This is getting too "technical"...

Is what Jero said to me today after my Dr's appointment today.  It put my mind and heart into a tailspin of emotions.  I totally agree with him, actually.  I truly do NOT know how women can fight this battle for months or, better yet, years. 

I was told to call Dr J if I got my period.  Well, my cycle started Saturday, so Monday morning I called.  I was just expecting them to write me another script for the meds.  Not so.  I actually had to do another ultrasound.  My word, I didn't know this.  It was to ensure that I didn't have any cysts left over from my first round of meds...makes sense.  So, I went in and he proceeded to explain to me exactly when I ovulated last month.  I learned something very interesting, kinda basic, I'm surprised I didn't know it.  When a woman starts her cycle and then ovulates, it can vary from woman to woman...it can range anywhere from day 12 to any amount of time (I knew this).  However, once a woman ovulates, it is unvariably exactly 14 days later that a woman will begin her cycle.  With that, Dr J was able to determine exactly what day I ovulated. 

Armed with this interesting information, my mind began to do calculations from last month.  As I sat there with my feet in the stirrups, thinking that if I ovulated on Saturday (as Dr J confirmed), I can see where we probably missed the boat.  Last month when I went for my ultrasound and he did the calculations on my follicle, he told me that I would ovulate Sunday or Monday...which we now know was actually Saturday.  And this, my friends, is why it shouldn't be so "technical".  I'm totally grateful that there are these AMAZING resources to determine what our reproductive systems are up to, but it can be draining.  I'm already drained. 

It didn't really sink in until I called Jero after my appointment to discuss the calculations and what we can do "better" this time.  I found myself sounding a little bit, um, crazy.  I was talking a million miles a minute, and he was trying to keep up and actually encourage me...but I shot him down because what he was saying didn't make sense to me and I didn't want to hear it.  He will be out of town this month during my most fertile time, and I was so upset and trying to figure out how we would work it out.  He finally interrupted me and said "this is getting too technical".  I stopped right in my tracks.  It's very true. 

Let me just say this is not intended to be a "downer" post, just want to explain what we're doing :)  I've decided, no more meds.  Today with just the ultrasound and visit it was $200.  You have to do this twice a month, so that's $400 plus the $70 meds.  Aside from the cost, I would already like to take a little break.  I feel really bad for Jero and don't want to put too much stress on our marriage.  With his comment today, a lot flashed before me and I didn't like what I saw, or how I was acting.  I've read some disturbing stories about couples TTC and what it can do, I don't want to head in that direction.  So, at least for the next few months, we're going to enjoy spring and summer and just see what happens :)  We're certainly still trying, but I'm praying that I won't be so consumed with the exact calculations of ovulation and all the imaginary pregnancy symptoms that follow two weeks later.  We'll see.  I'm feeling really good about it!!  And I'll most definitely keep blogging...maybe about something other than TTC! 

....

I think no matter what, despite the emotional rollcoaster, I will always have hope.  I won't give up.  I didn't get pregnant this month, but prayerfully it will happen next month!  As far as my depressing last post, I was certainly convicted on many levels of what I wrote.  Thank goodness God's mercies are new every day is all I have to say :)

Going through this (hopefully brief) infertility has enlightened me in so many ways, but most importantly it has softened my heart.  Just as with ANYTHING, whether it be an injury that impairs a part of your body, the loss of a family member, a long time job that you have been laid off from...it's naturally challenging for our hearts and minds to relate to other people's hardships/tragedies/misfortunes.  We tend to be selfish and grateful at the same time.  Selfish that we sometimes don't notice or aren't burdened by others that are suffering.  Grateful that if we actually do notice, we just stop and say a prayer of thanks and praise that it isn't us and move on with our busy lives.  I've done it.  Guilty. 

However, in everything I do and the trials that I face, I want to learn something and change my heart to become more sensitive.  I want to show grace and embrace others with as much love as they deserve.  So, when I say that this "wait" will teach  me something, I know it already has and still will.  Believe it or not, a part of me is actually grateful for this "wait"...

Heavenly Father,

Help me to remember others in need,

Lord give me the words and wisdom to encourage them.

Please use me to do your will in helping others.

I lift my voice in prayer for all of those who are troubled, sick or in any need.

Lord please protect them, bless them and keep them.

Amen

P.S.  I said I would post something funny didn't I?  I seem to always be so "deep" lately, I'm kinda driving myself crazy.  Buuut, I do have something funny....quite possibly the funniest thing I've seen in FOREVER.   Check out this link! Bwahahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTbAsmPOKo

Defeated

Today I'm feeling a little defeated...it's just one of those days!  I can't seem to get negative thoughts out of my head.  I try really hard to be positive, but it can be hard.  No, I haven't "started" yet, so that's a good thing...but the lack of pregnancy symptoms is a let down.  And, the break out that my face is experiencing right about this time every month is all too familiar :(  I know this "negative" post is coming a little premature, but it's like I just know it didn't happen this month.  Didn't I just say in my last post that I was feeling "peaceful" about the process?  Wow, the rollercoaster truly is crazy. 

Here are my negative and irrational thoughts.  I feel like it's truly going to take a LOT of "work" to get pregnant...and by "work" I mean a LOT more planning, pills and possibly invasive procedures.  Why do I let my thoughts get the best of me and become soo pessimistic??  YUCK, I hate it!  From what we know...there isn't really anything "wrong" with either of us.  So, I took crappy fertility meds this month and I'm thinking they didn't work...I just don't get it.

OK, I refuse to ramble anymore about something that hasn't even happened yet.  I need some serious schooling in "positive thinking"!!!  Please forgive my Debbie Downer post...I will try my very best to write something uplifting or funny on my next post no matter what happens in the next few days....deal?  K!

Waiting

Is the hardest part.  I'm trying not to obsess over it too much...some months I do more than others.  Some months I'm more anxious than others waiting to see if this is THE month.  But, this month I feel a little more peaceful about the process.  I realize that it is normal for a woman to take six to nine months to actually conceive.  Some things take a while to sink in, some things won't ever sink in, and some things I will waiver on month to month...just saying :)  This I know...it will happen.

I'm gonna try my BEST to not test this month.  I've said this many times before and failed miserably!  Jeromy insists that it costs too much money to keep buying pregnancy tests, when all I have to do is wait...which I admit is true.  Right now I'm guessing I'm about 5 or 6, maybe 6 or 7 DPO (days past ovulation).   The meds I took will alter my cycle length, so I'm interested to see when I start my cycle <-----hoping I won't be starting another cycle :)  So, I am off a little, but I think I should know something by next weekend??  

Please keep me in your prayers, if you will.   

Decisions and hopefully great outcomes...

At this point in TTC (trying to conceive...I will probably use this term a lot, get used to it) we had a couple options to choose from.  As I said a couple posts back, we could choose to do an HSG right off or try meds for three months then do an HSG if the meds didn't work.  Neither option is appealing, but we definitely wanted to do something!

I chose to start with the meds.  Well, the HSG is $500 and isn't covered by most insurances...hmmm, money or mood swings, TOUGH CHOICE!  Somehow, the moodswings sounded better cheaper...oh, but they come with a price too ;)  Dr J wrote me a script for the five pills to be taken on cycle days 5-9, which like I said before, allows me to grow bigger and better eggies.

So, here I am on my ninth cycle, having taken those five pills.  It's amazing how much hope lies in those five little pills.  I have hope and lots and lots of faith.  They weren't too terrible to me.  I mostly had yucky yucky  headaches that just nauseated me, along with tiredness...DH Jero would tell you that I most definitely had mood swings, who me?!  I can deal with the headaches, tiredness and all that came with it...not complaining!

(Btw, if at ANY time this becomes TMI, you can stop reading...after several months of keeping it just between a few people, it feels good to blog about it here.)

 A "cycle" for a woman is generally 28-30 days long...I fall in that range.  Women generally ovulate around day 14ish...I ovulate much later it seems (like day 17-20), another reason I took the meds.  Also, on the meds you must have an ultrasound done, somewhere between CD(cycle day)12-14...to check your follicles (what holds the egg before ovulation), measuring how big they are.  The size doesn't matter much to me, he measured it and said it looked to be a nice big size!!  Yay for my follies! 

In the past few posts, I have caught you guys up on where we are in this journey, the choices we've made, and the dreams we hope for.  In a couple days I will begin what we TTCers like to call the 2WW (two week wait).  I've done this emotional 2WW a few times now.  I've become not only a SERIAL googler on pregnancy symptoms, but I've become a SERIAL POASer (pee on a stick).  It becomes quite comical really.  It's ok, I believe I'm not crazy because all my sweet TTC cyber friends do it too.  I mean, about one week into the 2WW I'm constantly:

~Touching my boobs looking for tenderness (this can look a little wierd when doing it in public)

~Wondering why I'm peeing so much, that little bean is pressing on my bladder I bet (I just like to drink a lot of water)

~Thinking that if I'm hungry I MUST be pregnant (nope, I just have to eat several times a day b/c I'm a little piggy)

~Pondering on why I'm so gassy, maybe it's that little baby snuggling in for a long stay (um, nope again, YOU were gassy coming out of the womb, I remind myself)

~Thinking how tired I am ALL the time, my body must be working OVERTIME because I'm newly pregnant (yea right girl, you stay tired pregnant or not)

~Excited because I feel the littlest bit nauseas, now I just KNOW I'm pregnant (try again, it's your nerves because your stressing about all of the above...now it's time for a visit from Aunt Flow...try, try again)

See how crazy it can make someone!!  I fear for my sanity if I have to do this much longer.  My friend that finally got pregnant after six years confessed to me the other day that she felt like she was getting really obsessed with it and becoming depressed (but, she did stay faithful and reliant on the Lord I must say).  I'm certainly not to that point (well, you might say different after reading all of my imaginary pregnancy symptoms), but it does go very deep.  I honestly don't think I've yearned for something so bad in my life.  I'm still trying to remain patient on the Lord.  It's so hard to want something and pray in a self serving way, but in the same breath pray that this will happen in His timing...I need help on this.  I also struggle with the fact that I write this blog like I've been TTC for many years.  I don't ever want it to become that way, or be construed that way.  I guess I just thought it would happen right away, like most couples do.  It's hit me a little hard that it didn't happen sooner, and that I'd have to do meds or even more to make this happen.  In church on Sunday, my awesome pastor was speaking about being faithful and worshipping the Lord.  He spoke about people going through trials and we change through them, but the Lord is unchanging.  We can be complainers or we can be worshippers...it's how we deal with heartache, let downs, tribulations, illness that speaks to how big our God really is.  I believe He is a big, unchanging, passionate, loving, gracious God.  I write here, hopefully not to complain, but to pour my heart out and to praise Him because I KNOW there is a bigger meaning to this "wait". 

Psalm 27:14

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

I'll be back to post all of my imaginary pregnancy symptoms this month, maybe just maybe, they won't be imaginary ;)

P.S. I can't seem to find the spell check on here...help?  Maybe all my words are spelled correctly, that would be nice, I did win a lot of spelling bees back in the day!

On a lighter (and funnier) note...

Before I follow up on the last post, I found some of these online and I just HAD to share. I canNOT tell you how very true, yet funny these statements are...you gotta have a sense of humor!! (I said I would go over "terms", but I think this post will enlighten you enough)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO CONCEIVE WHEN:



-The Big 'O' no longer refers to Orgasm, but instead to Ovulation

- Every twinge is a potential sign: ovulation pain OR perhaps a sign of pregnancy

- It no longer strikes you as the least bit odd to check out with both HPTs (home pregnancy tests) AND tampons in your cart.

- You schedule your social events around your ovulation day

- If your OPK (ovulation predictor kit) comes up +, you cancel all social engagements that night so you can BD (baby dance) & lie with your legs elevated and butt up in the air afterwards

- You talk using mysterious acronymns that only your ttc (trying to conceive) buddies understand: ttc, BD, ewcm, bbt, opk, 2ww

- Your morning motto is: "Don't talk to me until I've taken my temperature"

- You take your temperature more than once a day (committed TTCer)

- You refuse to finish decorating that 3rd bedroom in your new house, because you can't stand the thought of getting it just the way you want it only to have to tear it apart next month in order to make room for the nursery you'll be needing.

- You put off buying any summer clothes, because you hope they won't fit by the time the weather gets warmer.

- You clip coupons for OPKs and HPTs

- Your doctor says, "Now take these home and inject this needle into your stomach every day" and you don't even flinch.

- You spend more on OPKs, HPTs, and fertility meds than you do on clothes (this is the TRUTH)

- The thought of nausea makes your heart skip a beat!

- You make a mental note of what day of your cycle it is before you say "ok" to a drink

- You finally look forward to mornings! Another opportunity to take and record your temp!

- You refer (and think) of your husband, not as his real name, but as the letters "DH" ("dear husband" in the cyber world) in real life

- You suffer silently from Infertility Vision (IV) - defined as the ability to see pink lines that nobody else can see. It's a very common condition among POASers (pee on a stick) during the days leading up to the official test day. Research is still being done, but at present there is no cure for it!

-You’ve had your feet in stirrups more times than you can count and being poked and prodded “down there” doesn’t even phase you anymore.

- Pregnancy announcements generate tears — and they’re usually not happy ones.

- Birth announcements generate even more tears.

- You have a love/hate relationship with the baby section of all stores, not wanting to go anywhere near it, yet always finding yourself inevitably drawn towards it.

- You could have not only bought a Coach purse, you could have invested in Coach stock with all the money you’ve spent on pregnancy tests.

- You have colored charts and graphs and blow-by-blow journal entries of your cycle to present to your doctor at every visit.

- You’ve read every last article that comes up on Google as to why you might not be pregnant, and have a possible treatment plan to present to your doctor in addition to your charts and graphs.

- You have an addiction to peeing on sticks.

- Walgreens knows you now, because you’re in there monthly stocking up on pregnancy tests.

- You and your husband have ever rendezvoused at weird locations because “it’s time!”

- You could teach health class at the local high school when it comes to a woman’s reproductive system and menstrual cycle. (most definitely)

- You’ve ever promised yourself that “this month you aren’t going to stress it or think about it” but you know that is completely impossible to achieve even as you’re saying it.

- You want to strangle women who do nothing but complain about their children and then inform you that "You’re so lucky and you don’t know what you have to not have children.”

- You’ve called in to work, not because of the first day of cramps, but for another day of heart break.

- You seriously think you’re going to go postal the next time you hear, “Just don’t think about it or stress out about it…” (AMEN)

- You actually understand the following sentence: “It’s CD 12 and I just got a positive on an OPK, so DH and I are going to BD tonight which will then bring on the 2WW (two week wait) and hopefully at the end, when I use my HPT to POAS I’ll get a BFP (big fat positive)!”

Appointments and "Options"

It hasn't been an exact year that we've been trying, but I want to be aggressive...and, thankfully my Dr. (we'll call him Dr J) wants to too. I had to go in for some blood work a few weeks ago to check my prolactin, thyroid and cholesterol. Everything came back great, and he said my cholesterol was excellent (not that this has anything to do with making babies). As I grinned at him with a "Oh yea, I know, I eat pretty good, thanks" look...he immediately responded with "Now, you can't take credit for that, it's genetic", dang, thanks be to my parents I suppose ;)

Everything has always been so "normal" with me. I've been pretty blessed so far. I've had very easy and regular cycles for as long as I can remember, my blood work has always been above average levels. Somehow I get bonus points on my iron level...Dr J always tells me that I have some of the highest iron levels (I don't hardly ever eat red meat either, must be all the peanut butter, ha!). Ok, I'm getting off topic here, once again iron levels don't really have much to do with making babies! But, I know what DOES have to do with making babies.....the swimmers!!! That's half the battle right? It appears so far that I'm pretty normal, no known ovulation problems, regular cycles...so what about my darling husband? My darling husband that wasn't so, ahem, darling after being told the duty he would have to perform.

In all seriousness, he was a champ about it, not overly excited...but willing, and that's what is important! We're all adults here, so there is probably no need to explain the actual process of what took place. Let me just give you the deets. His results were FINE, he actually doubled the minimum standard that he needs to have. He's got the GOODS!

So, back to Dr J we go to see what to do next. We had options of course. There is a test called an HSG (big looong word I don't know how to spell, not gonna try). Basically, it's a procedure where they fill a woman's fallopian tubes with dye to ensure there is no blockage. Having a blockage is a possibility. It's not a comfortable procedure, during or after...but it would be worth it. There is a catch to this HSG, a good catch. First, to find a blockage, but second, a bonus because it can actually clear tubes of mucus allowing eggs to more easily flow through. Dr J tells me (and so did Dr Google-he's great too, but he will inevitably make you crazy) that a lot of women become pregnant shortly following HSG's....fabulous! A side note, HSG's are pricey and generally aren't covered by insurance.

Another option, fertility medicine...YUCK! Anything that is disruptive to female hormones is B-A-D, for her and all of those around her. Even though, as we THINK, I don't have an ovulation issue this medicine would stimulate the ovaries producing BIGGER and BETTER eggies....basically more of a "target" for the swimmers!! Back to the meds. Dr J tells me that they will cause hot flashes, mood swings (Dear Jeromy, I love you, The End), headaches and some other nasty side effects. But, just like the HSG, it would be worth it! Pricey meds too. I would take five pills on days 5-9 of my cycle. FIVE pills cost $90, a small break with insurance is $70, but wowzers still pricey!

With those two options, it's either do three months of meds to see if they work, and if not do the HSG. OR, we could first do the HSG first and then try meds. We decided, blindly really, but we did....





***As I said in my "About Me" caption...I have plenty to pray for and plenty to praise about. No surprise to those who know me, but I love to follow forums/blogs about anything and everything that's near to my heart. I, of course, have been blogging with other women in this same journey. There have been so many blessings (pregnancies) among these women lately, praise God. He is a great and merciful God. For those that are still seeking out His blessings to come, I pray for them. I pray that the Lord, in His timing, will fulfill their heart's desires.



***Some more praise...a girl I work with whom has been privately struggling with infertility for SIX years just found out she is pregnant!!! Girlfriend is a Christ follower and has done her best to put it in His hands, not saying she didn't want to give up (as I might after that long), but she is truly an inspiration. Love her. God is so good!!!

Try, try again...

We decided to start "trying" sometime after the year mark of being married. We weren't quite ready, for various reasons at that point.  But, by the next summer I was all to ready! Ahhh, this should be easy...if it doesn't happen the first month, surely by the next, no PROB! Now, moving along into my ninth cycle, all I can say is I'm in disbelief?!  I certainly don't want to sound insensitive on my blog expressing our concern and disappointment over this matter.  I chat with girls everyday (online) that are going through this process and have been going through it for MUCH longer than I.  I fully understand that it hasn't been an eternity.  It feels like it, but it's not.  I also TRY TO accept and understand the fact that it can take much longer for us as well.

At six months we were frustrated, concerned and disheartened. By eight months, last month, it was time to go to the doctor!! The "proverbial" clock is a tickin'...and IT.IS.LOUD! I realize I'm going to be 32 in two months, and I suppose I have time on my side, but I don't feel that way. I want two babies, I wanted them to be a few years apart...however, this option has become so trivial and unimportant. I will take what I can get, when I can get it. This is how you get in this process. Yea, the whole idea of having a boy at the age of __ (fill in the blank), followed by a girl at the age of __ (you know, fill in the blank)...is O-U-T the window. But, this is ok. This process has more than humbled me. What was so crucial at one point in my life has become so insignificant now.  First and foremost, I want the Lord's will to be done in our life. Secondly, I just want a HEALTHY baby...boy or girl, one or two or THREE (haha). 

So, WE went to the doctor. Yes, Jeromy had to do his "part" too. And, yes, I will spill all his personal information. He's part of this journey too...he won't care, I don't think.




P.S. I just want to thank Kristi from http://www.kristiskringles.blogspot.com/  for the awesome, beautiful job she did on the face of my blog! I looove it!

I'm BAAAAAACK!!!

Yes, all of my faithful readers (all two or three of you), I'm BAAACK!  I've been sooo busy, preoccupied, ok LAZY!  Lazy and mostly boring.  In the past several months we have tried to sell our townhome unsuccessfully, it's now rented.  We have moved in with Patti (Jero's mom).  We will be here until we find something or actually build.  I'm thankful to be here.  Most importantly, and the reason I am trying to revive my blog...we have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for nine months.  Nine weeks, nine months or nine years of trying without the fortune of seeing that desired BIG FAT POSITIVE will take it's toll on anyone physically and emotionally!!!  That would be a "BFP" in baby making terminology...will explain all the terms later ;)

What happens when your dreams are at your fingertips, but other factors are keeping them from happening? Very simple factors, like the dynamics of our reproductive systems...HA, simple, yea right! The process of getting one mature egg fertilized with ONE healthy, ambitious little swimming sperm is an intricate undertaking...wouldn't you say??? It's an amazing, majestic process of the Genesis of life...that is not really within my realm of understanding!

For some it happens as simple as passing in the dark, for others, not so much. My heart aches for women that have tried and continue to try year after year to create life, to hold a tiny baby in their arms, to pass on the love that fills their hearts to the brim. I can't fathom trying for years to fulfill that dream. However, I do have that dream, I've always had it...I wanted to be a mother since owning my very first baby doll (it was called "Baby Alive", and I creatively called it "Baby Don't Die")! Reading back on my diary from elementary and middle school, I was reminded of that. I was reminded in my own writing that I wanted SIX children, I wanted to be a mom above and beyond most anything else that seemed to catch my attention at the time. Some dreams change, some don't...um, let's say I do NOT desire to have SIX children, but I wholeheartedly want to be a mother.

What is my point in all this? I have been trying to concieve for nine months now.  I want a baby, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish. My family and close friends know this, it's not top secret around here. I'm a pretty open person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will tell you my deepest darkest secrets (well, they're not THAT deep and dark), I will tell you how much I make an hour (pretty comical, that hourly rate), I will tell you anything! I'm not the most private person in the world...however, I definitley use discretion and try to use good judgement. I've been debating on whether I wanted to blog to the world (or a few random people that drop by) about it!? Should I just keep it a family matter or pour my heart out on a blog that is my own and share how I feel with others? I choose the latter....I want to share my journey!

I've got lots to share, lots to pray over, many to pray for in this same journey of mine...



Heavenly Father, thank you for all the blessings in my life, they are countless.
All of my life I have dreamt of being a mother,
of raising children with loving hearts,
to do your will on this earth.

Teach me how to patiently wait on you father,
Strengthen me to never grow weary.
I know that through you all things are possible.



Amen