Stork on Strike...

Apparently my Stork is on strike.  Unfortunately the IUI did not work.  Heartbroken doesn't even describe it.  A lot of emotions balled up into a hot mess ----> ME!  I'm upset with myself for several things.  I'm such an open person, to a fault.  I let everyone in on everything, all the time.  I'm not a very private person, never have been.  I shared this experience with a lot of people, a lot of family and friends and I feel so foolish for doing that.  It's not anyone's fault but my own.  They have been amazingly supportive and encouraging through this.  However, the sadness and frustration is not only a part of Jeromy and I and hard on us, it's hard on them.  They don't want to see me hurt, then I hurt because they are hurt for me.  It's one thing for Jeromy and I to be let down, but to share that with so many people has become very hard.  I realize now, finally, that it should be a little more of a private journey for us.  I guess I never could foresee this aspect of sharing it with everyone.  I realized this when, on Friday, my sister-in-law (who is amazing) asked me how I was "feeling" (meaning if I felt pregnant) and by this time I already knew I was not and she was probably the 10th person to ask me...I looked at her and said "No I don't feel anything and I don't want to talk about it anymore" and just started crying and had to leave the room.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, I can't do it anymore, it's too much to bear to bring my family and friends in on something that is so sensitive to all of us, not just me.

I'm also upset with myself for the feelings of bitterness, jealousy and judgement that I'm experiencing at this moment.  Through this journey I've had a few "punches in the gut"...or maybe it's just little pity parties!  I see pregnant women everywhere, I see newborns everywhere and it is really depressing.  I attend a (mega) church where there are roughly 5-6 thousand members and TODAY a cute little couple with a brand new baby sit right in front of me...WHY??  Working on a better attitude...

We are going to take a break now.  As hard as this has been on our marriage, I realize now more than ever what an amazing husband I have.  What a rock he is, what an encourager!  Thank God he takes things in stride, because lately I just can't.  My prayer is that he will always lead us with strong hands.  We're in it together, forever.  As if right out of the movie "Steel Magnolias", Jeromy just says "We'll adopt if we have to".  I love him.

As far as blogging, as you can see I blog about nothing else but trying to have a baby.  First, my life isn't that interesting.  Second, really it's all that I can think about and it's sooo therapeutic to blog about it.  That's where I'm torn because it truly helps me to blog and I can keep up with my TTC friends too.  I will keep my blog updated as far as I feel comfortable doing.  We are trying to build a house right now, so I will definitely blog about that once it gets started as well...that is VERY exciting!!

As I have mentioned on my blog before, I have always and will always pray for women that are in the same struggle as I am in.  I read countless blogs of women that have continued to try for years, only to fail time and time again.  Thousands of money spent on IUI's and IVF's with the highest of hopes and the most faithful hearts only to be broken.  One blogger spoke of hearing about a woman battling cancer AND infertility, she described her struggle with infertility being as difficult as her battle with cancer!!  I can't even speak on that, but that is powerful.  One thing I have learned and have been humbled by is that everyone struggles with something...it's a basic piece of wisdom, but it's always good to remember.  I will keep praying for YOU!

I love the little reminders that seem to pop up "mysteriously" in my time of hurt.  In college I had the most amazing group of girlfriends.  There were six of us and we called ourselves the "Sexy Six Pack"...that is the funniest thing ever!  We thought we were too cool for a sorority (we were), so we appropriately gave ourselves that name.  Anyways, yesterday I came across this box of old college pics and notes.  One year we decided to sit down and pass around paper and write something that we love about each other.  My beautiful friend Erin wrote "I love the way your face lights up when you are around children, you'll be an awesome mom one day"!  It was what I needed to hear right at that moment...it didn't bother me or make me wanna burst into tears, it made me smile, it was perfect!  I came across that note for a reason, He works in mysterious ways.

This is the prayer I put on my first post regarding TTC, it just needed re-posting....



Heavenly Father, thank you for all the blessings in my life, they are countless.

All of my life I have dreamt of being a mother,
of raising children with loving hearts,
to do your will on this earth.


Teach me how to patiently wait on you father,
Strengthen me to never grow weary.
I know that through you all things are possible.




Amen