Lowww

Unfortunately, I am in a really low place right now.  (kinda hypocritical of my last post, I know).  I just can't help it.  I'm a few days away from getting my period...and I say that b/c that's exactly what's going to happen.  I'm trying to be ok with it, but it's hard.  Some cycles are harder than others.  For instance, my first failed IUI was devastating.  After trying in vain for so long and you try something new, your hope is renewed and VERY high.  Like this month...2nd cycle post lap surgery coupled with a round of Clomid --I just got my hopes up really high.  I hear people say, don't get your hopes up so high...but really, how is that possible??  And, I know I'm writing this post prematurely, but I'm just feeling so emotional and I need an outlet!  Last night I just cuddled up to my husband and cried, crying helps and I slept really good...so,that's a bonus I suppose??

And, why when you're feeling at your possible lowest do some things slap you right in the face?  My very first patient this morning (before I could even say good morning) bounced in the front doors and said "Do you wanna see a picture of my new granddaughter?"  I immediately got that lump in my throat and all I could muster was "Ok"...not "Sure, I'd love to" or "Absolutely".  Luckily for me, my co-worker took on the enthusiasm that I lacked, and complimented her and her new grandbaby.  And as I sit and write this, Rachel Ray is on in the waiting room.  You know the identical triplet women, they're models and one of them is married to Dr. Phil's son?  Yea, they all THREE got pregnant at the same time...nice!  How cute is that??  How awesome it would be to say "Hey, let's get pregnant"...and viola, nine months later a baby is born!? 

I know I'm going to look back on this post and want to kick myself for how ugly I sound...but this is how I really feel right now.  For some reason Clomid wasn't that kind to me this cycle and I absolutely dread doing it again, or for that matter a new protocol of drugs?  It gave me the worst anxiety ever for like a week after I took it.  I don't talk about it much on here (or at all really), but I already struggle with anxiety in general, and this infertility just enhances it :(

I'm fighting myself on my current attitude.  I feel so bitter/sad/anxious/frustrated and I just have to trust that the Lord will not give me any more than I can emotionally or physically handle.  Sometimes I just wish that the Lord would remove the desire to have children from my heart!  I know it could be worse, and I know women out there have struggled far beyond what I have.   But, at the same time, I know it's all relative and this is how I'm feeling at this particular time...