12 weeks!!!

Finally making it out of my first trimester...that's BIG stuff :)  Although, I know 14 weeks is technically the end...I'm sticking with 12, just because I can!  I'm feeling more relief now, however, I'd still like to hear the heartbeat again...like yesterday!!  Sometimes I still wonder if everything is going ok in there, but I'm just trusting in the Lord that it is!

Not much has been going on, just growing a little belly...you know, the one that you kinda just look chubby and not pregnant quite yet!  Nothing fits anymore and I wear leggings like every.single.day.  I'm a little too small to buy the full on maternity pants, but too big for my regular pants.  Here is a pic of my growing belly.  The left was taken the day I found I was pregnant (4 weeks), and the right was taken at 12 weeks (Wednesday)...

My last ultrasound was at 10 weeks, and our little guy looked more and more like a baby, so sweet!  Baby was growing 4 days ahead, which is better than behind...at least for my anxiety ;)  Here is the most recent ultrasound picture...

We are totally feeling boy, I will actually be shocked if it's a girl...I am that convinced!  We will, of course, take either as long as it's HEALTHY!!!  I really thought once I was pregnant I would blog much more often, and do all those fun "bumpdate" posts that people do on the regular.  I feel kind of withdrawn from blogging a bit, not sure why.  I will work on doing more posts, but as most mama's know esp at this stage, there isn't too much to talk about it.  This blog had become an exclusive infertility blog, I never really blogged about anything else...and I'm still at a loss as to what to write about besides baby, lol.  Speaking of infertility, I haven't really even talked about or acknowledged it since I became pregnant.  Well, let me be clear to anyone that is currently struggling or has struggled with IF...it STILL stings, it's mark will always and forever be ingrained in my mind and in my heart.  For the rest of this pregnancy I will probably continue to be apprehensive and nervous.  Something that is so wanted, so tried for, for so long will make you feel that way.  I was reminded this week of the awfulness of infertility when someone very close to me made a comment that took my breath away, in a hurtful way.  I know it wasn't intended the way it came out, but it hurt nonetheless and literally pulled every awful emotion of what we went through, to the surface.  I realized at that moment, that even though there is a baby inside me, some people will still see me as infertile and see that this baby was conceived in a non-traditional way...and they remember that, ouch.  Don't get me wrong, I fully embrace that we endured IVF...I just don't want anyone to view this baby differently because he/she wasn't conceived in our bedroom.  As frustrating and hurtful as the comment was, I love this person sooo much and I know it didn't come from a bad place...it was just a reminder of my IF.  

All is well with us, and my husband started a new job this week!!  Something that we honestly weren't even looking for or praying about, but WOW, what an opportunity that kinda fell in his lap.  We are both so incredibly excited about this great opportunity that couldn't have come at a better time!  The Lord has an amazing plan for each of us, even if we aren't out there seeking it.  He is so good and so full of blessings...we felt blessed before this baby, we felt blessed before this new job...but wow, we are so undeserving.  Last Sunday in church we went over this verse :For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11  

2nd Ultrasound (oh, my creative titles!)

Yay for a second ultrasound!  I feel privileged to have been able to see our baby two times already, that's what doing IVF will do for you :)  The week leading up to the second u/s was a little stressful because my expectations of pregnancy weren't fulfilled (ha).  Like right after the first u/s I was feeling a little queasy, extra tired and some other little symptoms.  However, a few days later (like a week before the second u/s) they stopped completely.  I got energy back, no more nausea, nothing!  I was worried all week.  I talked to moms about it and was reassured that everyone is different and that I was just fine.  I just hated having no symptoms.  YES, I actually want to be nauseous and tired...it helps me :)  Sooo, I got my wish!  The day before my second u/s I woke up with the worst nausea...and it stayed all day and all night and has pretty much been like that since...YAY!  The only problem now is I like to eat when I'm nauseous, wierd, I know....and I'm def eating and eating and eating some more.  I know most people, when nauseous, can't even look at food, yea I don't have that problem.  I have zero food aversions, my only problem is after I eat, sometimes I get even more nauseous...and if I get nauseous after I eat, I can't stand to look at that particular food again.  I don't really have any crazy cravings, just digging any type of salad and any and all chips...can't get enough chips and dip (not so healthy)!  Everything else has been going great.  Just trying to enjoy this pregnancy and push any apprehension and fears away, I'm such a worrier!

The ultrasound went really great!  Our little guy/gal more than doubled in size it seemed!  You could see little arms starting to form and it's sweet little head and body...we are in LOVE!  Heart rate was really up there at 184 bpm.  Of course I was questioning why so high.  I learned that between 8-10 weeks the babies HB is at it's highest, and then evens out around week 12.  Here's a pic of our sweet little babe :)

We were released from our RE's office and have an appointment next week with our OB, yay!!  Maybe he will do ANOTHER u/s, oh I hope!  It's starting to feel a bit more real now, still kinda surreal though.  Thank you for all of the beautiful comments/texts/messages...they warm my heart and soul, truly.  Here is a pic the secretary took of us to put on their website.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention some other things going on.  First, the shooting in CT.  I haven't stopped crying over those poor little babies.  I, as many others, can't even put into words how I feel about it.  I do feel like we live in a fallen world, and sin is greater now than ever.  All I can do is get on my knees and pray for this world, and for those families that can no longer hug their sweet babies. 

Today marks 10 years that my mom left this world and went to heaven.  It's still heartbreaking.  Especially now that I'm pregnant, and I know she would have loved this time.  I have so many amazing memories to carry me through though, and I know I will see her again...and let me tell you, I can not wait for that beautiful day :)  She was a beautiful woman inside and out and will always be remembered and loved so much!



First ultrasound

Once again, I'm sorry to be so late on the update!  I feel like I start all of my posts this way...I'm a terrible blogger! 

We finally had our ultrasound on Tuesday...that was the looongest wait ever!!  I was so incredibly nervous the night before, the morning of and all the waiting we did in the waiting room and then in the u/s room.  I was sick to my stomach.  I don't think I've ever been that nervous.  I was nervous about what we might see or what we might not see.  I have continued to pray that the Lord would give us whatever He saw fit, and whatever He thought I/we could handle.  Even though we willingly put two embryos in, we became very nervous about carrying and having twins.  I never once prayed for it to only be one...I couldn't fathom praying that other perfect, beautiful embryo away. 

As my husband, being the ever cool as a cucumber type guy he is, tried to carry on general conversation with me all morning...I kept snapping at him "STOP talking to me".  He's in the waiting room looking at a GQ magazine and talking about the coolest cuff links that are in style....WHAT??  I wasn't sure how he could even focus?!  After a good while, we finally get called back....only to sit in the u/s room for what seemed like an eternity.  My sweet dr came in and talked to us for a minute and then started with the u/s on the outside of my abdomen.  As soon as the screen popped up and I could see one sweet little sac, I just melted.  My nerves calmed immediately and I just smiled.  He couldn't see too much with that one, so it was time for the wand.  He first measured my ovaries and then squared in on the little babe :) The one little babe.  He did some measurements of my uterus, yolk sac and then the baby.  Everything was measuring exactly on track...what a relief!!  Then we were able to hear the heartbeat....wow, what a beautiful thing :))))  It was a perfect 140.  I couldn't have been more relieved or happier than that moment right there.

I've been doing nothing but thanking and praising God for this MIRACLE.  It most definitely has not sunk in yet.  Of course I'm still a bit on edge, just staying prayerful that our little babe stays put for a good while.  I know it's the infertile part of me that fears the worst, and also the worrier in me too :(  I know it's in God's hands, and all I can do is rest in that.  Our next ultrasound is Dec. 18th and I canNOT wait.  Some days I feel worse than others as far as symptoms go, but the days I feel better always scare me...so I look forward to anytime I can see our baby :)  

I will be back to update...hopefully sooner than later!!  Thank you guys soo much for the love :) xoxoxo

Beta #3

Just wanted to give a quick update on how my blood test went last Friday.  Surprisingly it came back so much higher than I ever expected at 6,617 (18dp5dt)!!  I was just praying for a number of about 3,000, so we were pleasantly surprised!!  Just another hurdle we have overcome and just another reason to praise God!!!!  We have our first ultrasound next Tuesday, Dec 4th...I'll definitely be back to update after the ultrasound :) Thank you for all of the congrats...just reading them is so surreal!!!

Beta #1 AND Beta #2

I'm so sorry to not have shared my first beta number and leave you guys hanging.  However, there was no way I could come on here and post my first beta right away, and heaven forbid my second beta wasn't good...I just couldn't emotionally do it.  So, I waited to hear back from my 2nd!  Now on to the news!!

Beta #1-182 (9dp5dt)

Beta #2-388 (11dp5dt)

Progesterone-107 (HOLY COW!)

We are pregnant!!!!!!!!  We couldn't be happier right now!  We are fully aware that we are still early, and we are certainly still proceeding with caution...but we are still celebrating!! Even after my first beta, I could barely get excited, but now I'm allowing myself to get a bit more relaxed and enthusiastic!

I actually tested 4dp5dt (wayyy early!) and got a faint positive.  I continued to test and they got darker and darker!  It's just a surreal thing to see that +, we haven't seen that in over 3 years of this crazy journey!  I'm still trying to figure out (ha) what is going on in "there"...I kinda feel like it could be twins, simply because I got a positive SO early, and I'm quite bloated to be so newly pregnant.  Beta numbers are really not a good indication of twins really, I have learned that.  My progesterone on the other hand, yikes!  I don't know much about progesterone levels, but in my little research, high levels of it can certainly be a good indication.  Who really knows though.  I will be so happy with whatever we are blessed with :)  We have one more blood draw next Friday and then an ultrasound in about two weeks.  My only symptoms so far are a pretty good bloat, a little extra tired, the boob thing, and super thirsty!  I'm not one to over think symptoms, I used to do that in the very beginning, but it drove me crazy and became quite silly....but I wanted to share because I know how I stalked pregnant people's blogs about their symptoms ;)

I asked my mother-in-law how you begin to thank God for this miracle going on inside my body??  I don't even know where to start?  It makes me cry just thinking about it!  Her answer was to share it with people, share that God is good and is full of blessings.  Well, my friends, God is GREAT...I've never doubted that in this journey, and heaven forbid anything happen...I will never retract that statement. I've heard this quote that God has three answers to prayers: YES, NO or NOT YET.  It's so true.  We give Him all the glory!!!!!!!!  And many, many thanks and gratitude to my supporters on here...it gave me the strength and endurance I needed in weak times.  Your prayers were heard, oh my, they were heard!!!

Transfer!!

I know...I'm a tad late!  I had my transfer Monday and everything went really well :)  My embryologist was ecstatic over how well my embryos were developing.  They transferred two...one was a 5AA and the other was a 4AA.  These are pretty much perfect blastocysts (from what she told me).  Of course I've googled the heck out of those grades for embryos and have read mostly amazing stuff...so here's hoping and praying!  They were able to freeze four embryos, which I'm totally happy with. 

Here we are with our little embryos.  Looks like there are 3 because one of them is already hatching out of it's shell...such an over achiever ;)  So now we just wait, and wait some more....the HARDEST part!  I'm just praying for enough strength for today and enough hope for tomorrow.  It's out of our hands and our destiny in this journey is best left in His hands.  Again, humbly asking for continued prayers as this is only half the journey!!  Thank you isn't even nearly enough....

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, Be uprooted and planted in the sea, and it will obey you" Luke 17:6

Another step closer!!

My egg retrieval went very well!  I really thought I would be super nervous, but with all the prayer warriors out there, the Lord gave me so much peace...glory be to Him!  All I keep telling people that ask is how very blessed I feel already.  I feel blessed for this opportunity, blessed for the peace that surpasses all understanding, blessed for all the great results I'm getting so far, blessed to have such an amazing husband and support system...I am one blessed chick no doubt!! 

We went down to Greenville Tuesday night and stayed in a hotel because Asheville was calling for some snow...and I did NOT want to chance that drive (plus we were able to sleep in a little more).  This is all based on numbers and the perfect timing...could NOT be late to this.  I was put under and everything went very smoothly.  I was told pretty soon after I woke up that they retrieved 21 eggs.  The next morning I got the call from the embryologist that of the 21, 10 had fertilized normally.  You are expected to lose a few along the way, I hope not to lose any more!  So, I'm happy with that.  My expectations have been low simply because of my low AMH levels...so I'm totally happy with what we have!  I thought I would get regular updates, but apparently only 2.  She will call me very early tomorrow morning with another update.  So far they think I will be a 5 day transfer (which is preferred), but I will know more tomorrow!  I will be back for an update tomorrow :)  I'm feeling the love, support and prayers....it's working ;)