Lowww

Unfortunately, I am in a really low place right now.  (kinda hypocritical of my last post, I know).  I just can't help it.  I'm a few days away from getting my period...and I say that b/c that's exactly what's going to happen.  I'm trying to be ok with it, but it's hard.  Some cycles are harder than others.  For instance, my first failed IUI was devastating.  After trying in vain for so long and you try something new, your hope is renewed and VERY high.  Like this month...2nd cycle post lap surgery coupled with a round of Clomid --I just got my hopes up really high.  I hear people say, don't get your hopes up so high...but really, how is that possible??  And, I know I'm writing this post prematurely, but I'm just feeling so emotional and I need an outlet!  Last night I just cuddled up to my husband and cried, crying helps and I slept really good...so,that's a bonus I suppose??

And, why when you're feeling at your possible lowest do some things slap you right in the face?  My very first patient this morning (before I could even say good morning) bounced in the front doors and said "Do you wanna see a picture of my new granddaughter?"  I immediately got that lump in my throat and all I could muster was "Ok"...not "Sure, I'd love to" or "Absolutely".  Luckily for me, my co-worker took on the enthusiasm that I lacked, and complimented her and her new grandbaby.  And as I sit and write this, Rachel Ray is on in the waiting room.  You know the identical triplet women, they're models and one of them is married to Dr. Phil's son?  Yea, they all THREE got pregnant at the same time...nice!  How cute is that??  How awesome it would be to say "Hey, let's get pregnant"...and viola, nine months later a baby is born!? 

I know I'm going to look back on this post and want to kick myself for how ugly I sound...but this is how I really feel right now.  For some reason Clomid wasn't that kind to me this cycle and I absolutely dread doing it again, or for that matter a new protocol of drugs?  It gave me the worst anxiety ever for like a week after I took it.  I don't talk about it much on here (or at all really), but I already struggle with anxiety in general, and this infertility just enhances it :(

I'm fighting myself on my current attitude.  I feel so bitter/sad/anxious/frustrated and I just have to trust that the Lord will not give me any more than I can emotionally or physically handle.  Sometimes I just wish that the Lord would remove the desire to have children from my heart!  I know it could be worse, and I know women out there have struggled far beyond what I have.   But, at the same time, I know it's all relative and this is how I'm feeling at this particular time...

He is risen!!

What a glorious day Easter is!  What a renewal, He has given us new life on this day...He was victorious over death and in turn gave us abundant, eternal life.  I'm so grateful everyday for what Jesus did on the cross for us...my salvation, His mercy and grace.  What a sacrifice...


When I'm down and out and feeling hopeless...I always remind myself of the enormous sacrifice Jesus made for us, that usually puts an end to my pity-party immediately.  On this Easter it would have been so nice to either be celebrating a pregnancy or dressing a baby in a precious little Easter outfit...but I can't help to realize how ridiculously blessed I already am!!

"He isn't here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying."  Matthew 28:6


*Added*

Oh...and I forgot to add....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!!  One of the many blessings I was speaking about above :)  This is a pic of us celebrating his birthday...it was Friday.  He's getting just a tad closer to his 30's so he can finally join me...what a baby!!

On testing...

(Found this on another site...enjoy, it's hilarious and true)

When in the course of trying to conceive (TTC), it will become periodically necessary to administer a home pregnancy test (HPT) to determine if intercourse successfully resulted in fertilization and subsequent implantation. The following guides are written with step-by-step instructions to help you successfully administer your HPT. Please note, guidelines for women who are fertility-challenged will be modified slightly in separate instructions at the end.

Guide To Taking A Home Pregnancy Test (Fertile Version)


1) Decide to “Not-Not Try” with your partner. Let’s just see what happens. (Alternate step, become intoxicated and forget to use contraceptives.)
2) Realize your period is a week late! Oh you, always forgetting.
3) Go to the store and purchase the prettiest pregnancy test, or perhaps one that is on sale, and go to the counter to purchase. Oh goodness, I wonder if the salesclerk will notice!
4) At home, follow the test’s instructions. This is where it can get a little confusing… pee ON the stick. That’s right.
5) Set it down and walk away. Hmmm… you haven’t steam cleaned the carpets for a while. And you’ve been meaning to organize that pantry—that soup won’t alphabetize itself!
6) Oh my! You almost forgot; now where did you put that pesky test?
7) Well will you look at that, there’s two lines. What does that mean again?
8) You’re pregnant, congrats! Now wasn’t that easy?


Guide To Taking A Home Pregnancy Test (Fertility-Challenged Women)


1) Sigh, are you really sure you want to take another test?
2) Honestly, your period isn’t due for five more days.
3) Ok, it’s your mortgage payment. Let’s hit the store.
4) Make sure to get a variety. Digital, early result, and that Asian version with the baby playing tug of war with Pokemon.
5) Might as well hit the dollar store too. Pick up 20 tests there.
6) Give the salesclerk the stink eye when she looks at you curiously.
7) Rush home. Do you wait till tomorrow morning? Or take it right now? Decide on the dollar store test for now, save the expensive one for tomorrow morning.
8) One line. Well, not even quite one line… it looks more like the test is flipping you the bird. Oh real nice, dollar store test!
9) Throw it in the garbage. But on top.
10) After a few hours, go back and rummage through the garbage to find that test. How does it look now? Even a shadow? No? Well you probably tested too late in the day, or too early in your cycle. And you had a lot of water today.
11) Next morning, take a fancy digital test. You can always trust a computer, right?
12) “Not Pregnant” read-out on the digital display. You made that decision too fast! Maybe if you had just waited a little longer, the line would have shown up. Never trust a computer!
13) Crack open the digital pregnancy test. Maybe the screen was confused.
14) Damn. Thank God you got those non-computerized tests, those will know for sure.
15) Next morning, take your early result pregnancy test. Hold it up to your face (pee side away, of course), and attempt to Jedi mind control the test into having two lines.
16) Just one line. Wait, is that a shadow? Why don’t we have a magnifying glass?! Nope still one line. Place on your counter for further analysis at a later time.
17) Fifteen minutes later, go back and check… anything yet? Well this one was probably a dud. You know how common a false negative is?
18) Next morning, take that Pokemon test. It claps and cheers when you pee on it, how fun!
19) Only ONE line. Cheap foreign imports! Add it to your row of tests, for comparison sake. Does today’s test look less negative than the past ones?
20) Continue steps 1-19 until you obtain a positive test.
21) Hahahaha, sucker. Positive test isn’t going to happen. Return to store to purchase mortgage payment in feminine supplies.
22) Come home, and open up a fresh box of wine. Wait to do it all over again next month, or whenever Aunt Flo decides to show up.



Beach Trip...

I had such a wonderful, relaxing time at the beach.  We went a little too early in my opinion.  It was rainy and chilly most of the time...we still managed to get a little sun though :)  I didn't take nearly enough pics, but here are a few. 

My sister-in-law and mother-in-law...I'm such a lucky girl :)





Love this pic...bro-in-law and sis-in-law and my hot hubs :)



We went to Myrtle Beach in SC, this is where my sister and I and my parents would vacay every summer.  I was hoping to go back and see the same sights and feel the same feelings I did when I was a kid.  Unfortunately, some of the "sights" and attractions were torn down and I guess I've just outgrown MB?  Since my mom passed away, I'm always seeking some sort of nostalgic feeling when I go to old places we used to go as a family.  Back when life was simple, my parents were together and my mom was alive.  It's hard because I don't have a big family whatsoever, and it's just my sister that lives close by.  I love reminiscing with her about past times with my parents, but she has her own family now with four children, making her own memories.  All I have left of my mother is memories...and sometimes it just isn't enough, but I know it has to be.  There will come a day that I will finally have children of my own, and I can create memories with them that they can look back on...trying their very best to find that nostalgic feeling I look for now.



Lately....

I'm such a boring lazy blogger!  I've told ya'll before, I don't blog about much more than my infertility...what an interesting life I lead, I tell ya ;) 

The only fairly interesting things going on:

A) I'm going to the beach this Saturday...Hallelujah!! (will post pics when I get back)
B) We truly are trying to build a house, and I do think that will be fun to blog about (for me anyways).  Our ideas/plans to build on a certain piece of land have changed, so we are working on something else that is just fantastic!! (God is GOOD)
C) I'm approaching my 33rd birthday and I wanna be sick.  Not sure if anyone understands me when I say that IF I had a child and was turning 33 I wouldn't feel so old...but, I've barely started down that road and I'm feeling it.
D) I just started another round of Clomid last night....OOOPS, that was fertility related...hahhaha, I can't help it!

So last month was unsuccessful, the fertility fairies, once again, were not on my side!!  I'm not doing an IUI this month, just a medicated round.  I'm hoping I won't ever have to do another IUI, and either naturally or with Clomid assistance, I will get pregnant.  I go for my follie scan next Friday and I'm hoping and praying for the best this cycle! 

Will post when I get back from the BEACH!!  Love ya'll!