Catching up...

Finally, time to update my blog a little! I guess since my last post (not my very last, but the last post I actually blogged about life) we've had a few changes. I started a new job, which has been an absolute blessing. I basically do the same work, just a different setting, with a much more positive environment. My last job sucked me DRY of everything. I work with my sister's best friend, and it's a JOY!! That same post I also talked about changes for Jeromy. I couldn't really say much, and it's not a huge big deal, but he changed jobs too, which has been great for him as well. His old job was slowing down quite a bit, that type of business he was in has taken a hit with the economy. His new job will always thrive, so we are praying that this door that has been opened will be a good one for our future.

As far as the land that we put an offer in on, well that was a flop!  We, as well as my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, put an offer in and both received ahhhmazing deals on the land...now we see why.  Their land did not perk, and ours only perked for a 2 bedroom.  It was so perfect too, but it fell through, and clearly it was for a reason.  So, with his new job now, we are going to wait a year and begin the process again. 

Onto the TTC woes.  I am going to be realllly careful and try and choose my words very wisely with this.  I go through funks...really sad, angry, bitter, painful funks.  I try and smile through it, and remain positive and faithful to the process...but the process takes it's toll sometimes.  There are two things that are more painful than anything else in this "journey"... 1) the enormous guilt that I have regarding what I can't provide for my wonderful husband 2) watching others successfully conceive easily and having to watch it all over social media (totally my choice, I know).  The second one was a bit harsh, I know, I apologize...kinda.  I don't even get on FB much anymore for that very reason.  I am happy for people, I'm not a totally hateful, bitter person...it just stings, badly.

I'm an emotional person, but I've never been a big cryer.  Not the case anymore.  I've never been able to cry at the site or sound of something.  Not the case anymore.  I will hear of someone I know being pregnant, and burst into tears.  Honestly, it's awful, I hate it and I don't wanna be like that...but that's where I am at today.  I swear like a month ago I was content with the idea of not being able to have a child.  I knew that no matter what it was God's plan, and His plan is the ultimate plan.  And maybe He sees it fit for us to not have a child.  And if that's the case, I have to accept His plan...and I will, but I guess my new question is "how"?  I feel like my husband and I are so full of love and all this good stuff to give, to pass on...who will we pass it on to, to be able to call our own and say we created this?  That is the void that terrifies me.

As I have said on here numerous times, I pray for all my IF friends, truly I do.  Answered prayers are abound right now, so many people are receiving their much deserved blessings!!  So awesome!!  For that I am grateful and whole heartedly happy.  My blog roll was full of IF friends, I now have only TWO that aren't pregnant yet, woohoo!  I will say that, unfortunately, SOME of my bloggy friends who have gotten pregnant don't come here anymore :(  They don't comment or share anymore...and that's ok, I see where we are in different places now?  But, I dearly love the ones that have stuck with me (Stephanie).  Please forgive me if I sound really depressing...it's that roller coaster thingy.  I hate being negative, I really do...it's just a funky time right now.