On a superficial note...

I'm over the initial shock of the failed IUI.  A TTC friend of mine told me her first failed IUI was a shocker too.  I guess that it's just you figure after trying naturally, surely a procedure like this would work...and when it doesn't, it's just a shock to the system.  I've been, coincidentally, seeing and hearing so much in God's word about waiting on Him and being patient.  This is the resolve and truth that I remind myself of daily!  I really don't want to miss out on the Lord's blessings due to focusing on my own desires and my own needs ahead of His plans for me!!

One of my biggest fears is gaining weight.  I KNOW how horrible and SUPERficial that sounds!  I have already come to the realization that I will inevitably gain weight when I get pregnant...fine by me, it would soo be worth it!  What I haven't expected was gaining weight due to the stress of TTC AND the fertility meds :( 

On my honeymoon (three years ago), I weighed 109 lbs!  See above picture...and, I thought I was fat at the time...me=crazy!!  So, now I weigh 124 lbs, give or take a pound or two...on a good day I weigh 121.  I am not even five feet tall, I'm about 4'11".  I know that naturally I've gained a little weight from settling into marriage, but I also know that the TTC junk has a lot to do with the most recent weight gain.

This picture is just a couple months ago...my stomach has taken on a whole new shape (my friend next to me has two kids, she looks great)!!  Be glad you can't see the rest of my body.  Once again, I know this is shallow and I'll probably look back on THIS pic and think I was soo skinny.  It's all relative though, and this is yuck to ME.  I just feel uncomfortable and not cute lately.  I have heard on other blogs and read that fertility meds, particularly Clomid, can cause roughly five to ten pounds of weight gain per cycle!!  The kicker is that I hate working out.  I'm not good at it, the minute I break a sweat I think it's absolutely time to cool down! 

What to do??  Who knows.  I'm not doing any meds this cycle, and due to a baseball trip for Jero in November, I won't be doing one next month.  But...then here comes the holidays...uggghh!  I don't really eat that bad at all.  I think I just need to eat even better and maybe push it a little harder at the gym...cause who the heck wants to gain weight BEFORE they get pregnant???

Support

I received an email the other day from a friend of mine that shares other struggles with me.  I feel so compelled to share this email on my blog.  It was so beautifully written and I asked her if I could share it here.  When she responded to me she said that she felt her words came from the Lord, that she prayed for the right things to say to me.  I hope in sharing this email, it will bring others comfort, as it did me.

Hey Amy. I read your blog post on Sunday night. I just wanted to say that I admire your courage in sharing your struggles. Transparency in your struggles is a gift you give your close family and friends. I think so many relationships are lacking because people are afraid to share their hurt and heartache. God is glorified on such a magnificent level through our suffering. When we suffer and proclaim that God is enough!!! That takes strength and courage and such a deep faith. Its easy to share the good times with people but I don't think (I could be wrong here)it makes as deep an impact on the hearts of others. This is a heartbreaking journey. It can crush you and cause you to lose faith, but Our Heavenly Father IS sovereign over your life. I think when we cry out in pain to HIM he will wrap His arms around you and comfort you in a way that no person can. Be angry, sad and frustrated. He knows your heart and loves you no matter what.



“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” 1 Peter 5:10


Praying for you!


Ashley

Stork on Strike...

Apparently my Stork is on strike.  Unfortunately the IUI did not work.  Heartbroken doesn't even describe it.  A lot of emotions balled up into a hot mess ----> ME!  I'm upset with myself for several things.  I'm such an open person, to a fault.  I let everyone in on everything, all the time.  I'm not a very private person, never have been.  I shared this experience with a lot of people, a lot of family and friends and I feel so foolish for doing that.  It's not anyone's fault but my own.  They have been amazingly supportive and encouraging through this.  However, the sadness and frustration is not only a part of Jeromy and I and hard on us, it's hard on them.  They don't want to see me hurt, then I hurt because they are hurt for me.  It's one thing for Jeromy and I to be let down, but to share that with so many people has become very hard.  I realize now, finally, that it should be a little more of a private journey for us.  I guess I never could foresee this aspect of sharing it with everyone.  I realized this when, on Friday, my sister-in-law (who is amazing) asked me how I was "feeling" (meaning if I felt pregnant) and by this time I already knew I was not and she was probably the 10th person to ask me...I looked at her and said "No I don't feel anything and I don't want to talk about it anymore" and just started crying and had to leave the room.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, I can't do it anymore, it's too much to bear to bring my family and friends in on something that is so sensitive to all of us, not just me.

I'm also upset with myself for the feelings of bitterness, jealousy and judgement that I'm experiencing at this moment.  Through this journey I've had a few "punches in the gut"...or maybe it's just little pity parties!  I see pregnant women everywhere, I see newborns everywhere and it is really depressing.  I attend a (mega) church where there are roughly 5-6 thousand members and TODAY a cute little couple with a brand new baby sit right in front of me...WHY??  Working on a better attitude...

We are going to take a break now.  As hard as this has been on our marriage, I realize now more than ever what an amazing husband I have.  What a rock he is, what an encourager!  Thank God he takes things in stride, because lately I just can't.  My prayer is that he will always lead us with strong hands.  We're in it together, forever.  As if right out of the movie "Steel Magnolias", Jeromy just says "We'll adopt if we have to".  I love him.

As far as blogging, as you can see I blog about nothing else but trying to have a baby.  First, my life isn't that interesting.  Second, really it's all that I can think about and it's sooo therapeutic to blog about it.  That's where I'm torn because it truly helps me to blog and I can keep up with my TTC friends too.  I will keep my blog updated as far as I feel comfortable doing.  We are trying to build a house right now, so I will definitely blog about that once it gets started as well...that is VERY exciting!!

As I have mentioned on my blog before, I have always and will always pray for women that are in the same struggle as I am in.  I read countless blogs of women that have continued to try for years, only to fail time and time again.  Thousands of money spent on IUI's and IVF's with the highest of hopes and the most faithful hearts only to be broken.  One blogger spoke of hearing about a woman battling cancer AND infertility, she described her struggle with infertility being as difficult as her battle with cancer!!  I can't even speak on that, but that is powerful.  One thing I have learned and have been humbled by is that everyone struggles with something...it's a basic piece of wisdom, but it's always good to remember.  I will keep praying for YOU!

I love the little reminders that seem to pop up "mysteriously" in my time of hurt.  In college I had the most amazing group of girlfriends.  There were six of us and we called ourselves the "Sexy Six Pack"...that is the funniest thing ever!  We thought we were too cool for a sorority (we were), so we appropriately gave ourselves that name.  Anyways, yesterday I came across this box of old college pics and notes.  One year we decided to sit down and pass around paper and write something that we love about each other.  My beautiful friend Erin wrote "I love the way your face lights up when you are around children, you'll be an awesome mom one day"!  It was what I needed to hear right at that moment...it didn't bother me or make me wanna burst into tears, it made me smile, it was perfect!  I came across that note for a reason, He works in mysterious ways.

This is the prayer I put on my first post regarding TTC, it just needed re-posting....



Heavenly Father, thank you for all the blessings in my life, they are countless.

All of my life I have dreamt of being a mother,
of raising children with loving hearts,
to do your will on this earth.


Teach me how to patiently wait on you father,
Strengthen me to never grow weary.
I know that through you all things are possible.




Amen

To test?

The joys of trying to conceive have become few and far between.  It's more like the stress of TTC, or the anxiety of TTC or the frustration of TTC.  However, I can find a little humor in it still.  I was reminded of this humor stumbling upon one of my TTC friend's blogs today.  A while back (maybe when I had more humor about the TTC journey) I posted a list of one liners "You Know You're TTC When:"  It really is soo funny and sooo darn true, almost depressingly true! 

I would say for at least the first nine months of trying, I was a home pregnancy tester FREAK (a serial POAS'er in TTC terms)!  I should most definitely have stock in these.  I've bought the cheap, the expensive and everything in between.  At five days out of getting my period I would start testing!  However, after sooo many negatives it did start to become too emotional and expensive, so I stopped.  I always buy them at the same place, Walgreens...it's convenient, it's on my way home from work.  Whenever I go check out, I always get the same cashier.  It's an older sweet lady.  She never misses a beat.  Every single time I check out she says "Awww, will this be your first?"  I just look at her and say "Yes, God willing".  She replies "Ooooh I bet you'll be a great mother, I hope you're pregnant".  Inevitably I go back in a few days after buying the HPT's and buy stupid tampons! 

So, I am itching to go to Walgreens after work today.  I am less than five days away from getting my period OR NOT getting it.  I keep wavering.  I'm a little crampy, different kinda crampy, but still crampy...and that has me in the dumps!  I'm not sure if I could endure another "Will this be your first?" or another negative pregnancy test.  I have felt no symptoms this month.  Problem is if I test too early it could show a false positive due to the HCG shot I had.  Apparently a test can show positive for like 12 days or something, from the shot?  Now that would be a cruel joke :(  Maybe I might just test to see something positive in all of this, even if it is false. 

Anyways, I am still hopeful, I probably sound a little negative but I think I'm just apprehensive is all.  I think I will buy some tests, maybe I won't see the sweet check out lady :)  I'll keep ya'll posted...I should know something this weekend!