As of today, I'm officially going on two years of TTC and failing miserably. We started TTC in the month of June and I saw my first negative pregnancy test in July of '09. It's official today because I've sadly started a new cycle today. I just really felt like this month might be the month. I had a few "different" symptoms that made me feel hopeful. However, I was only left to feel foolish, once again.
I feel like I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE. I went to the beach this weekend with a girlfriend of mine, and I swear I was running into bellies everywhere!! I wanted to stop each and every one of the pregnant women and say "you are so incredibly blessed!!" And, I was so incredibly jealous. Wondering what that must feel like to be carrying a baby. I was actually so consumed by the preggo ladies that I wasn't even enjoying myself walking around downtown Charleston. i.am.a.loser!!
I'm such an open person, like an open book...probably to a fault. However, I'm finding myself becoming increasingly more private about our IF. This is probably the most painful thing I have experienced...complete with embarrassment and grief, and you can throw a little jealousy and bitterness in there too. Nowadays when people ask me how things are going (simply b/c I've been so open with people), I just say "good" and keep on moving with the convo. It hurts too much to talk about it, and furthermore I'm starting to feel like such a failure and it's embarrassing. This "embarrassing" thing is new for me...but I totally get it now when people say that. My body fails me and I don't feel adequate at all.
So, I'm about to call the RE's office and set up IUI #4. I'm not looking forward to this at all. I'm totally scared of the possibility of another failed one, and how Jeromy and I will take it...but we must forge ahead. The depressing part is we have no plan of attack if this doesn't work. Unfortunately, I don't see IVF in our future, simply because it does NOT fit in our budget. I know if it's something we must do and we really want, than we'll find a way I suppose. However, we already have some debt that is kinda holding us back from building at this time, so I can't even fathom adding another $15,000 to that debt??!! I'm so happy for those that do IVF, that they have that opportunity...but how do they do it??
I usually try to be very positive and stay hopeful, but I think lately my posts are doom and gloom and for that I'm sorry :( The life that the Lord has sooo richly blessed me with is not lost on me! Although, lately, these days tend to really test my strength and sometimes even my hope...never my faith.
We Know Better
6 days ago
8 Fabulous Comments:
Oh sweetie. Knowing when we were 10 you wanted like 8 kids I really do hate that you are struggling so much with this. Just try and stay positive and know that in the end, we are simply not in control. We have to have faith that all will work out as he has planned for us all along. Relax, breathe but more importantly never think you are failing yourself! You are just too much of a wonderful person for all of that!
Hey lady! I feel like you and I and maybe just a handful of other bloggers somehow missed the pregnancy train. Please know I'm still out here rooting for you and for me and all of us still waiting on our BFP! It will come - someday, somehow, it will come!!
I'm on CD7 of our first treatment cycle of 2011. An IUI with injections this time. And if it doesn't work, we'll be looking at IVF. It is so expensive! We aren't all that blessed with money, but we don't have any school loans or credit card debt anymore. Just a house payment. And we'll be paying for it in a couple ways: 1) cashing out our 401Ks from our jobs 2) financing it to have a new loan and 3) asking for help from my parents and hubs grandma. It will suck and we'll probably be eating PB&J for quite a while, but yea. Thats how we'll be doing it - people who make a combined $65K a year. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling like its an extreme cost. But I do believe in my heart that somehow God will help us find a way and we'll pull through financially stable.
Sending you hugs on your next round!!!
I'll be praying my little heart out that this is it for you! I know how hard it is to face jumping into yet another treatment cycle, and considering the next thing on the horizon. Thinking about you!
No one can blame you for having those thoughts - it happens to the best of us. Hang in their honey and don't fret over the bad days. More and more good days are ahead for you. :)
I'll be thinking about you and praying that this is it and all your hopes and dreams finally come true.
I think you summed up the feeling of IF perfectly - embarrassment/grief/jealous/bitterness. I have been obsessed with pregnant bellies too - you are not the only one.
I'm sorry this month wasn't your month. :( And I'm sorry you felt foolish. I felt that way after BFNs, too. It sucks. You are NOT a failure. This is not your fault. You will get there. Fingers crossed that this next cycle is your cycle.
gosh I am a little late on responding to this, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Hang in there and I hope that this IUI is filled with positive and hopeful thoughts.
We continue to pray for you, YOU are not alone. I know we were so blessed with Abigail, but it was not without a struggle. We did take out a major loan to be able to have her. We continue to pay on it, 7 years later. But, it is so worth the result! Keep your head up, it is all in HIS plan.
April
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