2 years & IUI #4

As of today, I'm officially going on two years of TTC and failing miserably.  We started TTC in the month of June and I saw my first negative pregnancy test in July of '09.  It's official today because I've sadly started a new cycle today.  I just really felt like this month might be the month.  I had a few "different" symptoms that made me feel hopeful.  However, I was only left to feel foolish, once again. 

I feel like I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE.  I went to the beach this weekend with a girlfriend of mine, and I swear I was running into bellies everywhere!!  I wanted to stop each and every one of the pregnant women and say "you are so incredibly blessed!!"  And, I was so incredibly jealous.  Wondering what that must feel like to be carrying a baby.  I was actually so consumed by the preggo ladies that I wasn't even enjoying myself walking around downtown Charleston.  i.am.a.loser!!

I'm such an open person, like an open book...probably to a fault.  However, I'm finding myself becoming increasingly more private about our IF.  This is probably the most painful thing I have  experienced...complete with embarrassment and grief, and you can throw a little jealousy and bitterness in there too.  Nowadays when people ask me how things are going (simply b/c I've been so open with people), I just say "good" and keep on moving with the convo.  It hurts too much to talk about it, and furthermore I'm starting to feel like such a failure and it's embarrassing.  This "embarrassing" thing is new for me...but I totally get it now when people say that.  My body fails me and I don't feel adequate at all.

So, I'm about to call the RE's office and set up IUI #4.  I'm not looking forward to this at all.  I'm totally scared of the possibility of another failed one, and how Jeromy and I will take it...but we must forge ahead.  The depressing part is we have no plan of attack if this doesn't work.  Unfortunately, I don't see IVF in our future, simply because it does NOT fit in our budget.  I know if it's something we must do and we really want, than we'll find a way I suppose.  However, we already have some debt that is kinda holding us back from building at this time, so I can't even fathom adding another $15,000 to that debt??!!  I'm so happy for those that do IVF, that they have that opportunity...but how do they do it?? 

I usually try to be very positive and stay hopeful, but I think lately my posts are doom and gloom and for that I'm sorry :(  The life that the Lord has sooo richly blessed me with is not lost on me!  Although, lately, these days tend to really test my strength and sometimes even my hope...never my faith.

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is particularly hard for me.  It's, of course, a reminder of my mom that I lost almost nine years ago...wow, can't believe it's been nine years!  I find that I'm more upset on Mother's Day than I am on her birthday for some reason.  Probably because there is such a focus on mother's all day long, whereas her birthday, nobody really even knows that her birthday has come and gone.

I always wonder how different my life would be if she were still here.  So many things.  Like how she would have LOVED LOVED my husband...and he would have LOVED her too.  She was one of those types of people that everyone just adored.  So sweet and generous of her love and time.  I didn't have one friend or boyfriend that didn't adore her.  She gave and sacrificed so much for my sister and I as well, and I'll tell you I do NOT do nearly enough to honor her memory :(

And then, there's my infertility...which always makes me think of my mom.  How supportive she would have been...and how broken hearted she would be for me at this time.  Could I handle it better if she were around??  I think, maybe I could.  Having a mother like I had was always the driving force behind my desire to have children. I've always wanted a child to pass on all the love she showed me. She knew how bad I wanted to be a mother one day, and she always reminded me how badly she could not wait for me to have a child...although nine years ago it wasn't even on the radar yet.  It always pleases my heart to know that she did get to be a grandmother for a short while though.  My sister had a daughter whom my mother was attached to.  She was three when my mom died, and to this day my niece still talks about her.  When she was younger she would ask how she can get up to heaven to see her Grammy again.  Now at twelve, she just expresses how she misses her and wishes she was still here.  My sister and I do a good job of reminding her how much her Grammy loved her.  My sister was also pregnant with my nephew when she died...talk about stress during pregnancy, but she did great and my nephew turned out perfect ;)

I know Mother's Day is hard for women struggling with infertility.  The reminders are EVERYWHERE!!  I'm on your side and I want my IF friends to know that I pray for you almost daily!!  It's even hard for the infertile to find the right words for the infertile (lol)...however, please try and find some peace this Mother's Day and know that your day is coming, no matter which avenue you choose.  As for me, I have a funny feeling my mom is up in heaven petitioning for me in her own little way ;)

Happy Mother's Day to all those blessed mama's out there :)