And it begins...

I start my birth control tonight!  So crazy...this will all be over before I can blink an eye, and hopefully end in SUCCESS!  I'll be on the birth control until I start the stims on October 20th (ironically, our 5 year anniversary).  I'm starting to get excited and trying to focus on the positive.  Trying to rephrase the "if" I get pregnant statements to "when" I get pregnant.  I hold a LOT of hope in this IVF cycle, as I feel it's our last shot. 

I was actually super excited to write this post about starting the birth control, until I received a call about our meds.  It appears we can't catch a break financially. First, we applied to receive a discount on the IVF procedure and were told we would most likely get a minimum discount of $1500...we got $500, which we are grateful for, but it's change compared to a $10,000 procedure (not including the $5000 in meds).  So, I was holding out hope that we would receive some sort of break on the meds.  Why are these people so encouraging??  This lady tells me that most people get at least a $1000 off at minimum and a lot of people get $3000 off....um, we got completely declined :(  It's so frustrating that there is zero help for people struggling to conceive, and have to resort to drastic intervention.  I am grateful for some help that we have received from family, it's just still hard to have to drain our resources.  It will be worth it in the end WHEN I'm pregnant :)

What not to say...

I know there are lists a mile long on what not to say to an infertile woman.  I also know very well that people that haven't experienced the emotional storm of IF don't understand it, and aren't equipped with the right words or perfect answer.  I get that, and furthermore, had I not gone through this I'm sure that I would be THAT person that struggled to find the right thing to say!  As with anything in life, any struggle that someone else is experiencing is hard for someone else to grasp, fully. 

Some of the things I have heard since TTC have blown my mind, but once again, I have always tried to keep an open mind and NOT be offended.  Throughout these 3+ years things have bothered me on different levels at different times.  For the first 2 years anytime I heard a pregnancy announcement, I would get so upset, burst into tears at times, and just be down right BITTER.  The pregnancy announcements that my FB is inundated with no longer bother me.  I have found a different peace about that.  I just came to realize that I would never want anyone to experience the pain and longing that I have endured, not even my worst enemy.  I also remember feeling pretty bitter about some people getting pregnant, only for them to suffer a miscarriage...that was a really bad feeling!  I know people are going to continue to have babies upon babies while we sit on the sidelines watching it happen, that is a fact, and being bitter and angry were only holding ME hostage...nobody else. 

As we approach IVF, different comments seem to bother me now...and I just can't help it.  One thing that now frustrates me is the discussion of money.  After all is said and done, the cost of the IVF is $15,000.  We've already spent close to $8,000 (which, by the way, is a drop in the bucket for some IFers).  So, at the end of the day we will have spent over $20,000, baby OR no baby...this is not even a guarantee that we will have a baby.  Even if we do end up with a baby, which would be worth EVERY penny...let's face it, $20+K to get there is pretty much devastating financially.  I have been pretty open about our IF journey, to family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers...that's just who I am.  People will ask me how much IVF is, and some people are just shocked, while others say "Oh that's not bad" or "You can afford it" or "You're in a great position to be able to do this" or "That's not bad, at least you'll have a baby" or "Oh girl, our out of pocket at the hospital when we delivered was $1200.00" (really?????).  Ok, so those aren't all bad comments...they are more "look on the bright side of things" comments.  They are the BE POSITIVE comments.  I get it, I really do.  But, can I be really honest?  It would be so nice for someone to say "Wow Amy, that has to be really hard, I can't imagine" or "That just plain SUCKS"!!  I know the natural route for someone is to be positive, and that's really great...but just from the heart of someone going through it, it's nice to hear "This must suck, but I'm here if you ever want to vent".  It IS difficult for us to fund this IVF.  Yes, we can afford another monthly payment for the next four years, plus $5,000 cash out of pocket for meds (thanks be to God)...but it hurts, bad.  Isn't just having a baby expensive??  I mean, that's what I've heard my whole life.  Starting out with a loan payment, plus nearly all our savings gone is going to be tough....and that's the truth, that's what hurts. 

If you know someone going through IVF or any other fertility treatments...my best advice is to just console.  Be there, be present, listen a little more than you talk.  There is certainly NO perfect answer.  It reminds me of when my mom died at 50 years old of cancer.  The single most devastating thing to happen to me at 24 years old.  What does someone say?  I'm still the same person today as I was then...I wanted someone to say "Amy, this sucks, moms aren't supposed to die so young, this isn't fair".  What I heard was "She's in a better place" or "You'll be ok".  And...this is OK, don't get me wrong...nobody knew exactly what to say.  What I have learned is that people want reassurance to feel bad about situations.  It's OK to have a pity party...just don't stay there too long.  The idea that everything is on the UP and UP all the time puts a lot of pressure on someone.  There are so many times I just want to break down b/c of the anxiety, stress and just pure heartbreak of IF...but I feel the pressure to be positive all.the.time.  I feel like if I actually voice my fears out loud that someone will just come along and say "See the bright side, Amy"...when I all want is a hug and someone to say "Let it out, I'm here". 



I'm terrible with titles, so there isn't one!

I always, without a doubt, feel convicted when I post stuff that points to the fact that my faith is not unshakable.  I know it's just human for me to feel fearful and stressed, especially under such circumstances.  However, not to my surprise, shortly after I drown in my sorrows I am brought back to reality. Reality like young people having to endure lung transplants due to cystic fibrosis, mothers losing children, children losing parents...I have read or seen things like this since my last post.  It's heartbreaking and of course, brings about an awareness of how incredibly, so incredibly blessed I truly am.  I know we all have different journeys and it's ok for me to feel glum.  However, what I want more than anything is for anyone that's reading this blog to know that no matter what, God has a perfect plan for your life.  It may not be perfectly presented the way we intended it to be, but the plan He has for us is only intended to bring Him greater glory.  I guess what is crucially important to me is to ensure that people that read my blog and see scripture posted around it, and read my professions of faith, grace and all that God has provided and blessed me with...I hope they aren't confused or want to question my true faith.  Does that make any sense?  I get beat down just like anyone else.  This battle calls me to question my body, my womanliness, my strength, my courage, my reproductive organs...just the ability to do one simple (or not, in my case) task that my body was designed for.  This battle does NOT have me wavering in my faith. If we are not to have our own biological child, then I know I did what I could do and we have to move on.  The Lord has a very unique, special and perfect agenda for us...we just have to remain patient and pursuant of His will.   

As far as the plan for IVF goes, we did decide to wait one month!  We are very glad we did.  It will give us more time to save money (mucho important), do some more acupuncture and just chill a little.  The schedule now looks like I will be starting birth control around September 17ish, start stims on October 20th and do a retrieval around the beginning of November...all tentative, but roughly around these times.  I had my saline ultrasound yesterday, not the most pleasant experience but I survived.  Everything looked really good, which was a relief because you just never know what is going on in there!  One thing that made me feel a little better was my resting follicle count.  Just a disclaimer before I move on...anyone that has not struggled with infertility or not done any treatments (also friends and family reading) will not understand any of the terms or what their significance is...so feel free to skim if you want, kinda boring stuff for the average person ;)  Anyhow, my resting follicle count was 12...7 on the right and 5 on the left.  It's not super duper, but for my AMH to be so low, I thought 12 was a good number!  Usually someone with my AMH level would have like 4-7 resting follicles.  So now I just wait and hope I get pregnant naturally this month...now THAT would be a MIRACLE and a money saver right there!!  I will, of course, be back for more updates once we get a little closer :)  Thank you again for all the support and love...means so so much!!

A little stressed

Not much is going on in the world of IVF, yet.  I don't have too much to write about, minus all my fears about doing it that seem to creep in ever so slowly.  Next week I'm supposed to be going in for the saline ultrasound and start the birth control at that time.  I started acupuncture last week, which I dreaded, but it ended up being just fine...it wasn't bad at all.  I have had thoughts of postponing the IVF a month to help give the acupuncture a chance to enhance whatever it's supposed to enhance!  I need to decide this like yesterday and I don't know what to do.  Not that a month will even make that big of a difference, but I'm sure it will help.  One thing we don't have on our side, since my reproductive system is janky, is TIME. We haven't even started this process and I'm already, I hate to say it, stressed! A baby has eluded us for over 3 years, so it's hard to believe that's it's even attainable. Fear and doubt have crept in...I definitely haven't missed them!! One minute I'm praying over all of my worries to the Lord, feeling His peace and reassurance. Peace, knowing that no matter what He is in control. Baby or no baby at the end of this He will show us incredible grace, and carry us through. Buuut, the next minute I'm completely overwhelmed with decisions, concerns, control, money, meds, work, my sanity, my body, my husband...all stemming from my infertility and this upcoming IVF. I sooo want to be that devout and faithful christian. This is a battle that compares to no other...it's twisted. I don't want to sound too Debby Downer! We are very excited, just overwhelmed and super nervous. Once we get this ball rolling, I will be posting a lot more with all the fun details! Humbly, we ask for your prayers :) I know there are some amazing prayer warriors on our side, and we are ridiculously grateful for you!!



Good to be back :)

It's been a while!!  A long while.  So long that my blogger looks different, I didn't even know where to start a post.  My playlist is down now for some crazy reason.  It's probably time for me to give my blog a face lift!  I haven't visited blogs in so long, I've popped in here and there, but haven't commented...I'm terrible!  I'm sure most of my blogger friends have long forgotten me, but even more, they've all (but one) gotten pregnant...which is just ahhhmazing!  I've been absent mostly in an effort to keep my mind off of my IF...and it worked!  For the past year-ish, we haven't done much of anything in the way of IF treatments or even stressing about ovulation days...it has been so nice, a much needed break!!  Jeromy and I have both benefited from that break in so many ways!  But now, we are moving on to IVF...which is something I've said before we were very unlikely to do.

I've debated on when I wanted to start this post.  I wasn't sure if I should start it once I took that first birth control pill or now.  Right now, we are just in the beginning stages of setting it up.  We are so excited and completely nervous about this!  We have had our initial consultation with another RE, not our original one.  We are currently working on the financial part, which is ridiculously stressful :(  I think it's just terrible that insurance will not cover any part of IF treatments.  This isn't a news flash to me, but when you're talking about a $15,000 procedure it makes you a tad frustrated!  We are going to finance most of it, and we have amazing family that is going to help out some too...grateful doesn't even come close to how we feel about that! 

So far I have done a multitude of blood tests.  Here is my biggest concern and what I got blindsided with.  I've done four IUI's and my previous RE never even mentioned it.  Apparently there is a test that checks your AMH levels.  It's basically a hormone that indicates how well your ovaries function and the quality of your eggs.  My AMH levels are very low, indicating that I have poor egg quality...this has been devastating news to me.  My low levels probably have something to do with the fact that I started my cycle at 8 years old, hence I've had them for 26 years now...my ovaries are TIRED!!  My FSH levels (levels indicating my ovarian reserve, quantity) are good/decent...so that's good.  It's better to not have both AMH and FSH be bad...obviously.  However, I've pretty much become obsessed with Dr. Google :(  I feel like I did 2 years ago at the beginning of the IUI process...and it's wearing me OUT!  What I have read is a mix of both good news and bad news in regards to the AMH.  I could sit here and type everything that Dr. Google had to say, but basically having poor egg quality is bad.  As most people know, when you do IVF, you can produce a ton of eggs but only a handful are good "quality", and with low AMH, it's kinda cut in half.  But, as with anything, there are always success stories out there...and this is what I have to focus on!!  When the nurse told me about the AMH, I just wanted to end the process right there, but I can't do that because I will never know what could have been!  It makes my stomach hurt to think we would do all of this and end up with no baby, I'm not sure I could even look at my husband if that happened.  I know we only have one shot at this.  I don't want to sound negative, I wanted to express my fears right up front...moving on, I'm going to be more positive.  This is my place to be real though, and I'm so thankful I have it.

Our next step is to have a saline ultrasound in about 3 weeks to have a really good look at my uterus to ensure I don't have any polyps or that my fibroids haven't grown.  I will start birth control, to suppress my ovaries, at that time.  I'm tentatively on the schedule to start the stimulants (SCARED, don't get me started on that) around September 18th with a egg retrieval date of approximately the first few days of October.  So, I will be posting here with all the updates :)

In my intro packet from the RE's office, there was a handout on IF stress and how to manage it.  It said that women going through IF treatments (mainly IVF) are potentially under just as much emotional, physical and financial stress as a woman going through a life threatening illness.  I think I've said this on here before.  I don't want to minimize any life threatening illness by any means, but the comparison is shocking.  There are a few verses that I've been reciting to myself to help ease the anxieties and worries of this process.  But there is one that I am claiming over this...

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

Blogger, uggghh

Apparently blogger is up to its shenanigans again! I've gotten a few, melt.my.heart.oh.my.goodness.so.sweet emails letting me know that you couldn't post on here. I understand the frustration and thank you for your sweet thoughts and prayers...I'll be emailing you back, now :) I'm gonna try and fix the problem, not sure if I can??

Catching up...

Finally, time to update my blog a little! I guess since my last post (not my very last, but the last post I actually blogged about life) we've had a few changes. I started a new job, which has been an absolute blessing. I basically do the same work, just a different setting, with a much more positive environment. My last job sucked me DRY of everything. I work with my sister's best friend, and it's a JOY!! That same post I also talked about changes for Jeromy. I couldn't really say much, and it's not a huge big deal, but he changed jobs too, which has been great for him as well. His old job was slowing down quite a bit, that type of business he was in has taken a hit with the economy. His new job will always thrive, so we are praying that this door that has been opened will be a good one for our future.

As far as the land that we put an offer in on, well that was a flop!  We, as well as my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, put an offer in and both received ahhhmazing deals on the land...now we see why.  Their land did not perk, and ours only perked for a 2 bedroom.  It was so perfect too, but it fell through, and clearly it was for a reason.  So, with his new job now, we are going to wait a year and begin the process again. 

Onto the TTC woes.  I am going to be realllly careful and try and choose my words very wisely with this.  I go through funks...really sad, angry, bitter, painful funks.  I try and smile through it, and remain positive and faithful to the process...but the process takes it's toll sometimes.  There are two things that are more painful than anything else in this "journey"... 1) the enormous guilt that I have regarding what I can't provide for my wonderful husband 2) watching others successfully conceive easily and having to watch it all over social media (totally my choice, I know).  The second one was a bit harsh, I know, I apologize...kinda.  I don't even get on FB much anymore for that very reason.  I am happy for people, I'm not a totally hateful, bitter person...it just stings, badly.

I'm an emotional person, but I've never been a big cryer.  Not the case anymore.  I've never been able to cry at the site or sound of something.  Not the case anymore.  I will hear of someone I know being pregnant, and burst into tears.  Honestly, it's awful, I hate it and I don't wanna be like that...but that's where I am at today.  I swear like a month ago I was content with the idea of not being able to have a child.  I knew that no matter what it was God's plan, and His plan is the ultimate plan.  And maybe He sees it fit for us to not have a child.  And if that's the case, I have to accept His plan...and I will, but I guess my new question is "how"?  I feel like my husband and I are so full of love and all this good stuff to give, to pass on...who will we pass it on to, to be able to call our own and say we created this?  That is the void that terrifies me.

As I have said on here numerous times, I pray for all my IF friends, truly I do.  Answered prayers are abound right now, so many people are receiving their much deserved blessings!!  So awesome!!  For that I am grateful and whole heartedly happy.  My blog roll was full of IF friends, I now have only TWO that aren't pregnant yet, woohoo!  I will say that, unfortunately, SOME of my bloggy friends who have gotten pregnant don't come here anymore :(  They don't comment or share anymore...and that's ok, I see where we are in different places now?  But, I dearly love the ones that have stuck with me (Stephanie).  Please forgive me if I sound really depressing...it's that roller coaster thingy.  I hate being negative, I really do...it's just a funky time right now.