The best four years...

I'm still amazed on a regular basis that I am so richly blessed to be married to such an incredible man.  We celebrated our four year anniversary last Thursday!  These last four years have been a journey that I never could foresee.  It's amazing how you try and "plan" your life out...and God just laughs.  Even though our "plans" haven't come to fruition as we would like, we have each other and our relationship with the Lord...and that's all we really need.  Jeromy has been the rock in our relationship, he is mostly a fearless and very strong man.  He's not very emotional, but has the biggest heart.  I give him credit for strengthening my journey with the Lord, and this is what I'm most thankful for.

When I think of the enormous love I have for him, I am reminded of what led me to him.  I am reminded that through pain and suffering, the Lord actually is working in your life to bring you to a better place...ultimately to bring Him greater glory.  Shortly before I started dating my husband, I was in a relationship that ended very badly.  I had been engaged to a guy for about a year.  Throughout our relationship I saw several red flags, I ultimately chose to ignore those.  Looking back, these red flags should have been deal breakers, but I suppose when you're planning a wedding all you can see is the big picture...which is your wedding day.  Without getting into too much detail (b/c I have a public blog, and I'm not that kinda girl), he came to me three weeks before our wedding and told me that he couldn't go through with it.  This was a Friday night, and the next day was a combo wedding shower and bachelorette party...talk about devastation.  All I could think about was the embarrassment I was about to face.  All I wanted to do was cry, cry and cry some more and never leave my house.  In hindsight, I think I was more devastated and embarrassed about having to call off our wedding than actually not marrying him.

Shortly after ending that relationship, I met my husband (well I knew him, we just never got to know each other).  I only tell this story, as a testimony to what our God can do in our lives when all we see is devastation or loss...but in His precise plan, He is working to mend our hearts and to bring us to a higher place.  When I was engaged to that guy I was a Christian, but he was not; I wanted children, but he did not.  It was a perfect mis-match, and because I was blinded by certain things, my Lord took care of business for me...even when I wasn't looking for Him to do so, I'm ashamed to say.

I couldn't imagine life without my husband, and clearly neither could the Lord, because He divinely placed him there...glory be to God!!  I couldn't imagine going through this journey with anyone else, I just wanna shout from the roof tops how much I love this man of mine and how incredibly thankful I am for him!!!!  Our life isn't perfect, but I think there is beauty in that.  The journey that led me to my husband reminds me of the journey that we are currently on to have a child.  It's shaky, it's devastating...but we will remain faithful knowing that our Lord, full of grace and mercy, will indeed bless us in His own way in His own timing...and indeed, we will be in a higher place giving God all the glory!!

Mean bloggers

I'm such a hit or miss blogger.  Sometimes I get on a roll, and other times I just abandon the blogging world all together for a while!  The problem with this is, I start to lose track of my bloggy friends and it takes some serious time to catch up.  This problem coupled with the fact that I still can't comment on people's blogs most of the time (crushing to me), is making me look like a terrible blogger/friend.  I have emails I need to respond to, but my email is jacked right now...and I'm pretty sure this email problem and the commenting problem go hand in hand.  I know I'm kind of a big deal, right (?), but on the other hand I know ya'll aren't checking your emails/blogs daily for my comments/response...but just know that I'm working on it.  I'm still thinking about all of you and praying for all of you!!

So I was just reading this blog that I follow.  This lady has done like 3 IUI's, 3 IVF's and finally got pregnant on her third...what a journey!!  Well, she's several months into her pregnancy and has been receiving nasty comments and emails about her being pregnant.  WTH??  I absolutely cannot wrap my mind around sitting down at my computer, choosing an "anon" identity and then just blasting a woman for finally getting her blessing that she WORKED HARD for!  And the commenters?  Infertile women.  After reading many comments, it is of my opinion that for some infertile women it has become some sort of contest as to who has suffered more or who has spent more money.  I just became so enraged reading some of the things these women have said on her blog.  Infertility is awful, it really is.  It arouses some truly ugly emotions...here are few, but not limited to...bitterness, jealousy, depression, anger, confusion, guilt.  But, it should not be in our power to be able to unleash these emotions on, what used to be, our fellow infertile in the TTC journey.  Infertility is not a reason to be mean or hateful or hurtful!!

When I find out a fellow IFer is pregnant, my heart leaps in pure joy, honestly.  Because I am human and I'm just being honest...it does tend to be a little difficult to continue to follow their blog for the whole nine months.  It just becomes too painful to watch the growing belly.  With that said, my unflattering feelings and emotions are reserved for women that have children but don't want them, women who took too many jello shots and met Mr. Right Now and BAM...you catch my drift.  My heart hurts for this woman that is being put on blast.  Have ya'll seen this going on on blogs where IF women get pregnant?  What do you think?

Arts & Crafts disaster...

We thought it would be fun to do an arts and crafts night, you know, to mix things up.  Riiight.  The pictures do my arts and crafts catastrophe no justice.  In true Amy A-D-D doesn't.have.a.crafty.bone.in.her.body fashion, I started the project, got frustrated, got up and walked away, went back to the project, got more frustrated, ate the delicious dinner my friend cooked for us, went back to project and then quickly reached DEFCON level 5 frustration...and then gave UP on it!  Right after dinner A started working on her wreath.  Perfection.  Seriously??  Just a blow to my creative ego, thank you very much. 

So, we went to Michaels to get everything we needed, and long story short, we ended up having to do a different wreath because we couldn't anything other than neutral burlap colors. We started out wanting this one:

 And ended up doing this one:

Loove this wreath, however it's a little more complicated (to me) than the other one. It required stitching, yikes, and then cinching...clearly way over my head. Here is my wreath before I gave up.

My friend put hers together in about, um, like ten minutes...like it was no thang!  Just to be clear, it called for two layers (front and back) of the ruffle wreath, but we only had time for one layer.

The finished product isn't really finished.  Because we had to change our wreath last minute, we went to a different store and didn't have the items needed to finish it.  Even though my project turned out awful, we had a back-up plan...alas, a third grade project I can do!!  A coozy, a Halloween coozy!!

Lots of hot glue, puffy paint, foam zombies...YES!  Suffice it to say, there probably won't be many more arts & crafts nights, unless it is on an elementary level ;)  But, we did have fun...and that's most important, right?  The arrow on my head reads "I'm with creepy" ;)





HELP!!!

Does anyone know why I can't leave comments on blogs??  Especially blogspot blogs!  I have so much to say, lol!  I post a comment and hit the comment button, and then it disappears :(  Help!!

Gettin' crafty!

So who is tired of me talking about infertility??   I can just see you guys jumping up and down saying "ME, ME!" Ha!  Yea, well, me too...believe it or not!  I, myself, can't believe how much I can talk about infertility...it just monopolizes everything, booo!  So, in the last few days I've been really trying to think of things I can do to get my mind off of it already.  I made a date with a girlfriend of mine...and here is how our conversation went:


 Let's do something Friday night...
A: Um, I know you, you'll be too tired after work.
Me: Nah, I promise, I'm good...
A: Ok, let's do something out of our comfort zone!
Me: Sounds great, let's do it!
A: How about laser tag?
Me: No, does not sound fun whatsoever...and I'm 33, not 23 like you! (Yes, we are 10 years apart and yes, I know 33 isn't old)
A: Alright old lady...
Me:  How about roller skating?  (purely for shock value)
A: I'm 23, not 13...
Me: I was kidding about roller skating.
A:  How about bowling?
Me: Is this what it's come down to?
A: How about we just go see a movie, dinner and drinks? (the usual)
Me: I guess we don't have a choice (b/c there is absolutely nothing else to do), sounds good.  (NOT out of comfort zone whatsoever)

So then I get this great idea...let's be realllly lame and do arts and crafts, while having some wine of course!  Soooo...I start to google DIY fall projects....OMGoodness, wow there is so much.  WOW, people are soo creative and then spend a ton crap of time to take pictures, give a blow by blow on how to make it AND then blog about it!  So then, the next day this was our convo:

Me: How about a fall arts and crafts project and some wine!
A: So we go from laser tag to arts and crafts?
Me: Absolutely!
A: Awesome, let's do it!
Me: Yay...we're so cool!

This is what I found for us to do...it was A's idea to do a wreath, so this is what we settled on.  Hot glue guns, watch out!!

  http://www.craftaholicsanonymous.net/2011/09/burlap-fall-wreath-tutorial.html  Don't ya'll LOVE it??

I'm NOT creative whatsoever, but I like to be crafty (and I'm usually terrible at it)!  This might be the beginning of something...we shall see :)  I'll post some pics from our old lady arts and crafts night!  This might have to be a regular thing...

The journey

"Be kind because everyone is fighting some kind of battle".

I've heard this quote so many times, and I love the reminder that it holds.  I may have said this here before, but in some funky way I'm grateful for my infertility struggle.  If you can see the good through the bad or the bigger picture during troubled times or in times of waiting, it makes it far easier to get through.  I don't think for one minute that I'm waiting in vain (at times it may not sound like it here on my blog, through all the whining).  The big lesson I'm learning is that everyone certainly does struggle with something.  If we're being honest, I will say that it has taken this IF to help me to see it, fully understand it and act on it.  But, that is the beauty of struggle, pain, suffering, loss.

I was doing my daily blog readings a couple weeks ago and found that one of my IF bloggy friends announced she was three months pregnant!!  Her dream came true, her prayers were answered, all the hope she held onto finally became a reality...but the one thing that seemed to bother her was that this announcement would find other IF followers hurting.  The IF battle is so tricky and complicated.  I'm not so sure that anyone can truly unravel the tortuous and complex emotions that IF comes with.  Your dream comes true, but the sting of IF is still there.  Your prayers are answered, but your fears rise up for the stability of your pregnancy.  Your hope becomes reality, but yet you're apprehensive about sharing your joy with the IF community.  She is fully aware of others struggles.  The Lord came through for her, but while she waited, her heart was softened...in a way that only waiting on the Lord can do.

I understand, better, that so much lies in hope. It seems that people can survive almost anything, but not without hope. In all the wonderful blogs I visit, there seems to be one underlying message...hope. Hope endures.  If there is one thing that I can say to someone struggling with anything (reminding myself as well) is that the Lord knows your battle.  He placed it there.  He will get you through it, through His strength and grace alone. While you wait, pray for contentment. Always keep your hope alive, because He does want to grant you the desires of your heart...

Follow-up

First, thank you soo much for the encouragement and support...I know I say it all the time, but I'm more than grateful for my bloggy friends...this girl couldn't make it without ya'll!!  I'm finally getting a chance to follow up about my "new approach".  I went in for my first visit to go over everything and anything, and then a week and a half later (yesterday), I went in for my follow-up. 

After an "interview" of everything "female"...my new doc discovered that I had an estrogen dominance issue.  I went over a list of all the symptoms/markers for the ED issue (I gotta abbreviate it, it's a long one, but when I type ED it makes me think of erectile dysfunction for some insane reason, ha!).  To say that I had about 85% of the symptoms listed is kind of an understatement.  Shocker warning ahead...one of the big reasons he believes that it's an ED issue is because of my early onset of my period.  This is cuuuhhhrazy, but I started when I was EIGHT years old!  I know right?!  Just a little background story on that.  Who the heck talks to their eight y/o about puberty?  So when that went down, I was scared outta my mind...thought I was dying for obvious reasons!  Looking back now, all the drama was quite comical.  Basically, I have had about 30-45 more cycles than the average woman my age.  He explained that just the early onset alone signals an estrogen issue, not just the mere fact that I've had so many cycles for a 33 y/o woman.  Here is where my frustration lies...I inquired about the early onset to my gyno and RE, and they both brushed it off as no biggie.  I'm not saying that this is the entire problem, but clearly it signals that something is "off"!

He overwhelmed me (in a good way) with so much information regarding ED, supplements to assist it and my diet.  He explained that estrogen gets backed up in the liver, so I am on 3 supplements for liver cleansing, drops for uterine health and magnesium topical gel for anxiety (plus, magnesium deficiency is a symptom of ED and can lead to some nasty feelings of anxiety/depression).  Anxiety has been an issue for me for the past 3 years.  I was on Yaz birth control when I first got married, and had some major issues once I stopped it midcycle after a year of taking it...ever since then I have had this constant anxious personality.  I think the Yaz just contributed to my already existing issues...plus, surely ya'll have heard that Yaz is terrible anyways, hence the commercials and them pulling it off the market!  All in all, he thinks my anxiety is clearly hormonal related.

My doc seems soo full of great information and really sounds like he knows what he's talking about.  It's very interesting their view on things, as compared to conventional dr's.  He explained that the stuff that we are "fed" on TV and in society are so backwards to what we truly should be doing.  I can't even go over all the stuff, there was so much.  As far as nutrition, he is sending me an email today with a guideline that I should try and follow.  The top 3 things that I should avoid are gluten products (very hard apparently), artificial sweeteners and polyunsaturated fats.  The polyfats thing is just one example of one of the things that is being pushed right now to consume, but yet is not good for us.  It's really looking at things in a whole different way.  I'm really excited about this!!  Plus, taking a break for a few months will help with the stress tremendously!