excitement about doing this and the potential AMAZING outcome of it...but the excitement, at this point, is still somewhat overshadowed with anxiety.  Prayers for Jeromy's continued love and support to sustain us through this would be appreciated....as I know it can be frustrating for him to "deal" with me in all of this (I can be difficult, as hard as it is to believe that ;) )

Thank you in advance for the prayers, positive thoughts and support through this journey :)  It means sooo much to us!!


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What's Next?

Since my post before last, dated April 11th, I have tried my very best to hand our TTC concerns/doubts/needs/desires over to the Lord.  Some days and weeks were easier than others.  I prayed for the Lord to deliver me from all my anxiety over trying to control this.  This may sound silly, but it helps me so much to place those prayers, concerns and doubts in the palm of my hands, and with all my heart, mind and strength reach up and let the Lord take them right out of my hands.  For the past four months I have worked on not trying to "time" everything so perfectly, not ruminating over every possible symptom, not stressing my hubby out (very important, even though he's pretty good about this stuff)...and having that "if it happens, it happens" attitude.  Well, I can say that it was quite a bit less stressful, I can say that my prayers worked in reducing my anxiety and I can say I really enjoyed my summer.  What I can't say is that it worked.  But IT.IS.OK!!

Here we are today.  I want to tell you what our plans are and keep you updated from now on.  In June I did do a required procedure in the fertility process.  I believe I wrote about it before.  I did a procedure called an HSG, which is basically when a catheter is put through a woman's cervix, balloons the uterus and dye is run through the fallopian tubes to ensure there is no blockage.  It was quite uncomfortable, but all was clear, which is such a blessing!  This test was supposed to be therapeutic and diagnostic...so far it hasn't proved to be therapeutic, and this is where a little frustration got me really wanting to move on to the next step. 

We are now going on our 14th cycle of TTC.  I'm 32, I know NOT old, but when it's not happening naturally the clock ticks louder.   We would love to have two children, and what if this continues to happen?  I want to take the next step.  I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself, but I kinda do sometimes.  I love it when people in my life say "Go girl, be aggressive, go after what you want, you've waited long enough".  It's kinda hard to hear people say "Are you sure, be more patient, you're so young, take your time".  I don't get mad, I never could, it's just hard when people don't understand...and I understand this.

So, after several months of trying, taking meds, more months of trying and an HSG (and don't forget Jero's call of duty) we are ready.  I made an appointment with a fertility doctor to go over options with us.  We've been seeing my OBGYN, but he can only do so much for us.  I had my appointment today with my new fertility doctor, whom we can call Dr H.  I had to fill out a small amount of paperwork that was about as thick as a paperback book, give or take a few pages.  I signed in, gave my insurance card (which was absolutely pointless) and waited.  Nerves were abound.  When I made the appointment I was filled with excitement and hope.  When I got there I was a nervous wreck??  Finally, I was taken back to meet with Dr H in his office...I felt like I was being interviewed, not in a bad way, but that was the type of setting it was.  Before the appointment my husband asked if he should come and I said "No, I don't want to overwhelm you, I'll go this one alone"....oh how I wish I had done different, I wanted him there with me so bad.

Dr H began going over stats about Jero and I, asking lots of "female" questions, family history questions and so on.  The conclusion he made from my previous records with my OBGYN and through my answers, was that there were no major factors contributing to our infertility.  I learned that infertility usually occurs 40% of the time due to the woman, 40% of the time due to the man and 20% due to unknown factors.  We fall into the 20% category.  This is a good thing actually (for right now).  Our best option would be Artificial Insemenation, also called IUI.  This procedure is very effective for couples like ourselves who do not suffer from major infertility issues.  Sooo, the steps are that I finish out this cycle (of course I'm praying ever so hard that I get pregnant this month and won't have to do the IUI), once I start my next cycle I go in on day 3 to get blood work to determine the amount of eggs I have.  I will start a stronger fertility medicine than I took before (yuck, yuck and YUCK) on days 5-9.  I go in for an ultrasound on day 13 to check my follicles, do the IUI a few days after that and then do another ultrasound.  Looking at the calendar I would do the IUI around September 28 give or take a day or two...so we still have a few weeks to go. 

We are very excited about this, we have sooo much HOPE riding on this.   Jeromy gets upset with me when my hopes get too high, he can keep things in perspective pretty well...I cannot.  I know whatever happens, will happen as it should according to His plan.  My last post speaks of such wisdom, strength, patience and understanding of waiting on the Lord.  I go back and re-read that pretty frequently, I need to be reminded. 


Lord, I'm so thankful for your unmerited grace, mercy and favor you have over me.  I hold strong to your promises and ask for your guidance in our decisions, help us to always seek you first in all that we do.  We give you all the glory, Lord.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Oh How He Loves Us...

We should not only understand the importance of our waiting on God but also realize something even more wonderful-the Lord waits on us.  And the very thought of His waiting on us will give us renewed motivation and inspiration to "wait for him".  It will also provide inexpressible confidence that our waitng will never be in vain.  Therefore, in the spirit of waiting on God, let us seek to discover exactly what it means right now.

The Lord has an inconceivably glorious purpose for each of His children.  "If this is true," you ask, "why is it that He continues to wait longer and longer to offer His grace and to provide the help I seek, even after I have come and waited on Him?"  He does so because He is a wise gardener who "waits for the land to yield it's valuable crop" and is "patient...for the autumn and spring rains" (James 5:7).  God knows He cannot gather the fruit until it's ripe, and He knows precisely when we are spiritually ready to receive blessings for our gain and His glory.  And waiting in the sunshine of His love is what will ripen our soul for His blessings.  Also, waiting under the clouds of trials is as important, for they will ultimately produce showers of blessings.

Rest assured that if God waits longer than we desire, it is simply to make the blessings doubly precious. Remember, He waited four thousand years, "but when the time had fully come, God sent his Son" (Gal. 4:4).  Our time is in His hands, and He will quickly avenge those He has chosen, swiftly coming to our support without ever delaying even on hour too long.

**How amazing His promises are to us!!  I was blessed today to receive this daily devotion from Patti...spoke right to my heart and our exceedingly anxious situation.  We were also doubly blessed today to be prayed over by an amazing woman that is Patti's bestfriend...prayer warrior she is.  The peace that came over me is unexplainable.  I was assured of His promises and protection today through her....

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Feeling great!!

It's been a little bit since I posted.  I'm totally enjoying the beautiful weather and soaking it up!  With the winter we had, this weather is just heaven sent and such a great mood lifter.  Spring really brings newness.  A new start, new thoughts, new feelings and new hope. 

I'm still sticking to the plan of having no plan, or better yet, following His plan.  Even though we just started meds, for the past nine months I have tried to over control the process...planning out each and every month.  So, this having no plan plan feels wonderful!  It's like a HUGE weight is lifted!  My whole attitude has changed.  I want to enjoy the next several months and see what happens.  Really putting it in God's hands, for real this time.  Easier said than done because I haven't truly been doing that, it's hard when you're TTC!

I've got some fun trips coming up the next few months, so hopefully lots to blog about! 

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

This is getting too "technical"...

Is what Jero said to me today after my Dr's appointment today.  It put my mind and heart into a tailspin of emotions.  I totally agree with him, actually.  I truly do NOT know how women can fight this battle for months or, better yet, years. 

I was told to call Dr J if I got my period.  Well, my cycle started Saturday, so Monday morning I called.  I was just expecting them to write me another script for the meds.  Not so.  I actually had to do another ultrasound.  My word, I didn't know this.  It was to ensure that I didn't have any cysts left over from my first round of meds...makes sense.  So, I went in and he proceeded to explain to me exactly when I ovulated last month.  I learned something very interesting, kinda basic, I'm surprised I didn't know it.  When a woman starts her cycle and then ovulates, it can vary from woman to woman...it can range anywhere from day 12 to any amount of time (I knew this).  However, once a woman ovulates, it is unvariably exactly 14 days later that a woman will begin her cycle.  With that, Dr J was able to determine exactly what day I ovulated. 

Armed with this interesting information, my mind began to do calculations from last month.  As I sat there with my feet in the stirrups, thinking that if I ovulated on Saturday (as Dr J confirmed), I can see where we probably missed the boat.  Last month when I went for my ultrasound and he did the calculations on my follicle, he told me that I would ovulate Sunday or Monday...which we now know was actually Saturday.  And this, my friends, is why it shouldn't be so "technical".  I'm totally grateful that there are these AMAZING resources to determine what our reproductive systems are up to, but it can be draining.  I'm already drained. 

It didn't really sink in until I called Jero after my appointment to discuss the calculations and what we can do "better" this time.  I found myself sounding a little bit, um, crazy.  I was talking a million miles a minute, and he was trying to keep up and actually encourage me...but I shot him down because what he was saying didn't make sense to me and I didn't want to hear it.  He will be out of town this month during my most fertile time, and I was so upset and trying to figure out how we would work it out.  He finally interrupted me and said "this is getting too technical".  I stopped right in my tracks.  It's very true. 

Let me just say this is not intended to be a "downer" post, just want to explain what we're doing :)  I've decided, no more meds.  Today with just the ultrasound and visit it was $200.  You have to do this twice a month, so that's $400 plus the $70 meds.  Aside from the cost, I would already like to take a little break.  I feel really bad for Jero and don't want to put too much stress on our marriage.  With his comment today, a lot flashed before me and I didn't like what I saw, or how I was acting.  I've read some disturbing stories about couples TTC and what it can do, I don't want to head in that direction.  So, at least for the next few months, we're going to enjoy spring and summer and just see what happens :)  We're certainly still trying, but I'm praying that I won't be so consumed with the exact calculations of ovulation and all the imaginary pregnancy symptoms that follow two weeks later.  We'll see.  I'm feeling really good about it!!  And I'll most definitely keep blogging...maybe about something other than TTC! 


Monday, March 29, 2010

....

I think no matter what, despite the emotional rollcoaster, I will always have hope.  I won't give up.  I didn't get pregnant this month, but prayerfully it will happen next month!  As far as my depressing last post, I was certainly convicted on many levels of what I wrote.  Thank goodness God's mercies are new every day is all I have to say :)

Going through this (hopefully brief) infertility has enlightened me in so many ways, but most importantly it has softened my heart.  Just as with ANYTHING, whether it be an injury that impairs a part of your body, the loss of a family member, a long time job that you have been laid off from...it's naturally challenging for our hearts and minds to relate to other people's hardships/tragedies/misfortunes.  We tend to be selfish and grateful at the same time.  Selfish that we sometimes don't notice or aren't burdened by others that are suffering.  Grateful that if we actually do notice, we just stop and say a prayer of thanks and praise that it isn't us and move on with our busy lives.  I've done it.  Guilty. 

However, in everything I do and the trials that I face, I want to learn something and change my heart to become more sensitive.  I want to show grace and embrace others with as much love as they deserve.  So, when I say that this "wait" will teach  me something, I know it already has and still will.  Believe it or not, a part of me is actually grateful for this "wait"...


Heavenly Father,

Help me to remember others in need,
Lord give me the words and wisdom to encourage them.
Please use me to do your will in helping others.

I lift my voice in prayer for all of those who are troubled, sick or in any need.
Lord please protect them, bless them and keep them.

Amen

P.S.  I said I would post something funny didn't I?  I seem to always be so "deep" lately, I'm kinda driving myself crazy.  Buuut, I do have something funny....quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen in FOREVER.   Check out this link! Bwahahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTbAsmPOKo


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Defeated

Today I'm feeling a little defeated...it's just one of those days!  I can't seem to get negative thoughts out of my head.  I try really hard to be positive, but it can be hard.  No, I haven't "started" yet, so that's a good thing...but the lack of pregnancy symptoms is a let down.  And, the break out that my face is experiencing right about this time every month is all too familiar :(  I know this "negative" post is coming a little premature, but it's like I just know it didn't happen this month.  Didn't I just say in my last post that I was feeling "peaceful" about the process?  Wow, the rollercoaster truly is crazy. 

Here are my negative and irrational thoughts.  I feel like it's truly going to take a LOT of "work" to get pregnant...and by "work" I mean a LOT more planning, pills and possibly invasive procedures.  Why do I let my thoughts get the best of me and become soo pessimistic??  YUCK, I hate it!  From what we know...there isn't really anything "wrong" with either of us.  So, I took crappy fertility meds this month and I'm thinking they didn't work...I just don't get it.

OK, I refuse to ramble anymore about something that hasn't even happened yet.  I need some serious schooling in "positive thinking"!!!  Please forgive my Debbie Downer post...I will try my very best to write something uplifting or funny on my next post no matter what happens in the next few days....deal?  K!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Waiting

Is the hardest part.  I'm trying not to obsess over it too much...some months I do more than others.  Some months I'm more anxious than others waiting to see if this is THE month.  But, this month I feel a little more peaceful about the process.  I realize that it is normal for a woman to take six to nine months to actually conceive.  Some things take a while to sink in, some things won't ever sink in, and some things I will waiver on month to month...just saying :)  This I know...it will happen.

I'm gonna try my BEST to not test this month.  I've said this many times before and failed miserably!  Jeromy insists that it costs too much money to keep buying pregnancy tests, when all I have to do is wait...which I admit is true.  Right now I'm guessing I'm about 5 or 6, maybe 6 or 7 DPO (days past ovulation).   The meds I took will alter my cycle length, so I'm interested to see when I start my cycle <-----hoping I won't be starting another cycle :)  So, I am off a little, but I think I should know something by next weekend??  

Please keep me in your prayers, if you will.   

Monday, March 15, 2010

Decisions and hopefully great outcomes...

At this point in TTC (trying to conceive...I will probably use this term a lot, get used to it) we had a couple options to choose from.  As I said a couple posts back, we could choose to do an HSG right off or try meds for three months then do an HSG if the meds didn't work.  Neither option is appealing, but we definitely wanted to do something!

I chose to start with the meds.  Well, the HSG is $500 and isn't covered by most insurances...hmmm, money or mood swings, TOUGH CHOICE!  Somehow, the moodswings sounded better cheaper...oh, but they come with a price too ;)  Dr J wrote me a script for the five pills to be taken on cycle days 5-9, which like I said before, allows me to grow bigger and better eggies.

So, here I am on my ninth cycle, having taken those five pills.  It's amazing how much hope lies in those five little pills.  I have hope and lots and lots of faith.  They weren't too terrible to me.  I mostly had yucky yucky  headaches that just nauseated me, along with tiredness...DH Jero would tell you that I most definitely had mood swings, who me?!  I can deal with the headaches, tiredness and all that came with it...not complaining!

(Btw, if at ANY time this becomes TMI, you can stop reading...after several months of keeping it just between a few people, it feels good to blog about it here.)

 A "cycle" for a woman is generally 28-30 days long...I fall in that range.  Women generally ovulate around day 14ish...I ovulate much later it seems (like day 17-20), another reason I took the meds.  Also, on the meds you must have an ultrasound done, somewhere between CD(cycle day)12-14...to check your follicles (what holds the egg before ovulation), measuring how big they are.  The size doesn't matter much to me, he measured it and said it looked to be a nice big size!!  Yay for my follies! 

In the past few posts, I have caught you guys up on where we are in this journey, the choices we've made, and the dreams we hope for.  In a couple days I will begin what we TTCers like to call the 2WW (two week wait).  I've done this emotional 2WW a few times now.  I've become not only a SERIAL googler on pregnancy symptoms, but I've become a SERIAL POASer (pee on a stick).  It becomes quite comical really.  It's ok, I believe I'm not crazy because all my sweet TTC cyber friends do it too.  I mean, about one week into the 2WW I'm constantly:

~Touching my boobs looking for tenderness (this can look a little wierd when doing it in public)

~Wondering why I'm peeing so much, that little bean is pressing on my bladder I bet (I just like to drink a lot of water)

~Thinking that if I'm hungry I MUST be pregnant (nope, I just have to eat several times a day b/c I'm a little piggy)

~Pondering on why I'm so gassy, maybe it's that little baby snuggling in for a long stay (um, nope again, YOU were gassy coming out of the womb, I remind myself)

~Thinking how tired I am ALL the time, my body must be working OVERTIME because I'm newly pregnant (yea right girl, you stay tired pregnant or not)

~Excited because I feel the littlest bit nauseas, now I just KNOW I'm pregnant (try again, it's your nerves because your stressing about all of the above...now it's time for a visit from Aunt Flow...try, try again)

See how crazy it can make someone!!  I fear for my sanity if I have to do this much longer.  My friend that finally got pregnant after six years confessed to me the other day that she felt like she was getting really obsessed with it and becoming depressed (but, she did stay faithful and reliant on the Lord I must say).  I'm certainly not to that point (well, you might say different after reading all of my imaginary pregnancy symptoms), but it does go very deep.  I honestly don't think I've yearned for something so bad in my life.  I'm still trying to remain patient on the Lord.  It's so hard to want something and pray in a self serving way, but in the same breath pray that this will happen in His timing...I need help on this.  I also struggle with the fact that I write this blog like I've been TTC for many years.  I don't ever want it to become that way, or be construed that way.  I guess I just thought it would happen right away, like most couples do.  It's hit me a little hard that it didn't happen sooner, and that I'd have to do meds or even more to make this happen.  In church on Sunday, my awesome pastor was speaking about being faithful and worshipping the Lord.  He spoke about people going through trials and we change through them, but the Lord is unchanging.  We can be complainers or we can be worshippers...it's how we deal with heartache, let downs, tribulations, illness that speaks to how big our God really is.  I believe He is a big, unchanging, passionate, loving, gracious God.  I write here, hopefully not to complain, but to pour my heart out and to praise Him because I KNOW there is a bigger meaning to this "wait". 

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

I'll be back to post all of my imaginary pregnancy symptoms this month, maybe just maybe, they won't be imaginary ;)

P.S. I can't seem to find the spell check on here...help?  Maybe all my words are spelled correctly, that would be nice, I did win a lot of spelling bees back in the day!

Friday, March 12, 2010

On a lighter (and funnier) note...

Before I follow up on the last post, I found some of these online and I just HAD to share. I canNOT tell you how very true, yet funny these statements are...you gotta have a sense of humor!! (I said I would go over "terms", but I think this post will enlighten you enough)




YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO CONCEIVE WHEN:



-The Big 'O' no longer refers to Orgasm, but instead to Ovulation

- Every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps a sign of pregnancy

- It no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out with both HPTs (home pregnancy tests) AND tampons in your cart.

- You schedule your social events around your ovulation day

- If your OPK (ovulation predictor kit) comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD (baby dance) & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards

- You talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc (trying to conceive) buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww

- Your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"

- You take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)

- You refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.

- You put off buying any summer clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets warmer.

- You clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs

- Your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.

- You spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility meds than you do on clothes (this is the TRUTH)

- The thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!

- You make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink

- You finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!

- You refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" ("dear husband" in the cyber world) in real life

- You suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers (pee on a stick) during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it!

-You’ve had your feet in stirrups more times than you can count and being poked and prodded “down there” doesn’t even phase you anymore.

- Pregnancy announcements generate tears — and they’re usually not happy ones.

- Birth announcements generate even more tears.

- You have a love/hate relationship with the baby section of all stores, not wanting to go anywhere near it, yet always finding yourself inevitably drawn towards it.

- You could have not only bought a Coach purse, you could have invested in Coach stock with all the money you’ve spent on pregnancy tests.

- You have colored charts and graphs and blow-by-blow journal entries of your cycle to present to your doctor at every visit.

- You’ve read every last article that comes up on Google as to why you might not be pregnant, and have a possible treatment plan to present to your doctor in addition to your charts and graphs.

- You have an addiction to peeing on sticks.

- Walgreens knows you now, because you’re in there monthly stocking up on pregnancy tests.

- You and your husband have ever rendezvoused at weird locations because “it’s time!”

- You could teach health class at the local high school when it comes to a woman’s reproductive system and menstrual cycle. (most definitely)

- You’ve ever promised yourself that “this month you aren’t going to stress it or think about it” but you know that is completely impossible to achieve even as you’re saying it.

- You want to strangle women who do nothing but complain about their children and then inform you that "You’re so lucky and you don’t know what you have to not have children.”

- You’ve called in to work, not because of the first day of cramps, but for another day of heart break.

- You seriously think you’re going to go postal the next time you hear, “Just don’t think about it or stress out about it…” (AMEN)

- You actually understand the following sentence: “It’s CD 12 and I just got a positive on an OPK, so DH and I are going to BD tonight which will then bring on the 2WW (two week wait) and hopefully at the end, when I use my HPT to POAS I’ll get a BFP (big fat positive)!”

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Appointments and "Options"

It hasn't been an exact year that we've been trying, but I want to be aggressive...and, thankfully my Dr. (we'll call him Dr J) wants to too. I had to go in for some blood work a few weeks ago to check my prolactin, thyroid and cholesterol. Everything came back great, and he said my cholesterol was excellent (not that this has anything to do with making babies). As I grinned at him with a "Oh yea, I know, I eat pretty good, thanks" look...he immediately responded with "Now, you can't take credit for that, it's genetic", dang, thanks be to my parents I suppose ;)

Everything has always been so "normal" with me. I've been pretty blessed so far. I've had very easy and regular cycles for as long as I can remember, my blood work has always been above average levels. Somehow I get bonus points on my iron level...Dr J always tells me that I have some of the highest iron levels (I don't hardly ever eat red meat either, must be all the peanut butter, ha!). Ok, I'm getting off topic here, once again iron levels don't really have much to do with making babies! But, I know what DOES have to do with making babies.....the swimmers!!! That's half the battle right? It appears so far that I'm pretty normal, no known ovulation problems, regular cycles...so what about my darling husband? My darling husband that wasn't so, ahem, darling after being told the duty he would have to perform.

In all seriousness, he was a champ about it, not overly excited...but willing, and that's what is important! We're all adults here, so there is probably no need to explain the actual process of what took place. Let me just give you the deets. His results were FINE, he actually doubled the minimum standard that he needs to have. He's got the GOODS!

So, back to Dr J we go to see what to do next. We had options of course. There is a test called an HSG (big looong word I don't know how to spell, not gonna try). Basically, it's a procedure where they fill a woman's fallopian tubes with dye to ensure there is no blockage. Having a blockage is a possibility. It's not a comfortable procedure, during or after...but it would be worth it. There is a catch to this HSG, a good catch. First, to find a blockage, but second, a bonus because it can actually clear tubes of mucus allowing eggs to more easily flow through. Dr J tells me (and so did Dr Google-he's great too, but he will inevitably make you crazy) that a lot of women become pregnant shortly following HSG's....fabulous! A side note, HSG's are pricey and generally aren't covered by insurance.

Another option, fertility medicine...YUCK! Anything that is disruptive to female hormones is B-A-D, for her and all of those around her. Even though, as we THINK, I don't have an ovulation issue this medicine would stimulate the ovaries producing BIGGER and BETTER eggies....basically more of a "target" for the swimmers!! Back to the meds. Dr J tells me that they will cause hot flashes, mood swings (Dear Jeromy, I love you, The End), headaches and some other nasty side effects. But, just like the HSG, it would be worth it! Pricey meds too. I would take five pills on days 5-9 of my cycle. FIVE pills cost $90, a small break with insurance is $70, but wowzers still pricey!

With those two options, it's either do three months of meds to see if they work, and if not do the HSG. OR, we could first do the HSG first and then try meds. We decided, blindly really, but we did....





***As I said in my "About Me" caption...I have plenty to pray for and plenty to praise about. No surprise to those who know me, but I love to follow forums/blogs about anything and everything that's near to my heart. I, of course, have been blogging with other women in this same journey. There have been so many blessings (pregnancies) among these women lately, praise God. He is a great and merciful God. For those that are still seeking out His blessings to come, I pray for them. I pray that the Lord, in His timing, will fulfill their heart's desires.



***Some more praise...a girl I work with whom has been privately struggling with infertility for SIX years just found out she is pregnant!!! Girlfriend is a Christ follower and has done her best to put it in His hands, not saying she didn't want to give up (as I might after that long), but she is truly an inspiration. Love her. God is so good!!!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Try, try again...

We decided to start "trying" sometime after the year mark of being married. We weren't quite ready, for various reasons at that point.  But, by the next summer I was all to ready! Ahhh, this should be easy...if it doesn't happen the first month, surely by the next, no PROB! Now, moving along into my ninth cycle, all I can say is I'm in disbelief?!  I certainly don't want to sound insensitive on my blog expressing our concern and disappointment over this matter.  I chat with girls everyday (online) that are going through this process and have been going through it for MUCH longer than I.  I fully understand that it hasn't been an eternity.  It feels like it, but it's not.  I also TRY TO accept and understand the fact that it can take much longer for us as well.

At six months we were frustrated, concerned and disheartened. By eight months, last month, it was time to go to the doctor!! The "proverbial" clock is a tickin'...and IT.IS.LOUD! I realize I'm going to be 32 in two months, and I suppose I have time on my side, but I don't feel that way. I want two babies, I wanted them to be a few years apart...however, this option has become so trivial and unimportant. I will take what I can get, when I can get it. This is how you get in this process. Yea, the whole idea of having a boy at the age of __ (fill in the blank), followed by a girl at the age of __ (you know, fill in the blank)...is O-U-T the window. But, this is ok. This process has more than humbled me. What was so crucial at one point in my life has become so insignificant now.  First and foremost, I want the Lord's will to be done in our life. Secondly, I just want a HEALTHY baby...boy or girl, one or two or THREE (haha). 

So, WE went to the doctor. Yes, Jeromy had to do his "part" too. And, yes, I will spill all his personal information. He's part of this journey too...he won't care, I don't think.




P.S. I just want to thank Kristi from http://www.kristiskringles.blogspot.com/  for the awesome, beautiful job she did on the face of my blog! I looove it!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'm BAAAAAACK!!!

Yes, all of my faithful readers (all two or three of you), I'm BAAACK!  I've been sooo busy, preoccupied, ok LAZY!  Lazy and mostly boring.  In the past several months we have tried to sell our townhome unsuccessfully, it's now rented.  We have moved in with Patti (Jero's mom).  We will be here until we find something or actually build.  I'm thankful to be here.  Most importantly, and the reason I am trying to revive my blog...we have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for nine months.  Nine weeks, nine months or nine years of trying without the fortune of seeing that desired BIG FAT POSITIVE will take it's toll on anyone physically and emotionally!!!  That would be a "BFP" in baby making terminology...will explain all the terms later ;)

What happens when your dreams are at your fingertips, but other factors are keeping them from happening? Very simple factors, like the dynamics of our reproductive systems...HA, simple, yea right! The process of getting one mature egg fertilized with ONE healthy, ambitious little swimming sperm is an intricate undertaking...wouldn't you say??? It's an amazing, majestic process of the Genesis of life...that is not really within my realm of understanding!

For some it happens as simple as passing in the dark, for others, not so much. My heart aches for women that have tried and continue to try year after year to create life, to hold a tiny baby in their arms, to pass on the love that fills their hearts to the brim. I can't fathom trying for years to fulfill that dream. However, I do have that dream, I've always had it...I wanted to be a mother since owning my very first baby doll (it was called "Baby Alive", and I creatively called it "Baby Don't Die")! Reading back on my diary from elementary and middle school, I was reminded of that. I was reminded in my own writing that I wanted SIX children, I wanted to be a mom above and beyond most anything else that seemed to catch my attention at the time. Some dreams change, some don't...um, let's say I do NOT desire to have SIX children, but I wholeheartedly want to be a mother.

What is my point in all this? I have been trying to concieve for nine months now.  I want a baby, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish. My family and close friends know this, it's not top secret around here. I'm a pretty open person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will tell you my deepest darkest secrets (well, they're not THAT deep and dark), I will tell you how much I make an hour (pretty comical, that hourly rate), I will tell you anything! I'm not the most private person in the world...however, I definitley use discretion and try to use good judgement. I've been debating on whether I wanted to blog to the world (or a few random people that drop by) about it!? Should I just keep it a family matter or pour my heart out on a blog that is my own and share how I feel with others? I choose the latter....I want to share my journey!

I've got lots to share, lots to pray over, many to pray for in this same journey of mine...



Heavenly Father, thank you for all the blessings in my life, they are countless.
All of my life I have dreamt of being a mother,
of raising children with loving hearts,
to do your will on this earth.

Teach me how to patiently wait on you father,
Strengthen me to never grow weary.
I know that through you all things are possible.



Amen