Maybe it's called bargaining, I don't know, you tell me. Since I have been trying to conceive and have failed, I obviously view things a little different and have become a tad more opinionated. Being more opinionated has it's advantages and disadvantages. It can make you wiser or it can make you more bitter, unfortunately.
I now have opinions about almost everything to do with moms, babies, infertility, parenting and so forth. It seems like everyday I see mothers (and fathers) that mistreat their children, directly or indirectly. I feel that I am 10x more aware of this now that I'm infertile. I see parents yank their kids around, scream at their kids, spank their kids (short of beating them), feed their toddlers Mountain Dew (seriously??), resent their children and the list goes on. My first thought is always...I won't be that kind of parent! Then I begin to daydream about parenting my beautiful child. I will love on them beyond measure, I will feed them so well (organic, of course), I will certainly NOT feed them sugary drinks, I will put them in time-out for only the amount of minutes that equates to how old they are, I will teach them right and wrong, I will show them how to be givers, I will (most importantly) bring them up knowing the Lord...praying vigilantly, loving others and worshiping the Lord. I will, essentially, be the perfect parent...right?? Ha ;)
Sometimes, well a lot of times, my prayer begins like this "Lord, I promise I will raise our child up to live for YOU, to do your will, to be the best person they can be. Lord, I will do my very best, I have so much love to give, please please bless me with a child. And, Heavenly Father, why would you give children to people that can't care for them or just don't want them. I want a child so bad and I will do the right thing for YOU, I promise!!" That's bargaining, isn't it?? Yea, I thought so :(
As I have said before, my desire to have a child is so strong and failing at it is heartbreaking. I'm just being honest here, and hope that I don't offend anyone...anyone that feeds their toddler Mountain Dew, I apologize, sort of. I just hope that those mama's out there appreciate what they have and love on those babies...conception, truly, is a miracle.
3 Fabulous Comments:
I'm guilty of the same things. I try to remind myself that just like I can't imagine anyone understanding infertility that hasn't faced it, the same probably goes for parenthood.... even though I could TOTALLY do it better :)
Praying for ya, Amy!
Totally normal Amy!!
I've found that when I change my prayers to prayers of gratiude and thanks that he ends up answering my prayers of wants and needs. Try that...may be better than any science or medicine out there.
I am praying for you.
It is definitely hard watching parents who don't seem to appreciate as much as others be with their kids, when we are watching in the distance knowing we haven't accomplished that...YET! We WILL accomplish it one day!
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