What not to say...

I know there are lists a mile long on what not to say to an infertile woman.  I also know very well that people that haven't experienced the emotional storm of IF don't understand it, and aren't equipped with the right words or perfect answer.  I get that, and furthermore, had I not gone through this I'm sure that I would be THAT person that struggled to find the right thing to say!  As with anything in life, any struggle that someone else is experiencing is hard for someone else to grasp, fully. 

Some of the things I have heard since TTC have blown my mind, but once again, I have always tried to keep an open mind and NOT be offended.  Throughout these 3+ years things have bothered me on different levels at different times.  For the first 2 years anytime I heard a pregnancy announcement, I would get so upset, burst into tears at times, and just be down right BITTER.  The pregnancy announcements that my FB is inundated with no longer bother me.  I have found a different peace about that.  I just came to realize that I would never want anyone to experience the pain and longing that I have endured, not even my worst enemy.  I also remember feeling pretty bitter about some people getting pregnant, only for them to suffer a miscarriage...that was a really bad feeling!  I know people are going to continue to have babies upon babies while we sit on the sidelines watching it happen, that is a fact, and being bitter and angry were only holding ME hostage...nobody else. 

As we approach IVF, different comments seem to bother me now...and I just can't help it.  One thing that now frustrates me is the discussion of money.  After all is said and done, the cost of the IVF is $15,000.  We've already spent close to $8,000 (which, by the way, is a drop in the bucket for some IFers).  So, at the end of the day we will have spent over $20,000, baby OR no baby...this is not even a guarantee that we will have a baby.  Even if we do end up with a baby, which would be worth EVERY penny...let's face it, $20+K to get there is pretty much devastating financially.  I have been pretty open about our IF journey, to family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers...that's just who I am.  People will ask me how much IVF is, and some people are just shocked, while others say "Oh that's not bad" or "You can afford it" or "You're in a great position to be able to do this" or "That's not bad, at least you'll have a baby" or "Oh girl, our out of pocket at the hospital when we delivered was $1200.00" (really?????).  Ok, so those aren't all bad comments...they are more "look on the bright side of things" comments.  They are the BE POSITIVE comments.  I get it, I really do.  But, can I be really honest?  It would be so nice for someone to say "Wow Amy, that has to be really hard, I can't imagine" or "That just plain SUCKS"!!  I know the natural route for someone is to be positive, and that's really great...but just from the heart of someone going through it, it's nice to hear "This must suck, but I'm here if you ever want to vent".  It IS difficult for us to fund this IVF.  Yes, we can afford another monthly payment for the next four years, plus $5,000 cash out of pocket for meds (thanks be to God)...but it hurts, bad.  Isn't just having a baby expensive??  I mean, that's what I've heard my whole life.  Starting out with a loan payment, plus nearly all our savings gone is going to be tough....and that's the truth, that's what hurts. 

If you know someone going through IVF or any other fertility treatments...my best advice is to just console.  Be there, be present, listen a little more than you talk.  There is certainly NO perfect answer.  It reminds me of when my mom died at 50 years old of cancer.  The single most devastating thing to happen to me at 24 years old.  What does someone say?  I'm still the same person today as I was then...I wanted someone to say "Amy, this sucks, moms aren't supposed to die so young, this isn't fair".  What I heard was "She's in a better place" or "You'll be ok".  And...this is OK, don't get me wrong...nobody knew exactly what to say.  What I have learned is that people want reassurance to feel bad about situations.  It's OK to have a pity party...just don't stay there too long.  The idea that everything is on the UP and UP all the time puts a lot of pressure on someone.  There are so many times I just want to break down b/c of the anxiety, stress and just pure heartbreak of IF...but I feel the pressure to be positive all.the.time.  I feel like if I actually voice my fears out loud that someone will just come along and say "See the bright side, Amy"...when I all want is a hug and someone to say "Let it out, I'm here".