(Found this on another site...enjoy, it's hilarious and true)
When in the course of trying to conceive (TTC), it will become periodically necessary to administer a home pregnancy test (HPT) to determine if intercourse successfully resulted in fertilization and subsequent implantation. The following guides are written with step-by-step instructions to help you successfully administer your HPT. Please note, guidelines for women who are fertility-challenged will be modified slightly in separate instructions at the end.
Guide To Taking A Home Pregnancy Test (Fertile Version)
1) Decide to “Not-Not Try” with your partner. Let’s just see what happens. (Alternate step, become intoxicated and forget to use contraceptives.)
2) Realize your period is a week late! Oh you, always forgetting.
3) Go to the store and purchase the prettiest pregnancy test, or perhaps one that is on sale, and go to the counter to purchase. Oh goodness, I wonder if the salesclerk will notice!
4) At home, follow the test’s instructions. This is where it can get a little confusing… pee ON the stick. That’s right.
5) Set it down and walk away. Hmmm… you haven’t steam cleaned the carpets for a while. And you’ve been meaning to organize that pantry—that soup won’t alphabetize itself!
6) Oh my! You almost forgot; now where did you put that pesky test?
7) Well will you look at that, there’s two lines. What does that mean again?
8) You’re pregnant, congrats! Now wasn’t that easy?
Guide To Taking A Home Pregnancy Test (Fertility-Challenged Women)
1) Sigh, are you really sure you want to take another test?
2) Honestly, your period isn’t due for five more days.
3) Ok, it’s your mortgage payment. Let’s hit the store.
4) Make sure to get a variety. Digital, early result, and that Asian version with the baby playing tug of war with Pokemon.
5) Might as well hit the dollar store too. Pick up 20 tests there.
6) Give the salesclerk the stink eye when she looks at you curiously.
7) Rush home. Do you wait till tomorrow morning? Or take it right now? Decide on the dollar store test for now, save the expensive one for tomorrow morning.
8) One line. Well, not even quite one line… it looks more like the test is flipping you the bird. Oh real nice, dollar store test!
9) Throw it in the garbage. But on top.
10) After a few hours, go back and rummage through the garbage to find that test. How does it look now? Even a shadow? No? Well you probably tested too late in the day, or too early in your cycle. And you had a lot of water today.
11) Next morning, take a fancy digital test. You can always trust a computer, right?
12) “Not Pregnant” read-out on the digital display. You made that decision too fast! Maybe if you had just waited a little longer, the line would have shown up. Never trust a computer!
13) Crack open the digital pregnancy test. Maybe the screen was confused.
14) Damn. Thank God you got those non-computerized tests, those will know for sure.
15) Next morning, take your early result pregnancy test. Hold it up to your face (pee side away, of course), and attempt to Jedi mind control the test into having two lines.
16) Just one line. Wait, is that a shadow? Why don’t we have a magnifying glass?! Nope still one line. Place on your counter for further analysis at a later time.
17) Fifteen minutes later, go back and check… anything yet? Well this one was probably a dud. You know how common a false negative is?
18) Next morning, take that Pokemon test. It claps and cheers when you pee on it, how fun!
19) Only ONE line. Cheap foreign imports! Add it to your row of tests, for comparison sake. Does today’s test look less negative than the past ones?
20) Continue steps 1-19 until you obtain a positive test.
21) Hahahaha, sucker. Positive test isn’t going to happen. Return to store to purchase mortgage payment in feminine supplies.
22) Come home, and open up a fresh box of wine. Wait to do it all over again next month, or whenever Aunt Flo decides to show up.
