Facts, Figures and Awareness

During my recovery time I thought I would, for giggles, add up the cost of infertility so far for us.  We only started to "tackle" our infertility after trying for about nine months.  So this cost has been in the past ten months.  This cost is everything from multiple ultrasounds, HSG, fertility meds, 3 IUI's, SA's, blood work and now my surgery (don't know what the anesthesia bill is yet).  Here are the facts and figures...give or take a few dollars, oh and this does NOT include the enormous amount of money spent on ovulation tests and pregnancy tests ;)

FACTS:  I'm not pregnant

FIGURES: Drum roll please.... $6,100!!


This is truly not a complaint, just putting into light the monetary effects of infertility.  I am MORE than grateful and even MORE blessed to be able to have done what we have done, even coming out of it without a baby.  It has brought us much closer in our marriage in a lot of different ways, and it has certainly taught me a lot about myself and others...something that I wouldn't really change if given the opportunity.  We will have a child that is wanted more than anything in this world...I can't wait for the day that Jeromy and I are so lost in love with our child...

My sister just texted me and said "Did you know March was Endometriosis Awareness Month"...no I did not.  This is pretty cool.  Endo is certainly not something that has affected me for a long time, but it has kept me from having children.  In doing some more research on it, it affects a lot of women in so many different ways.  It's a disease that can wreak havoc on girls and women, and overtime can travel as far as the brain!!  Unfortunately for most, it will reoccur time and time again and ultimately end up with a total hysterectomy :(  It's something that women should be aware of and pay close attention to.  Not sure what I can do to contribute to March's awareness, I will look into it, but I know that I can lift up women struggling with this disease and pray they find peace, resolution and comfort...free of endometriosis.

Follow up

Short recap, as I'm on pain meds and ready to lay my head down.  Surgery went well!!  Answered prayers all around.  First, from what my husband tells me, Dr J said my endometriosis was bad and affected all of my lady organs except my bowels...WOW!!  Good news for us because of our failed attempts at TTC.  It is what I wanted to hear...just praying that this surgery works for that purpose.  It is kinda scary knowing I had it that bad, because eventually it will come back.

I didn't get sick, but I did get quite nauseas and immediately asked for something to help with that.  I'm very sore, but actually feeling better than I thought I would feel!  The two most bothersome things are the fact that I can't pee real well because of the cathader.  What an awful feeling to have a full bladder and only be able to pee just a little, uughh...hope that doesn't last long.  Also, another side affect is the shoulder pain from air traveling upwards due to the carbon dioxide they bloat your abdomen with...OUCH!  This shoulder pain is actually worse than the abdomen pain.  But honestly, I can't complain, I am doing great!!

Once again, I can't say a big enough thank you for the sweet messages of support, prayers and love...I'm so grateful and lucky to have such great support, it means soo much to me!!!!

Since I came home all doped up yesterday, I can't stop praising God for all the undeserved answered prayers and blessings...God is sooo good!!

Randomness and Surgery...

My lap surgery is tomorrow...excited and nervous is how I'm feeling!  I'm nervous because I've never had surgery before, and you know the biggest thing I'm scared of.....throwing up after waking up!! ha!  Shouldn't be my biggest concern right?  I'm excited though because I'm praying and hoping that there is something there to "fix"!  It would be the biggest bummer if he went in and all looked fine.  Bummer because endo wouldn't be my "issue" and bummer because of how expensive it is!  In my pre-op I almost wanted to make a pact with my doc to tell my husband that there WAS endo, even if there wasn't.  My hubs just doesn't want all this done in vain.  But, as Dr J says, he wouldn't do this if he didn't truly think I had it, so we'll see...

Now for a bit of the most random thoughts and going ons:

*I wish I could blog about more than just my infertility!!
*Baseball season is upon us and I'm dreeeading it...wondering if I can even get pregnant during BB season because my hubs is soo incredibly "committed"
*Would like to get back to my "pre trying to make a baby and failing" weight
*Is hoping that my IRL friends/family and my sweet cyber friends would finally get their miracle too...I pray for you frequently by name!!
*Loves Emily on the Bachelor...team Emily!
*Is thinking if I got pregnant in a couple months, I might have a leap year baby ;)
*Gas prices...WTH??  Just bought a Tahoe...WTH??
*Reading "Prince of Tides", just started it and it already seems like a great pick!
*Wants twins...one and done, please and thank you ;)
*Sees the good in infertility every once in a while, there is ALWAYS some good to come out of suffering...
*Regarding the statement above, I fall more and more in love with my amazing and supportive husband everyday
*I don't want Oprah to end :(
*Can't wait to go on vacation in April...it's time!
*Hates having to be at work at 6:30am...blaaaahhhhhh I hate mornings!!
*I'm secretly scared to have a baby...I mean, it's life changing...but I'm so ready!
*Excited to be catching up on some movies this weekend while I recover
*Is hoping my awesome cousin has an amazing birthday today...LOVE YOU Jen!
*That's all, for now...

Disturbing baby dreams

Just like when you're planning your wedding and you have these devastating dreams of wedding day disasters, I have the same about having a baby!!

This is not the first dream by far, and probably won't be the last.

Last night (or more like this morning) I dreamt I was pregnant...fun right??  NOT!  Why can't I have sweet dreams of having and holding a pretty, healthy little baby?  In all of my dreams I always have this SMALL baby bump, but yet I'm almost due.  Last night it was the same thing, and I kept asking the nurse why I was so small.  My hubs was there and I was worried why I was so small, but I kept saying to him "well at least I won't have much weight to lose" (this is a little fear of mine, all worth it, but I can see why it pops up in my dreams!). 

Anyways, so I feel these pains which I'm assuming are contractions.  My nurse walks me through the delivery room so I am familiar with the setup.  Wellll, this delivery room was a stage and there was an audience to watch me deliver, mostly friends and family.  The nurse explained there would also be another lady next to me delivering too and that there were people there for her, but watching me as well.  I remember thinking in my dream how odd that was, but I never questioned it.

After the interesting tour, my nurse sat me down and started going over some test results.  I was so anxious to hear them, because I just knew there was a problem because I was so small.  The nurse starts laughing hysterically, and I keep asking her "What? What?".  She said, "Your baby definitely has some problems, not even sure surgery will fix them.  Your babies heart has some major issues and it probably won't survive, but we'll just have to wait and see."  I just remember feeling so sunk with despair, anguish and sadness while this crazy lady just kept laughing...and then I woke up....thank God!!!!

Pleeeease Lord, no more bad dreams like this!!!!  Apparently I have a lot going on in that subconscious mind of mine.  My sister-in-law and I were just talking about dreams and how they make you feel right when you wake up.  It's like you still feel that same emotion that was in your dream, right when you wake up and it takes a while for it to dissipate.  She had a dream of her hubs cheating (I've had a few of those too), and you wake up MAD as heck at your hubs...as if he TRULY did exactly what you dreamt about.  If I had a bad dream about someone, I have to call them to tell them I love them or see how they're doing.  But, these baby dreams...I just have to put it out of my mind! 

Seriously...WHY???

I'm gonna make this short and sweet...not sweet, but short because I have GOT to get moving and run some errands today. 

I was supposed to start my period on Monday and when it didn't come, I naturally got a little excited.  Tuesday comes, nothing.  Wednesday, nothing.  Thursday, nothing.  I tested Wednesday night and got a faint positive..WOW, Thursday morning another faint positive... even bigger WOW!!  So, I called my RE and they asked me to come in for a blood test (this was yesterday).  Let me just throw in that when I was talking to the girl at the RE's office about the faint positives and how I was 3 days late (which I never am), she started to take my blood and said this "Oh, you're definitely pregnant"...insert even more giddy excitement here!!  Words could not even describe how ridiculously excited I was Thursday morning...I was OUT.OF.CONTROL!!  I went back to work after the blood test and shared the news with a couple girls that know my struggle...all we could do was giggle and act crazy.  HOURS later, I mean the longest hours of my life, I called my RE's office right when they came back from lunch.  I told her I couldn't wait anymore and I was curious if they had the results.  She placed me on hold and came back..."Amy I'm sorry the HCG levels aren't high enough, it's a negative".  I was soo short with her and got off QUICK!

Well, you know I've heard that before (like 19ish times), so I guess I expected it...but the higher your hopes, the harder the fall!!  I've never been that late, I've NEVER gotten a positive test...so, yea, I was pretty hopeful.  Well, about two hours later, the RE's office called me back.  Deborah just wanted to let me know that my Dr had a chance to look over my labs and it was his opinion that I certainly was pregnant, but unfortunately the little egg was unable to implant in my uterus....this is called a chemical pregnancy.  Another term would be a verry early miscarriage.  I almost even hate to use the word miscarriage, I feel like that does some injustice to women who truly experience heartbreaking miscarriages...but that is the term for chemical pregnancy :(  I think sweet little Deborah learned her lesson about saying "Oh, you're definitely pregnant"...I mean she works in an infertility clinic, probably not a good thing to say to someone, but she is the sweetest so I forgive her ;)  So, now I just wait for something...a period, a slight miscarriage...who knows??

Also, I learned a week ago during my annual pap that I might have endometriosis :(  I have several symptoms and indicators.  Kinda makes sense really, I just wish someone had mentioned this earlier!  So, I will be doing this lap surgery on February 25th in HIGH hopes that it will help my infertility...also a bonus that it will help my heavy and crampy cycles.  It's overwhelming knowing I will be having to have surgery, but also that it seems to be quite expensive :(  Anyone had this that can advise on any part of it??

I still feel like the most blessed and loved child of God!  He is amazing and has provided me with more strength and peace than I could ever imagine...truly a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Valleys aren't meant to be destinations, just a journey for a place of learning...thanks Charles Stanley!!

I won't be that kind of parent...

Maybe it's called bargaining, I don't know, you tell me.  Since I have been trying to conceive and have failed, I obviously view things a little different and have become a tad more opinionated.  Being more opinionated has it's advantages and disadvantages.  It can make you wiser or it can make you more bitter, unfortunately.

I now have opinions about almost everything to do with moms, babies, infertility, parenting and so forth.  It seems like everyday I see mothers (and fathers) that mistreat their children, directly or indirectly.  I feel that I am 10x more aware of this now that I'm infertile.  I see parents yank their kids around, scream at their kids, spank their kids (short of beating them), feed their toddlers Mountain Dew (seriously??), resent their children and the list goes on.  My first thought is always...I won't be that kind of parent!  Then I begin to daydream about parenting my beautiful child.  I will love on them beyond measure, I will feed them so well (organic, of course), I will certainly NOT feed them sugary drinks, I will put them in time-out for only the amount of minutes that equates to how old they are,  I will teach them right and wrong, I will show them how to be givers, I will (most importantly) bring them up knowing the Lord...praying vigilantly, loving others and worshiping the Lord.  I will, essentially, be the perfect parent...right??  Ha ;) 

Sometimes, well a lot of times, my prayer begins like this "Lord, I promise I will raise our child up to live for YOU, to do your will, to be the best person they can be.  Lord, I will do my very best, I have so much love to give, please please bless me with a child.  And, Heavenly Father, why would you give children to people that can't care for them or just don't want them.  I want a child so bad and I will do the right thing for YOU, I promise!!"  That's bargaining, isn't it??  Yea, I thought so :(

As I have said before, my desire to have a child is so strong and failing at it is heartbreaking.  I'm just being honest here, and hope that I don't offend anyone...anyone that feeds their toddler Mountain Dew, I apologize, sort of.  I just hope that those mama's out there appreciate what they have and love on those babies...conception, truly, is a miracle. 

Forget my Infertility......

When I see stuff like this, it makes my problems seem so small and trivial.  I stumbled upon this blog through another blog, and haven't stopped praying (and shedding some tears) since.  Please stop by... and lift Joanne up in your prayers.