Photo dump...Jaxon Dean

I'm terrible.  I get so frustrated with people that do not update their blogs after having baby, now I know why!  Life is hectic, it's busy.  Life for me, has been amazing with Jaxon...a love I never even knew existed, trite to say, but so true!!  I'm so in love.  Life in other areas has been hard, really really hard...I can't go into detail now or here, maybe one day I will.  I don't even have time for a birth story, other than to say it was HARD stuff!  He was born at 8:05pm on July 21st after days of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing...ROUGH!  I can't even put into words the pure JOY this little boy has brought into my life...he is my everything.  So, here are a bunch of pics...I'm gonna try and post them in age order.  Ok, well I was trying to go in age order, but I did it backwards and out of order and I really don't want to re-do it :)  So here's a few pics!  Hope all my sweet followers and friends are doing awesome!!  XOXO

Bumpin'

Of course I'm doing terrible at any type of update....shocking, I know!  I do hate when people don't follow up, especially after an infertility journey and they become pregnant.  So far my pregnancy has been going FANTASTIC...it's been a dream :)  Full of lots of kicks, hiccups and twirls letting me know he's definitely going to be a busy body!  We canNOT wait to meet this little guy!  I constantly pray for his health, well being, safety and a swift and easy labor for both of us.  I'm still the little worrier, not sure that will ever change.  I try not to get consumed with thoughts of labor and all the "what if's"....I'm replacing any of those worrisome thoughts with thoughts of an easy and quick labor and delivery!!  Positive affirmations, positive thoughts and lots of prayer :)  This is going to sound crazy, but if anyone watches the Kardashians...I remember seeing Kourtney birth both of her babies so easily and quickly and with so much joy....that's what I am envisioning!!  I'm trying to get those horrid thoughts of screaming, devilish mothers out of my mind LOL.  Anyhow, here are some bump pics!  I've been terrible at taking them, crazy for someone that dreamed of this for so long.

Here is my 5 month bump pic

Here I am at 6 1/2 months (took this yesterday)

In these pics I don't look too different, but trust me I def grew from 5 months to 6 1/2!  I'll be in my 3rd trimester in 2 weeks, eeek!!  In a way it's flying by, in a way it's not.  I'll be back for more updates....hopefully sooner than later!  I'm getting a 3D/4D u/s in a few weeks, so I will def post those :)

 XOXOXO

IT'S A.....

We found out a little early what we're having (17 weeks)!  We didn't try for over 3 years to wait another 3 weeks to find out, so we paid a little extra at a place that does early ultrasounds :)  We are having a BOY!! And, BOY, are we happy and IN LOVE!  Our u/s tech took some extra time with us and we got to watch this boy move all over the place (probably the loaded sugary lemonade that I drank helped with that), and yes I can feel him now, been able to for a week and it's the BEST feeling EVER!!.  He was flipping around like crazy and giving us money shots that were awesome, no doubt he's a boy!  I got several pics, but only have one on my computer...

Here is our sweet baby Jaxon Dean :)  My husband LOVESSS the name Jaxon, as do I, and Dean will be after my sweet Grandpa.  Hopefully you can make out what you're looking at, I learned not everyone can distinguish u/s pics like others can.  We have our OB gender scan in two weeks, where they will do all of the official measuring and whatnot...can't wait to see him again!!  Thank you, again, for all of the love and support of finally getting to this blessed place in our lives!!  We are so grateful and blessed with this sweet baby boy of ours :)

12 weeks!!!

Finally making it out of my first trimester...that's BIG stuff :)  Although, I know 14 weeks is technically the end...I'm sticking with 12, just because I can!  I'm feeling more relief now, however, I'd still like to hear the heartbeat again...like yesterday!!  Sometimes I still wonder if everything is going ok in there, but I'm just trusting in the Lord that it is!

Not much has been going on, just growing a little belly...you know, the one that you kinda just look chubby and not pregnant quite yet!  Nothing fits anymore and I wear leggings like every.single.day.  I'm a little too small to buy the full on maternity pants, but too big for my regular pants.  Here is a pic of my growing belly.  The left was taken the day I found I was pregnant (4 weeks), and the right was taken at 12 weeks (Wednesday)...

My last ultrasound was at 10 weeks, and our little guy looked more and more like a baby, so sweet!  Baby was growing 4 days ahead, which is better than behind...at least for my anxiety ;)  Here is the most recent ultrasound picture...

We are totally feeling boy, I will actually be shocked if it's a girl...I am that convinced!  We will, of course, take either as long as it's HEALTHY!!!  I really thought once I was pregnant I would blog much more often, and do all those fun "bumpdate" posts that people do on the regular.  I feel kind of withdrawn from blogging a bit, not sure why.  I will work on doing more posts, but as most mama's know esp at this stage, there isn't too much to talk about it.  This blog had become an exclusive infertility blog, I never really blogged about anything else...and I'm still at a loss as to what to write about besides baby, lol.  Speaking of infertility, I haven't really even talked about or acknowledged it since I became pregnant.  Well, let me be clear to anyone that is currently struggling or has struggled with IF...it STILL stings, it's mark will always and forever be ingrained in my mind and in my heart.  For the rest of this pregnancy I will probably continue to be apprehensive and nervous.  Something that is so wanted, so tried for, for so long will make you feel that way.  I was reminded this week of the awfulness of infertility when someone very close to me made a comment that took my breath away, in a hurtful way.  I know it wasn't intended the way it came out, but it hurt nonetheless and literally pulled every awful emotion of what we went through, to the surface.  I realized at that moment, that even though there is a baby inside me, some people will still see me as infertile and see that this baby was conceived in a non-traditional way...and they remember that, ouch.  Don't get me wrong, I fully embrace that we endured IVF...I just don't want anyone to view this baby differently because he/she wasn't conceived in our bedroom.  As frustrating and hurtful as the comment was, I love this person sooo much and I know it didn't come from a bad place...it was just a reminder of my IF.  

All is well with us, and my husband started a new job this week!!  Something that we honestly weren't even looking for or praying about, but WOW, what an opportunity that kinda fell in his lap.  We are both so incredibly excited about this great opportunity that couldn't have come at a better time!  The Lord has an amazing plan for each of us, even if we aren't out there seeking it.  He is so good and so full of blessings...we felt blessed before this baby, we felt blessed before this new job...but wow, we are so undeserving.  Last Sunday in church we went over this verse :For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11  

2nd Ultrasound (oh, my creative titles!)

Yay for a second ultrasound!  I feel privileged to have been able to see our baby two times already, that's what doing IVF will do for you :)  The week leading up to the second u/s was a little stressful because my expectations of pregnancy weren't fulfilled (ha).  Like right after the first u/s I was feeling a little queasy, extra tired and some other little symptoms.  However, a few days later (like a week before the second u/s) they stopped completely.  I got energy back, no more nausea, nothing!  I was worried all week.  I talked to moms about it and was reassured that everyone is different and that I was just fine.  I just hated having no symptoms.  YES, I actually want to be nauseous and tired...it helps me :)  Sooo, I got my wish!  The day before my second u/s I woke up with the worst nausea...and it stayed all day and all night and has pretty much been like that since...YAY!  The only problem now is I like to eat when I'm nauseous, wierd, I know....and I'm def eating and eating and eating some more.  I know most people, when nauseous, can't even look at food, yea I don't have that problem.  I have zero food aversions, my only problem is after I eat, sometimes I get even more nauseous...and if I get nauseous after I eat, I can't stand to look at that particular food again.  I don't really have any crazy cravings, just digging any type of salad and any and all chips...can't get enough chips and dip (not so healthy)!  Everything else has been going great.  Just trying to enjoy this pregnancy and push any apprehension and fears away, I'm such a worrier!

The ultrasound went really great!  Our little guy/gal more than doubled in size it seemed!  You could see little arms starting to form and it's sweet little head and body...we are in LOVE!  Heart rate was really up there at 184 bpm.  Of course I was questioning why so high.  I learned that between 8-10 weeks the babies HB is at it's highest, and then evens out around week 12.  Here's a pic of our sweet little babe :)

We were released from our RE's office and have an appointment next week with our OB, yay!!  Maybe he will do ANOTHER u/s, oh I hope!  It's starting to feel a bit more real now, still kinda surreal though.  Thank you for all of the beautiful comments/texts/messages...they warm my heart and soul, truly.  Here is a pic the secretary took of us to put on their website.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention some other things going on.  First, the shooting in CT.  I haven't stopped crying over those poor little babies.  I, as many others, can't even put into words how I feel about it.  I do feel like we live in a fallen world, and sin is greater now than ever.  All I can do is get on my knees and pray for this world, and for those families that can no longer hug their sweet babies. 

Today marks 10 years that my mom left this world and went to heaven.  It's still heartbreaking.  Especially now that I'm pregnant, and I know she would have loved this time.  I have so many amazing memories to carry me through though, and I know I will see her again...and let me tell you, I can not wait for that beautiful day :)  She was a beautiful woman inside and out and will always be remembered and loved so much!



First ultrasound

Once again, I'm sorry to be so late on the update!  I feel like I start all of my posts this way...I'm a terrible blogger! 

We finally had our ultrasound on Tuesday...that was the looongest wait ever!!  I was so incredibly nervous the night before, the morning of and all the waiting we did in the waiting room and then in the u/s room.  I was sick to my stomach.  I don't think I've ever been that nervous.  I was nervous about what we might see or what we might not see.  I have continued to pray that the Lord would give us whatever He saw fit, and whatever He thought I/we could handle.  Even though we willingly put two embryos in, we became very nervous about carrying and having twins.  I never once prayed for it to only be one...I couldn't fathom praying that other perfect, beautiful embryo away. 

As my husband, being the ever cool as a cucumber type guy he is, tried to carry on general conversation with me all morning...I kept snapping at him "STOP talking to me".  He's in the waiting room looking at a GQ magazine and talking about the coolest cuff links that are in style....WHAT??  I wasn't sure how he could even focus?!  After a good while, we finally get called back....only to sit in the u/s room for what seemed like an eternity.  My sweet dr came in and talked to us for a minute and then started with the u/s on the outside of my abdomen.  As soon as the screen popped up and I could see one sweet little sac, I just melted.  My nerves calmed immediately and I just smiled.  He couldn't see too much with that one, so it was time for the wand.  He first measured my ovaries and then squared in on the little babe :) The one little babe.  He did some measurements of my uterus, yolk sac and then the baby.  Everything was measuring exactly on track...what a relief!!  Then we were able to hear the heartbeat....wow, what a beautiful thing :))))  It was a perfect 140.  I couldn't have been more relieved or happier than that moment right there.

I've been doing nothing but thanking and praising God for this MIRACLE.  It most definitely has not sunk in yet.  Of course I'm still a bit on edge, just staying prayerful that our little babe stays put for a good while.  I know it's the infertile part of me that fears the worst, and also the worrier in me too :(  I know it's in God's hands, and all I can do is rest in that.  Our next ultrasound is Dec. 18th and I canNOT wait.  Some days I feel worse than others as far as symptoms go, but the days I feel better always scare me...so I look forward to anytime I can see our baby :)  

I will be back to update...hopefully sooner than later!!  Thank you guys soo much for the love :) xoxoxo

Beta #3

Just wanted to give a quick update on how my blood test went last Friday.  Surprisingly it came back so much higher than I ever expected at 6,617 (18dp5dt)!!  I was just praying for a number of about 3,000, so we were pleasantly surprised!!  Just another hurdle we have overcome and just another reason to praise God!!!!  We have our first ultrasound next Tuesday, Dec 4th...I'll definitely be back to update after the ultrasound :) Thank you for all of the congrats...just reading them is so surreal!!!

Beta #1 AND Beta #2

I'm so sorry to not have shared my first beta number and leave you guys hanging.  However, there was no way I could come on here and post my first beta right away, and heaven forbid my second beta wasn't good...I just couldn't emotionally do it.  So, I waited to hear back from my 2nd!  Now on to the news!!

Beta #1-182 (9dp5dt)

Beta #2-388 (11dp5dt)

Progesterone-107 (HOLY COW!)

We are pregnant!!!!!!!!  We couldn't be happier right now!  We are fully aware that we are still early, and we are certainly still proceeding with caution...but we are still celebrating!! Even after my first beta, I could barely get excited, but now I'm allowing myself to get a bit more relaxed and enthusiastic!

I actually tested 4dp5dt (wayyy early!) and got a faint positive.  I continued to test and they got darker and darker!  It's just a surreal thing to see that +, we haven't seen that in over 3 years of this crazy journey!  I'm still trying to figure out (ha) what is going on in "there"...I kinda feel like it could be twins, simply because I got a positive SO early, and I'm quite bloated to be so newly pregnant.  Beta numbers are really not a good indication of twins really, I have learned that.  My progesterone on the other hand, yikes!  I don't know much about progesterone levels, but in my little research, high levels of it can certainly be a good indication.  Who really knows though.  I will be so happy with whatever we are blessed with :)  We have one more blood draw next Friday and then an ultrasound in about two weeks.  My only symptoms so far are a pretty good bloat, a little extra tired, the boob thing, and super thirsty!  I'm not one to over think symptoms, I used to do that in the very beginning, but it drove me crazy and became quite silly....but I wanted to share because I know how I stalked pregnant people's blogs about their symptoms ;)

I asked my mother-in-law how you begin to thank God for this miracle going on inside my body??  I don't even know where to start?  It makes me cry just thinking about it!  Her answer was to share it with people, share that God is good and is full of blessings.  Well, my friends, God is GREAT...I've never doubted that in this journey, and heaven forbid anything happen...I will never retract that statement. I've heard this quote that God has three answers to prayers: YES, NO or NOT YET.  It's so true.  We give Him all the glory!!!!!!!!  And many, many thanks and gratitude to my supporters on here...it gave me the strength and endurance I needed in weak times.  Your prayers were heard, oh my, they were heard!!!

Transfer!!

I know...I'm a tad late!  I had my transfer Monday and everything went really well :)  My embryologist was ecstatic over how well my embryos were developing.  They transferred two...one was a 5AA and the other was a 4AA.  These are pretty much perfect blastocysts (from what she told me).  Of course I've googled the heck out of those grades for embryos and have read mostly amazing stuff...so here's hoping and praying!  They were able to freeze four embryos, which I'm totally happy with. 

Here we are with our little embryos.  Looks like there are 3 because one of them is already hatching out of it's shell...such an over achiever ;)  So now we just wait, and wait some more....the HARDEST part!  I'm just praying for enough strength for today and enough hope for tomorrow.  It's out of our hands and our destiny in this journey is best left in His hands.  Again, humbly asking for continued prayers as this is only half the journey!!  Thank you isn't even nearly enough....

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, Be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it will obey you" Luke 17:6

Another step closer!!

My egg retrieval went very well!  I really thought I would be super nervous, but with all the prayer warriors out there, the Lord gave me so much peace...glory be to Him!  All I keep telling people that ask is how very blessed I feel already.  I feel blessed for this opportunity, blessed for the peace that surpasses all understanding, blessed for all the great results I'm getting so far, blessed to have such an amazing husband and support system...I am one blessed chick no doubt!! 

We went down to Greenville Tuesday night and stayed in a hotel because Asheville was calling for some snow...and I did NOT want to chance that drive (plus we were able to sleep in a little more).  This is all based on numbers and the perfect timing...could NOT be late to this.  I was put under and everything went very smoothly.  I was told pretty soon after I woke up that they retrieved 21 eggs.  The next morning I got the call from the embryologist that of the 21, 10 had fertilized normally.  You are expected to lose a few along the way, I hope not to lose any more!  So, I'm happy with that.  My expectations have been low simply because of my low AMH levels...so I'm totally happy with what we have!  I thought I would get regular updates, but apparently only 2.  She will call me very early tomorrow morning with another update.  So far they think I will be a 5 day transfer (which is preferred), but I will know more tomorrow!  I will be back for an update tomorrow :)  I'm feeling the love, support and prayers....it's working ;)

Retrieval time

Once again, sorry for the lack of updates!  This will be kinda quick, and I will be back for more updates after retrieval.  I finally took my last shot yesterday, the trigger shot...woohoo!!  49-52-ish shots, whewww!  I go in for retrieval tomorrow morning bright and early.  So far my ultrasounds have shown really great progress, but it's hard to hold all your hope on a great ultrasound scan simply because it can change so drastically after retrieval.  My bloodwork has been a little scary!  For those that know about E2 levels and OHSS will understand when I say my E2 level yesterday was 6700!!  That is extremely high, and that was before I even triggered.  So, needless to say, I'm super scared about getting OHSS and I think my RE is too.  He put me on some meds to try and prevent it, but that's not a definite thing either.  OHSS is a problem when the ovaries are hyper stimulated, when your E2 levels are as high as mine, it's a good indication that they have been over stimulated.  Some people get it mildly, but some people can have it severe and end up in the hospital...so please please pray that I don't get it :(  I'm not concerned about possibly having to freeze all my eggs and trying to transfer at a later date, I'm more concerned about my overall well-being...it's scary!  Anywho, it is out of my control at this point, I just have to PRAY really hard that it stays AWAY!  Drinking all the gatorade I can stand at this point...and even more after retrieval.  I'll be back tomorrow or Thursday for a better update on how retrieval goes :)  Thank you again for all the sweet comments of support and love!!!!!!!

Shot time!!

When I say I'm a lazy blogger, I mean it!  I really thought I would be better, especially with this IVF stuff going on.  I don't think anyone is losing sleep over lack of posts, but I do know that some follow my blog and look for updates...and to you guys, I apologize! 

I finished the birth control pills, finally, and I am on my second day of shots...whoohoo!!  My protocol is that I do 2 shots of Lupron a day, 1 shot of Gonal-F and 1 shot of Menapur...4 shots total.  I should be on this protocol for about 10-12 days.  So I learned that the first shot is the hardest!!  Yesterday morning I woke up at 6:45 and laid there thinking about what I was about to do...finally got up a little while later and headed downstairs.  I pulled the vial out of the fridge, got the shot out, wiped a fat roll with some alcohol, grabbed said fat roll with needle in hand...and then froze!!  Got sweaty, my heart raced, my stomach was in knots and then I paced for a while and talked out loud to myself.  If anyone had been around to hear me...it was quite comical.  This is some of what I said OUT LOUD, a conversation between me and the needle: "I can't do this; who does this to themselves willingly; I have to wake Jero up, no I can't wake him up it's too early; I'm just gonna give up this whole cycle I can't do it"  So after all the pacing and talking to myself, I actually realized I hadn't even drawn up the medicine into the needle!!  Geeeze.  So, now I have the medicine in there and my hands are so sweaty I can't even hold the needle :(  Have I mentioned that my entire life I've always had a needle phobia??  So, now it's time to pump myself up, enough with the negative commentary!  Out loud once again: "You got this; lot's of people do this; you want a baby, this is worth it; it's only gonna sting for a second"..and then bam, I just went for it.  It.didn't.even.hurt!  I think I had my eyes closed because I looked down and kinda shocked myself that it was actually in there.  Simple, so far.  This one is a fairly small needle, tomorrow I start two more shots and one of them is a little bit bigger.  I just keep telling myself that it's just a temporary thing and it will, hopefully, all be worth it!! 

Here are my meds...quite overwhelming!  Maybe I should be thankful it's not more, I know some women have to do more than what I'm doing.  I go back next Tuesday to check on how the meds are working.  Hopefully looking at a retrieval date of late October, we'll see! 

Thank you so much, again and again, for all of the love and support :)  I'm blown away by the comments, messages, texts that we're getting right now...we feel the love and we certainly need the support and prayers!  We continue to meditate on His word right now, knowing and feeling that no matter what happens...we are wrapped up in his LOVE and GRACE.  We are doing what we feel is appropriate to do at this point, but we know that ultimately His plan prevails...and good or bad we will hold onto His promises for us everyday. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

And it begins...

I start my birth control tonight!  So crazy...this will all be over before I can blink an eye, and hopefully end in SUCCESS!  I'll be on the birth control until I start the stims on October 20th (ironically, our 5 year anniversary).  I'm starting to get excited and trying to focus on the positive.  Trying to rephrase the "if" I get pregnant statements to "when" I get pregnant.  I hold a LOT of hope in this IVF cycle, as I feel it's our last shot. 

I was actually super excited to write this post about starting the birth control, until I received a call about our meds.  It appears we can't catch a break financially. First, we applied to receive a discount on the IVF procedure and were told we would most likely get a minimum discount of $1500...we got $500, which we are grateful for, but it's change compared to a $10,000 procedure (not including the $5000 in meds).  So, I was holding out hope that we would receive some sort of break on the meds.  Why are these people so encouraging??  This lady tells me that most people get at least a $1000 off at minimum and a lot of people get $3000 off....um, we got completely declined :(  It's so frustrating that there is zero help for people struggling to conceive, and have to resort to drastic intervention.  I am grateful for some help that we have received from family, it's just still hard to have to drain our resources.  It will be worth it in the end WHEN I'm pregnant :)

What not to say...

I know there are lists a mile long on what not to say to an infertile woman.  I also know very well that people that haven't experienced the emotional storm of IF don't understand it, and aren't equipped with the right words or perfect answer.  I get that, and furthermore, had I not gone through this I'm sure that I would be THAT person that struggled to find the right thing to say!  As with anything in life, any struggle that someone else is experiencing is hard for someone else to grasp, fully. 

Some of the things I have heard since TTC have blown my mind, but once again, I have always tried to keep an open mind and NOT be offended.  Throughout these 3+ years things have bothered me on different levels at different times.  For the first 2 years anytime I heard a pregnancy announcement, I would get so upset, burst into tears at times, and just be down right BITTER.  The pregnancy announcements that my FB is inundated with no longer bother me.  I have found a different peace about that.  I just came to realize that I would never want anyone to experience the pain and longing that I have endured, not even my worst enemy.  I also remember feeling pretty bitter about some people getting pregnant, only for them to suffer a miscarriage...that was a really bad feeling!  I know people are going to continue to have babies upon babies while we sit on the sidelines watching it happen, that is a fact, and being bitter and angry were only holding ME hostage...nobody else. 

As we approach IVF, different comments seem to bother me now...and I just can't help it.  One thing that now frustrates me is the discussion of money.  After all is said and done, the cost of the IVF is $15,000.  We've already spent close to $8,000 (which, by the way, is a drop in the bucket for some IFers).  So, at the end of the day we will have spent over $20,000, baby OR no baby...this is not even a guarantee that we will have a baby.  Even if we do end up with a baby, which would be worth EVERY penny...let's face it, $20+K to get there is pretty much devastating financially.  I have been pretty open about our IF journey, to family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers...that's just who I am.  People will ask me how much IVF is, and some people are just shocked, while others say "Oh that's not bad" or "You can afford it" or "You're in a great position to be able to do this" or "That's not bad, at least you'll have a baby" or "Oh girl, our out of pocket at the hospital when we delivered was $1200.00" (really?????).  Ok, so those aren't all bad comments...they are more "look on the bright side of things" comments.  They are the BE POSITIVE comments.  I get it, I really do.  But, can I be really honest?  It would be so nice for someone to say "Wow Amy, that has to be really hard, I can't imagine" or "That just plain SUCKS"!!  I know the natural route for someone is to be positive, and that's really great...but just from the heart of someone going through it, it's nice to hear "This must suck, but I'm here if you ever want to vent".  It IS difficult for us to fund this IVF.  Yes, we can afford another monthly payment for the next four years, plus $5,000 cash out of pocket for meds (thanks be to God)...but it hurts, bad.  Isn't just having a baby expensive??  I mean, that's what I've heard my whole life.  Starting out with a loan payment, plus nearly all our savings gone is going to be tough....and that's the truth, that's what hurts. 

If you know someone going through IVF or any other fertility treatments...my best advice is to just console.  Be there, be present, listen a little more than you talk.  There is certainly NO perfect answer.  It reminds me of when my mom died at 50 years old of cancer.  The single most devastating thing to happen to me at 24 years old.  What does someone say?  I'm still the same person today as I was then...I wanted someone to say "Amy, this sucks, moms aren't supposed to die so young, this isn't fair".  What I heard was "She's in a better place" or "You'll be ok".  And...this is OK, don't get me wrong...nobody knew exactly what to say.  What I have learned is that people want reassurance to feel bad about situations.  It's OK to have a pity party...just don't stay there too long.  The idea that everything is on the UP and UP all the time puts a lot of pressure on someone.  There are so many times I just want to break down b/c of the anxiety, stress and just pure heartbreak of IF...but I feel the pressure to be positive all.the.time.  I feel like if I actually voice my fears out loud that someone will just come along and say "See the bright side, Amy"...when I all want is a hug and someone to say "Let it out, I'm here". 



I'm terrible with titles, so there isn't one!

I always, without a doubt, feel convicted when I post stuff that points to the fact that my faith is not unshakable.  I know it's just human for me to feel fearful and stressed, especially under such circumstances.  However, not to my surprise, shortly after I drown in my sorrows I am brought back to reality. Reality like young people having to endure lung transplants due to cystic fibrosis, mothers losing children, children losing parents...I have read or seen things like this since my last post.  It's heartbreaking and of course, brings about an awareness of how incredibly, so incredibly blessed I truly am.  I know we all have different journeys and it's ok for me to feel glum.  However, what I want more than anything is for anyone that's reading this blog to know that no matter what, God has a perfect plan for your life.  It may not be perfectly presented the way we intended it to be, but the plan He has for us is only intended to bring Him greater glory.  I guess what is crucially important to me is to ensure that people that read my blog and see scripture posted around it, and read my professions of faith, grace and all that God has provided and blessed me with...I hope they aren't confused or want to question my true faith.  Does that make any sense?  I get beat down just like anyone else.  This battle calls me to question my body, my womanliness, my strength, my courage, my reproductive organs...just the ability to do one simple (or not, in my case) task that my body was designed for.  This battle does NOT have me wavering in my faith. If we are not to have our own biological child, then I know I did what I could do and we have to move on.  The Lord has a very unique, special and perfect agenda for us...we just have to remain patient and pursuant of His will.   

As far as the plan for IVF goes, we did decide to wait one month!  We are very glad we did.  It will give us more time to save money (mucho important), do some more acupuncture and just chill a little.  The schedule now looks like I will be starting birth control around September 17ish, start stims on October 20th and do a retrieval around the beginning of November...all tentative, but roughly around these times.  I had my saline ultrasound yesterday, not the most pleasant experience but I survived.  Everything looked really good, which was a relief because you just never know what is going on in there!  One thing that made me feel a little better was my resting follicle count.  Just a disclaimer before I move on...anyone that has not struggled with infertility or not done any treatments (also friends and family reading) will not understand any of the terms or what their significance is...so feel free to skim if you want, kinda boring stuff for the average person ;)  Anyhow, my resting follicle count was 12...7 on the right and 5 on the left.  It's not super duper, but for my AMH to be so low, I thought 12 was a good number!  Usually someone with my AMH level would have like 4-7 resting follicles.  So now I just wait and hope I get pregnant naturally this month...now THAT would be a MIRACLE and a money saver right there!!  I will, of course, be back for more updates once we get a little closer :)  Thank you again for all the support and love...means so so much!!

A little stressed

Not much is going on in the world of IVF, yet.  I don't have too much to write about, minus all my fears about doing it that seem to creep in ever so slowly.  Next week I'm supposed to be going in for the saline ultrasound and start the birth control at that time.  I started acupuncture last week, which I dreaded, but it ended up being just fine...it wasn't bad at all.  I have had thoughts of postponing the IVF a month to help give the acupuncture a chance to enhance whatever it's supposed to enhance!  I need to decide this like yesterday and I don't know what to do.  Not that a month will even make that big of a difference, but I'm sure it will help.  One thing we don't have on our side, since my reproductive system is janky, is TIME. We haven't even started this process and I'm already, I hate to say it, stressed! A baby has eluded us for over 3 years, so it's hard to believe that's it's even attainable. Fear and doubt have crept in...I definitely haven't missed them!! One minute I'm praying over all of my worries to the Lord, feeling His peace and reassurance. Peace, knowing that no matter what He is in control. Baby or no baby at the end of this He will show us incredible grace, and carry us through. Buuut, the next minute I'm completely overwhelmed with decisions, concerns, control, money, meds, work, my sanity, my body, my husband...all stemming from my infertility and this upcoming IVF. I sooo want to be that devout and faithful christian. This is a battle that compares to no other...it's twisted. I don't want to sound too Debby Downer! We are very excited, just overwhelmed and super nervous. Once we get this ball rolling, I will be posting a lot more with all the fun details! Humbly, we ask for your prayers :) I know there are some amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we are ridiculously grateful for you!!



Good to be back :)

It's been a while!!  A long while.  So long that my blogger looks different, I didn't even know where to start a post.  My playlist is down now for some crazy reason.  It's probably time for me to give my blog a face lift!  I haven't visited blogs in so long, I've popped in here and there, but haven't commented...I'm terrible!  I'm sure most of my blogger friends have long forgotten me, but even more, they've all (but one) gotten pregnant...which is just ahhhmazing!  I've been absent mostly in an effort to keep my mind off of my IF...and it worked!  For the past year-ish, we haven't done much of anything in the way of IF treatments or even stressing about ovulation days...it has been so nice, a much needed break!!  Jeromy and I have both benefited from that break in so many ways!  But now, we are moving on to IVF...which is something I've said before we were very unlikely to do.

I've debated on when I wanted to start this post.  I wasn't sure if I should start it once I took that first birth control pill or now.  Right now, we are just in the beginning stages of setting it up.  We are so excited and completely nervous about this!  We have had our initial consultation with another RE, not our original one.  We are currently working on the financial part, which is ridiculously stressful :(  I think it's just terrible that insurance will not cover any part of IF treatments.  This isn't a news flash to me, but when you're talking about a $15,000 procedure it makes you a tad frustrated!  We are going to finance most of it, and we have amazing family that is going to help out some too...grateful doesn't even come close to how we feel about that! 

So far I have done a multitude of blood tests.  Here is my biggest concern and what I got blindsided with.  I've done four IUI's and my previous RE never even mentioned it.  Apparently there is a test that checks your AMH levels.  It's basically a hormone that indicates how well your ovaries function and the quality of your eggs.  My AMH levels are very low, indicating that I have poor egg quality...this has been devastating news to me.  My low levels probably have something to do with the fact that I started my cycle at 8 years old, hence I've had them for 26 years now...my ovaries are TIRED!!  My FSH levels (levels indicating my ovarian reserve, quantity) are good/decent...so that's good.  It's better to not have both AMH and FSH be bad...obviously.  However, I've pretty much become obsessed with Dr. Google :(  I feel like I did 2 years ago at the beginning of the IUI process...and it's wearing me OUT!  What I have read is a mix of both good news and bad news in regards to the AMH.  I could sit here and type everything that Dr. Google had to say, but basically having poor egg quality is bad.  As most people know, when you do IVF, you can produce a ton of eggs but only a handful are good "quality", and with low AMH, it's kinda cut in half.  But, as with anything, there are always success stories out there...and this is what I have to focus on!!  When the nurse told me about the AMH, I just wanted to end the process right there, but I can't do that because I will never know what could have been!  It makes my stomach hurt to think we would do all of this and end up with no baby, I'm not sure I could even look at my husband if that happened.  I know we only have one shot at this.  I don't want to sound negative, I wanted to express my fears right up front...moving on, I'm going to be more positive.  This is my place to be real though, and I'm so thankful I have it.

Our next step is to have a saline ultrasound in about 3 weeks to have a really good look at my uterus to ensure I don't have any polyps or that my fibroids haven't grown.  I will start birth control, to suppress my ovaries, at that time.  I'm tentatively on the schedule to start the stimulants (SCARED, don't get me started on that) around September 18th with a egg retrieval date of approximately the first few days of October.  So, I will be posting here with all the updates :)

In my intro packet from the RE's office, there was a handout on IF stress and how to manage it.  It said that women going through IF treatments (mainly IVF) are potentially under just as much emotional, physical and financial stress as a woman going through a life threatening illness.  I think I've said this on here before.  I don't want to minimize any life threatening illness by any means, but the comparison is shocking.  There are a few verses that I've been reciting to myself to help ease the anxieties and worries of this process.  But there is one that I am claiming over this...

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

Blogger, uggghh

Apparently blogger is up to its shenanigans again! I've gotten a few, melt.my.heart.oh.my.goodness.so.sweet emails letting me know that you couldn't post on here. I understand the frustration and thank you for your sweet thoughts and prayers...I'll be emailing you back, now :) I'm gonna try and fix the problem, not sure if I can??

Catching up...

Finally, time to update my blog a little! I guess since my last post (not my very last, but the last post I actually blogged about life) we've had a few changes. I started a new job, which has been an absolute blessing. I basically do the same work, just a different setting, with a much more positive environment. My last job sucked me DRY of everything. I work with my sister's best friend, and it's a JOY!! That same post I also talked about changes for Jeromy. I couldn't really say much, and it's not a huge big deal, but he changed jobs too, which has been great for him as well. His old job was slowing down quite a bit, that type of business he was in has taken a hit with the economy. His new job will always thrive, so we are praying that this door that has been opened will be a good one for our future.

As far as the land that we put an offer in on, well that was a flop!  We, as well as my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, put an offer in and both received ahhhmazing deals on the land...now we see why.  Their land did not perk, and ours only perked for a 2 bedroom.  It was so perfect too, but it fell through, and clearly it was for a reason.  So, with his new job now, we are going to wait a year and begin the process again. 

Onto the TTC woes.  I am going to be realllly careful and try and choose my words very wisely with this.  I go through funks...really sad, angry, bitter, painful funks.  I try and smile through it, and remain positive and faithful to the process...but the process takes it's toll sometimes.  There are two things that are more painful than anything else in this "journey"... 1) the enormous guilt that I have regarding what I can't provide for my wonderful husband 2) watching others successfully conceive easily and having to watch it all over social media (totally my choice, I know).  The second one was a bit harsh, I know, I apologize...kinda.  I don't even get on FB much anymore for that very reason.  I am happy for people, I'm not a totally hateful, bitter person...it just stings, badly.

I'm an emotional person, but I've never been a big cryer.  Not the case anymore.  I've never been able to cry at the site or sound of something.  Not the case anymore.  I will hear of someone I know being pregnant, and burst into tears.  Honestly, it's awful, I hate it and I don't wanna be like that...but that's where I am at today.  I swear like a month ago I was content with the idea of not being able to have a child.  I knew that no matter what it was God's plan, and His plan is the ultimate plan.  And maybe He sees it fit for us to not have a child.  And if that's the case, I have to accept His plan...and I will, but I guess my new question is "how"?  I feel like my husband and I are so full of love and all this good stuff to give, to pass on...who will we pass it on to, to be able to call our own and say we created this?  That is the void that terrifies me.

As I have said on here numerous times, I pray for all my IF friends, truly I do.  Answered prayers are abound right now, so many people are receiving their much deserved blessings!!  So awesome!!  For that I am grateful and whole heartedly happy.  My blog roll was full of IF friends, I now have only TWO that aren't pregnant yet, woohoo!  I will say that, unfortunately, SOME of my bloggy friends who have gotten pregnant don't come here anymore :(  They don't comment or share anymore...and that's ok, I see where we are in different places now?  But, I dearly love the ones that have stuck with me (Stephanie).  Please forgive me if I sound really depressing...it's that roller coaster thingy.  I hate being negative, I really do...it's just a funky time right now.

 

Guest Blogger!

I've hit it big time now y'all, I was asked to post as a guest blogger on one of my sweet friend's blogs!  Alisha, from Peace and Penguins, asked me to guest post and I was more than honored to do so.  I love Alisha's blog, please go check it out and you will see why.  A beautiful girl, with a beautiful heart, with a beautiful blog...nuf'said!

Soo, you would think I was asked to post about none other than infertility...not the case!  Something I don't talk much about on here (and I think I've said that before) is the dreaded topic of anxiety, ugghhh!  I don't like to focus on it here on my blog, and I really don't know why I don't talk about it much.  I most certainly think that I manage it well most of the time (and you can see how if you go read my post on Alisha's blog), so that's why I don't make it much of an issue here.  But I definitely have my struggles with it, and I really think it helps others when people can be transparent about what afflictions they have.  I follow several blogs with some amazing writers who garner 200+ comments in one blog post.  They have the most beautiful families, gorgeous children, the "perfect" husband, and that perfect job...a stay at home mom (I want that job so badly...I keep applying, but at this time they just aren't hiring).  Then one day you're reading about their seemingly "perfect" life, and then they reveal that they have fears and anxieties of their own that can be so overwhelming.  It's that moment when you realize you are not alone, nobody is perfect and it is going to be OK :)  This is what is so beautiful about the blogging world.  I'm so grateful to have this little space here (even if I don't keep up with it very well) to connect with and support others that are right where you are!!  Thank you to Alisha for even thinking of me, and I'm so glad I could be a part of this topic...I hope you enjoy it, and my prayer is that it reaches someone in need, and they know there is peace to be found in the valley...



***I really just realized I haven't updated my blog about all the changes we were going through...I will be back to do that soon.  If you're even following me anymore, I'll be back ;)