Did not work. I was under the impression that the 1st failed IUI was the hardest...not true. I'm in a funky place right now. Tears overflowing :( After the initial shock/pain of the negative results, now I am just left with an overwhelming feeling of just letting people down...again. It's ok though, clearly His timing is just not right yet. I've just lost a lot of steam, but will prayerfully gain some strength and courage back to move on.
I have a God-given dream to have a baby. The Lord put the desire in my heart a long time ago to be a mother. If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know the struggle I am going through and certainly know how very badly I want a child. I get very upset every time a cycle ends and I haven't gotten pregnant. I don't understand why it hasn't happened. I've gone through all types of scenarios in my mind as to what could be causing this infertility...and boy have I come up with a plethora of reasons, all because of Dr. Google <----by the way I don't like Dr. Google. I just get soo frustrated!! All the "why me's" and all the horrible feelings of jealousy and bitterness are sometimes just too overwhelming. I wonder why other people seem so much more blessed than me in that area....that's where the "why me" comes in.
But then...I hear God's word and I'm reminded about my God-given dream. I LOVE when I am in need of hearing something that will speak right to my heart, and then there it is...God speaking right through a guest pastor tonight at church. Words so powerful, a perspective so clear that you KNOW God is present and powerful in your life. What I know is that if it took this journey for me to realize that I am not in control, than I'm OK with that. I'm OK with the fact that I have been sooo humbled by this process...so humbled that I will continue to worship and serve our great Lord, even if I'm not blessed with a biological child. I have to remember that I am not worshiping God's activities, I'm worshiping His identity, our guest Pastor hit the nail on the head here.
It's very hard when we want something so bad, to not pray in that way. I want so badly to just seek Him and not what I think He can bless me with. I AM so blessed though. I'm sooo soooo thankful for my salvation and what Jesus did on the cross for us...isn't that enough to be blessed with?? Everything in my life was given to me from our Lord, it's not mine, and I have been given so much. In the face of disappointment, pain, loss I will always worship our Lord NO.MATTER.WHAT. I will not compromise my God-given values just to have my God-given dream...
I went for my follie scan on Friday to see what my little ovaries were up to. I, again, have TWO follicles (18mm). This time I have two on my right ovary and none in my left. Last time my left follicle collapsed, I'm hoping these both release and are mature enough...I've had a little discussion with the follies, so they know their job! Jero had to give me my HCG shot last night, he did a great job!! I go in tomorrow morning at 8:15 for the insemination...will keep you updated :)
“Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen."
Matthew 21:21
I've been debating on blogging about our next steps. I really struggled with our 1st IUI failing...like I said before, I just had realllllly high hopes about it. Then I struggled with having to face soo many people about it. I was soo incredibly excited that we were blessed enough to be able to do the IUI, I basically shouted it from the roof tops. My friends and family are and were amazing through the wait and then wonderful after the crappy news. But in the end, I think it was just too hard to have to go to ALL those people and say it didn't work.
Soooo, we are doing a 2nd IUI this month. I'm only telling a very few family members. If you read my blog and you're a friend or family member...than I guess you're in on it with me (and furthermore, I won't know who knows and who doesn't). But, I do think this is far different than blabbing it all over the place, and that's what got my heart in trouble last time!
About the IUI. I'm on CD8 and have been taking Clomid for the past few days. I have a monitoring ultrasound Friday to see what the ol' ovaries are up to. That's only CD12 for me which is way too early, but it seems they don't wanna come in on the weekend just for an ultrasound. The one thing we are going to do differently is the timing of the IUI. On my first one, in my heart I just felt that it was too late for the IUI. He did an ultrasound right before the insemination and he said I had already ovulated...which is fine, but it's always best to have the swimmers up there right before ovulation! So this time, we are going to do it 24 hours after I get the HCG trigger shot, instead of 36 hours like before.
Jeromy is in Florida for a baseball tournament all week and comes back on Sunday. Looks like we will be doing the IUI Monday morning (week of Thanksgiving), so it's cutting it a little close, ha! I gave him some specific instructions for his trip...one being to PLEASE not spend all day in the hot tub. He said he would be in it everyday just to ensure his muscles aren't too sore from the games...uggghh! As we probably all know, that is NO bueno for the swimmers so hopefully he will sacrifice a little and stay out! I usually go with him on this trip, but I just wanted to save my PTO for something more special. Him leaving had me thinking about our last bball trip to FL last year in November. We had been TTC for about 4 or 5 months at that time and I had brought ovulation tests with me, I had never used them before. I got a positive on the first one I took and you would have thought it was a positive pregnancy test, I was sooo excited! I was so naive, I just knew I would get pregnant simply because I had a positive test and we did the baby dance that night....yea right!! Here we are a year later, trying for almost a year and a half. But it's ok, I've learned so much, and in a way, wouldn't change it for the world...
I'm over the initial shock of the failed IUI. A TTC friend of mine told me her first failed IUI was a shocker too. I guess that it's just you figure after trying naturally, surely a procedure like this would work...and when it doesn't, it's just a shock to the system. I've been, coincidentally, seeing and hearing so much in God's word about waiting on Him and being patient. This is the resolve and truth that I remind myself of daily! I really don't want to miss out on the Lord's blessings due to focusing on my own desires and my own needs ahead of His plans for me!!
One of my biggest fears is gaining weight. I KNOW how horrible and SUPERficial that sounds! I have already come to the realization that I will inevitably gain weight when I get pregnant...fine by me, it would soo be worth it! What I haven't expected was gaining weight due to the stress of TTC AND the fertility meds :(
I received an email the other day from a friend of mine that shares other struggles with me. I feel so compelled to share this email on my blog. It was so beautifully written and I asked her if I could share it here. When she responded to me she said that she felt her words came from the Lord, that she prayed for the right things to say to me. I hope in sharing this email, it will bring others comfort, as it did me.
Hey Amy. I read your blog post on Sunday night. I just wanted to say that I admire your courage in sharing your struggles. Transparency in your struggles is a gift you give your close family and friends. I think so many relationships are lacking because people are afraid to share their hurt and heartache. God is glorified on such a magnificent level through our suffering. When we suffer and proclaim that God is enough!!! That takes strength and courage and such a deep faith. Its easy to share the good times with people but I don't think (I could be wrong here)it makes as deep an impact on the hearts of others. This is a heartbreaking journey. It can crush you and cause you to lose faith, but Our Heavenly Father IS sovereign over your life. I think when we cry out in pain to HIM he will wrap His arms around you and comfort you in a way that no person can. Be angry, sad and frustrated. He knows your heart and loves you no matter what.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10
Praying for you!
Ashley
Apparently my Stork is on strike. Unfortunately the IUI did not work. Heartbroken doesn't even describe it. A lot of emotions balled up into a hot mess ----> ME! I'm upset with myself for several things. I'm such an open person, to a fault. I let everyone in on everything, all the time. I'm not a very private person, never have been. I shared this experience with a lot of people, a lot of family and friends and I feel so foolish for doing that. It's not anyone's fault but my own. They have been amazingly supportive and encouraging through this. However, the sadness and frustration is not only a part of Jeromy and I and hard on us, it's hard on them. They don't want to see me hurt, then I hurt because they are hurt for me. It's one thing for Jeromy and I to be let down, but to share that with so many people has become very hard. I realize now, finally, that it should be a little more of a private journey for us. I guess I never could foresee this aspect of sharing it with everyone. I realized this when, on Friday, my sister-in-law (who is amazing) asked me how I was "feeling" (meaning if I felt pregnant) and by this time I already knew I was not and she was probably the 10th person to ask me...I looked at her and said "No I don't feel anything and I don't want to talk about it anymore" and just started crying and had to leave the room. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I can't do it anymore, it's too much to bear to bring my family and friends in on something that is so sensitive to all of us, not just me.
I'm also upset with myself for the feelings of bitterness, jealousy and judgement that I'm experiencing at this moment. Through this journey I've had a few "punches in the gut"...or maybe it's just little pity parties! I see pregnant women everywhere, I see newborns everywhere and it is really depressing. I attend a (mega) church where there are roughly 5-6 thousand members and TODAY a cute little couple with a brand new baby sit right in front of me...WHY?? Working on a better attitude...
We are going to take a break now. As hard as this has been on our marriage, I realize now more than ever what an amazing husband I have. What a rock he is, what an encourager! Thank God he takes things in stride, because lately I just can't. My prayer is that he will always lead us with strong hands. We're in it together, forever. As if right out of the movie "Steel Magnolias", Jeromy just says "We'll adopt if we have to". I love him.
As far as blogging, as you can see I blog about nothing else but trying to have a baby. First, my life isn't that interesting. Second, really it's all that I can think about and it's sooo therapeutic to blog about it. That's where I'm torn because it truly helps me to blog and I can keep up with my TTC friends too. I will keep my blog updated as far as I feel comfortable doing. We are trying to build a house right now, so I will definitely blog about that once it gets started as well...that is VERY exciting!!
As I have mentioned on my blog before, I have always and will always pray for women that are in the same struggle as I am in. I read countless blogs of women that have continued to try for years, only to fail time and time again. Thousands of money spent on IUI's and IVF's with the highest of hopes and the most faithful hearts only to be broken. One blogger spoke of hearing about a woman battling cancer AND infertility, she described her struggle with infertility being as difficult as her battle with cancer!! I can't even speak on that, but that is powerful. One thing I have learned and have been humbled by is that everyone struggles with something...it's a basic piece of wisdom, but it's always good to remember. I will keep praying for YOU!
I love the little reminders that seem to pop up "mysteriously" in my time of hurt. In college I had the most amazing group of girlfriends. There were six of us and we called ourselves the "Sexy Six Pack"...that is the funniest thing ever! We thought we were too cool for a sorority (we were), so we appropriately gave ourselves that name. Anyways, yesterday I came across this box of old college pics and notes. One year we decided to sit down and pass around paper and write something that we love about each other. My beautiful friend Erin wrote "I love the way your face lights up when you are around children, you'll be an awesome mom one day"! It was what I needed to hear right at that moment...it didn't bother me or make me wanna burst into tears, it made me smile, it was perfect! I came across that note for a reason, He works in mysterious ways.
This is the prayer I put on my first post regarding TTC, it just needed re-posting....
Heavenly Father, thank you for all the blessings in my life, they are countless.
All of my life I have dreamt of being a mother,
of raising children with loving hearts,
to do your will on this earth.
Teach me how to patiently wait on you father,
Strengthen me to never grow weary.
I know that through you all things are possible.
Amen
The joys of trying to conceive have become few and far between. It's more like the stress of TTC, or the anxiety of TTC or the frustration of TTC. However, I can find a little humor in it still. I was reminded of this humor stumbling upon one of my TTC friend's blogs today. A while back (maybe when I had more humor about the TTC journey) I posted a list of one liners "You Know You're TTC When:" It really is soo funny and sooo darn true, almost depressingly true!
I would say for at least the first nine months of trying, I was a home pregnancy tester FREAK (a serial POAS'er in TTC terms)! I should most definitely have stock in these. I've bought the cheap, the expensive and everything in between. At five days out of getting my period I would start testing! However, after sooo many negatives it did start to become too emotional and expensive, so I stopped. I always buy them at the same place, Walgreens...it's convenient, it's on my way home from work. Whenever I go check out, I always get the same cashier. It's an older sweet lady. She never misses a beat. Every single time I check out she says "Awww, will this be your first?" I just look at her and say "Yes, God willing". She replies "Ooooh I bet you'll be a great mother, I hope you're pregnant". Inevitably I go back in a few days after buying the HPT's and buy stupid tampons!
So, I am itching to go to Walgreens after work today. I am less than five days away from getting my period OR NOT getting it. I keep wavering. I'm a little crampy, different kinda crampy, but still crampy...and that has me in the dumps! I'm not sure if I could endure another "Will this be your first?" or another negative pregnancy test. I have felt no symptoms this month. Problem is if I test too early it could show a false positive due to the HCG shot I had. Apparently a test can show positive for like 12 days or something, from the shot? Now that would be a cruel joke :( Maybe I might just test to see something positive in all of this, even if it is false.
Anyways, I am still hopeful, I probably sound a little negative but I think I'm just apprehensive is all. I think I will buy some tests, maybe I won't see the sweet check out lady :) I'll keep ya'll posted...I should know something this weekend!
As planned, I went in for my "follie" check this morning! I have TWO almost mature follies! Oh my! I honestly didn't think that would happen. I know...really silly. I mean, I knew there was a possibility of having multiple follicles due to the fertility meds. When I took my less stronger meds several months ago, I only had one mature follicle...so that's what I figured would happen again, but apparently with Clomid, higher chances of multiple follicles. This only means a higher chance of getting pregnant, my doctor assured me the chance for twins is low...but in the same breath said it's always possible with more than one follicle, takes my breath away! Hey, I'm just praying for one healthy swimmer to meet one healthy eggie and produce one healthy baby!! The awesomeness (not sure if that's a word, pretty sure it's not) of conception is still not lost on me...especially now, through our struggle! Is it not the most amazing thing God ever majestically designed?? WOW...
Something else Dr. H realized today is that I'm not "ready" for the IUI just yet. I was tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning, however the follicles are not quite mature yet. I can't quite remember the measurements, but I believe they were 15 and 17 and they should be like 19 or something? I was too busy being shocked at seeing two to focus on what he was saying! Sooo...I will take one more ovulation test tomorrow morning and if it's positive I will do the IUI on Sunday morning. If it's not positive I will have someone give me an HCG shot Saturday night and do the IUI Monday morning. That someone might just be Jeromy. I laughed when the nurse said Jeromy could give it to me...I replied "Um, yea, he probably won't do that!" Shortly after I left I called Jero to laugh with him at the possibility of him actually giving me a shot in my butt...and he replied "Sure, I can do that!" I said "Really, you could/would do that"? "Of course" he said. Sometimes I underestimate his wonderfulness (once again, not sure if it's a word)!! I love that boy!!
I'll keep everyone posted on how it all goes down this weekend :) Still asking for prayers please...
In the words of Chris Tomlin and Romans 8:31... "If our God is for us, than what can stand against?"
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| This is not Ashley, this is my friend Alison. That would be the beautiful bride in the background giving the peace sign! |
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So, of course I started my cycle right on cue this month :( But, I have my "back up plan", so I'm at ease...for now! I went in today for my "day 3" blood test to check my egg reserve, I should get the results tomorrow and I'm so anxious to hear them. I will update with a quick little post tomorrow with the results. I was told today that anything below a "10" is a good/positive result, so we'll see!
Dr. H had told me in my last appointment that he wanted to do an ultrasound just to see for himself what, if anything, was going on with my baby making stuff. Dr. J (my Ob-gyn) has already done three on me in the past few months and never said he saw anything of concern. So during my ultrasound today, Dr. H found two uterine fibroid cysts. He asked me if Dr. J had ever mentioned them before, and of course, he hadn't. Just a side note: I have been extremely disappointed with Dr. J in the past for things he disregarded as trivial, things he overlooked and inappropriate things he has said (not dirty inappropriate, just disrespectful and hurtful comments). Sooo, something else that I'm frustrated about is the fact that Dr. J didn't either notice or just didn't mention these. Side effects of having these cysts (not to be confused with ovarian cysts) is heavy, long and painful periods. I have spoken to Dr. J about this recent problem. I have never had heavy, long or painful periods as long as I can remember. However, basically just since we started TTC my cycles got this way. Dr. J said stuff like that just happens sometimes...maybe it could be cysts?? I'm not going to dwell on it, but this is something that could have easily been preventing us from becoming pregnant.
Dr. H still wants to proceed with the IUI because he doesn't feel that the cysts are big enough to interfere with the procedure. Furthermore, I'm game too because my body can put up all the road blocks it wants, but the Lord performs miracles everyday and I'm a believer!!!!
So, I start my meds on Wednesday thru Sunday. I go in next Friday for another ultrasound, and if that looks good we'll be doing the IUI on that Saturday or Sunday. Just wanted to give an update and we're asking humbly for your prayers. This is a NERVE racking journey full of a ton of fears, for me anyways. I'm off the charts with excitement about doing this and the potential AMAZING outcome of it...but the excitement, at this point, is still somewhat overshadowed with anxiety. Prayers for Jeromy's continued love and support to sustain us through this would be appreciated....as I know it can be frustrating for him to "deal" with me in all of this (I can be difficult, as hard as it is to believe that ;) )
Thank you in advance for the prayers, positive thoughts and support through this journey :) It means sooo much to us!!
It hasn't been an exact year that we've been trying, but I want to be aggressive...and, thankfully my Dr. (we'll call him Dr J) wants to too. I had to go in for some blood work a few weeks ago to check my prolactin, thyroid and cholesterol. Everything came back great, and he said my cholesterol was excellent (not that this has anything to do with making babies). As I grinned at him with a "Oh yea, I know, I eat pretty good, thanks" look...he immediately responded with "Now, you can't take credit for that, it's genetic", dang, thanks be to my parents I suppose ;)
Everything has always been so "normal" with me. I've been pretty blessed so far. I've had very easy and regular cycles for as long as I can remember, my blood work has always been above average levels. Somehow I get bonus points on my iron level...Dr J always tells me that I have some of the highest iron levels (I don't hardly ever eat red meat either, must be all the peanut butter, ha!). Ok, I'm getting off topic here, once again iron levels don't really have much to do with making babies! But, I know what DOES have to do with making babies.....the swimmers!!! That's half the battle right? It appears so far that I'm pretty normal, no known ovulation problems, regular cycles...so what about my darling husband? My darling husband that wasn't so, ahem, darling after being told the duty he would have to perform.
In all seriousness, he was a champ about it, not overly excited...but willing, and that's what is important! We're all adults here, so there is probably no need to explain the actual process of what took place. Let me just give you the deets. His results were FINE, he actually doubled the minimum standard that he needs to have. He's got the GOODS!
So, back to Dr J we go to see what to do next. We had options of course. There is a test called an HSG (big looong word I don't know how to spell, not gonna try). Basically, it's a procedure where they fill a woman's fallopian tubes with dye to ensure there is no blockage. Having a blockage is a possibility. It's not a comfortable procedure, during or after...but it would be worth it. There is a catch to this HSG, a good catch. First, to find a blockage, but second, a bonus because it can actually clear tubes of mucus allowing eggs to more easily flow through. Dr J tells me (and so did Dr Google-he's great too, but he will inevitably make you crazy) that a lot of women become pregnant shortly following HSG's....fabulous! A side note, HSG's are pricey and generally aren't covered by insurance.
Another option, fertility medicine...YUCK! Anything that is disruptive to female hormones is B-A-D, for her and all of those around her. Even though, as we THINK, I don't have an ovulation issue this medicine would stimulate the ovaries producing BIGGER and BETTER eggies....basically more of a "target" for the swimmers!! Back to the meds. Dr J tells me that they will cause hot flashes, mood swings (Dear Jeromy, I love you, The End), headaches and some other nasty side effects. But, just like the HSG, it would be worth it! Pricey meds too. I would take five pills on days 5-9 of my cycle. FIVE pills cost $90, a small break with insurance is $70, but wowzers still pricey!
With those two options, it's either do three months of meds to see if they work, and if not do the HSG. OR, we could first do the HSG first and then try meds. We decided, blindly really, but we did....
***As I said in my "About Me" caption...I have plenty to pray for and plenty to praise about. No surprise to those who know me, but I love to follow forums/blogs about anything and everything that's near to my heart. I, of course, have been blogging with other women in this same journey. There have been so many blessings (pregnancies) among these women lately, praise God. He is a great and merciful God. For those that are still seeking out His blessings to come, I pray for them. I pray that the Lord, in His timing, will fulfill their heart's desires.
***Some more praise...a girl I work with whom has been privately struggling with infertility for SIX years just found out she is pregnant!!! Girlfriend is a Christ follower and has done her best to put it in His hands, not saying she didn't want to give up (as I might after that long), but she is truly an inspiration. Love her. God is so good!!!
