God-Given Dream

I have a God-given dream to have a baby.  The Lord put the desire in my heart a long time ago to be a mother. If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know the struggle I am going through and certainly know how very badly I want a child.  I get very upset every time a cycle ends and I haven't gotten pregnant.  I don't understand why it hasn't happened.  I've gone through all types of scenarios in my mind as to what could be causing this infertility...and boy have I come up with a plethora of reasons, all because of Dr. Google <----by the way I don't like Dr. Google.  I just get soo frustrated!!  All the "why me's" and all the horrible feelings of jealousy and bitterness are sometimes just too overwhelming.  I wonder why other people seem so much more blessed than me in that area....that's where the "why me" comes in.

But then...I hear God's word and I'm reminded about my God-given dream.  I LOVE when I am in need of hearing something that will speak right to my heart, and then there it is...God speaking right through a guest pastor tonight at church.  Words so powerful, a perspective so clear that you KNOW God is present and powerful in your life.  What I know is that if it took this journey for me to realize that I am not in control, than I'm OK with that.  I'm OK with the fact that I have been sooo humbled by this process...so humbled that I will continue to worship and serve our great Lord, even if I'm not blessed with a biological child.  I have to remember that I am not worshiping God's activities, I'm worshiping His identity, our guest Pastor hit the nail on the head here.

It's very hard when we want something so bad, to not pray in that way.  I want so badly to just seek Him and not what I think He can bless me with.  I AM so blessed though.  I'm sooo soooo thankful for my salvation and what Jesus did on the cross for us...isn't that enough to be blessed with??  Everything in my life was given to me from our Lord, it's not mine, and I have been given so much.  In the face of disappointment, pain, loss I will always worship our Lord NO.MATTER.WHAT.  I will not compromise my God-given values just to have my God-given dream...



Follie check

I went for my follie scan on Friday to see what my little ovaries were up to.  I, again, have TWO follicles (18mm).  This time I have two on my right ovary and none in my left.  Last time my left follicle collapsed, I'm hoping these both release and are mature enough...I've had a little discussion with the follies, so they  know their job!  Jero had to give me my HCG shot last night, he did a great job!!  I go in tomorrow morning at 8:15 for the insemination...will keep you updated :) 

“Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen."

Matthew 21:21

Giving in...

I've been debating on blogging about our next steps.  I really struggled with our 1st IUI failing...like I said before, I just had realllllly high hopes about it.  Then I struggled with having to face soo many people about it.  I was soo incredibly excited that we were blessed enough to be able to do the IUI, I basically shouted it from the roof tops.  My friends and family are and were amazing through the wait and then wonderful after the crappy news.  But in the end, I think it was just too hard to have to go to ALL those people and say it didn't work.

Soooo, we are doing a 2nd IUI this month.  I'm only telling a very few family members.  If you read my blog and you're a friend or family member...than I guess you're in on it with me (and furthermore, I won't know who knows and who doesn't).  But, I do think this is far different than blabbing it all over the place, and that's what got my heart in trouble last time!

About the IUI.  I'm on CD8 and have been taking Clomid for the past few days.  I have a monitoring ultrasound Friday to see what the ol' ovaries are up to.  That's only CD12 for me which is way too early, but it seems they don't wanna come in on the weekend just for an ultrasound.  The one thing we are going to do differently is the timing of the IUI.  On my first one, in my heart I just felt that it was too late for the IUI.  He did an ultrasound right before the insemination and he said I had already ovulated...which is fine, but it's always best to have the swimmers up there right before ovulation!  So this time, we are going to do it 24 hours after I get the HCG trigger shot, instead of 36 hours like before.

Jeromy is in Florida for a baseball tournament all week and comes back on Sunday.  Looks like we will be doing the IUI Monday morning (week of Thanksgiving), so it's cutting it a little close, ha!  I gave him some specific instructions for his trip...one being to PLEASE not spend all day in the hot tub.  He said he would be in it everyday just to ensure his muscles aren't too sore from the games...uggghh!  As we probably all know, that is NO bueno for the swimmers so hopefully he will sacrifice a little and stay out!  I usually go with him on this trip, but I just wanted to save my PTO for something more special.  Him leaving had me thinking about our last bball trip to FL last year in November.  We had been TTC for about 4 or 5 months at that time and I had brought ovulation tests with me, I had never used them before.  I got a positive on the first one I took and you would have thought it was a positive pregnancy test, I was sooo excited!  I was so naive, I just knew I would get pregnant simply because I had a positive test and we did the baby dance that night....yea right!!  Here we are a year later, trying for almost a year and a half.  But it's ok, I've learned so much, and in a way, wouldn't change it for the world...