Seriously...WHY???

I'm gonna make this short and sweet...not sweet, but short because I have GOT to get moving and run some errands today. 

I was supposed to start my period on Monday and when it didn't come, I naturally got a little excited.  Tuesday comes, nothing.  Wednesday, nothing.  Thursday, nothing.  I tested Wednesday night and got a faint positive..WOW, Thursday morning another faint positive... even bigger WOW!!  So, I called my RE and they asked me to come in for a blood test (this was yesterday).  Let me just throw in that when I was talking to the girl at the RE's office about the faint positives and how I was 3 days late (which I never am), she started to take my blood and said this "Oh, you're definitely pregnant"...insert even more giddy excitement here!!  Words could not even describe how ridiculously excited I was Thursday morning...I was OUT.OF.CONTROL!!  I went back to work after the blood test and shared the news with a couple girls that know my struggle...all we could do was giggle and act crazy.  HOURS later, I mean the longest hours of my life, I called my RE's office right when they came back from lunch.  I told her I couldn't wait anymore and I was curious if they had the results.  She placed me on hold and came back..."Amy I'm sorry the HCG levels aren't high enough, it's a negative".  I was soo short with her and got off QUICK!

Well, you know I've heard that before (like 19ish times), so I guess I expected it...but the higher your hopes, the harder the fall!!  I've never been that late, I've NEVER gotten a positive test...so, yea, I was pretty hopeful.  Well, about two hours later, the RE's office called me back.  Deborah just wanted to let me know that my Dr had a chance to look over my labs and it was his opinion that I certainly was pregnant, but unfortunately the little egg was unable to implant in my uterus....this is called a chemical pregnancy.  Another term would be a verry early miscarriage.  I almost even hate to use the word miscarriage, I feel like that does some injustice to women who truly experience heartbreaking miscarriages...but that is the term for chemical pregnancy :(  I think sweet little Deborah learned her lesson about saying "Oh, you're definitely pregnant"...I mean she works in an infertility clinic, probably not a good thing to say to someone, but she is the sweetest so I forgive her ;)  So, now I just wait for something...a period, a slight miscarriage...who knows??

Also, I learned a week ago during my annual pap that I might have endometriosis :(  I have several symptoms and indicators.  Kinda makes sense really, I just wish someone had mentioned this earlier!  So, I will be doing this lap surgery on February 25th in HIGH hopes that it will help my infertility...also a bonus that it will help my heavy and crampy cycles.  It's overwhelming knowing I will be having to have surgery, but also that it seems to be quite expensive :(  Anyone had this that can advise on any part of it??

I still feel like the most blessed and loved child of God!  He is amazing and has provided me with more strength and peace than I could ever imagine...truly a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Valleys aren't meant to be destinations, just a journey for a place of learning...thanks Charles Stanley!!

I won't be that kind of parent...

Maybe it's called bargaining, I don't know, you tell me.  Since I have been trying to conceive and have failed, I obviously view things a little different and have become a tad more opinionated.  Being more opinionated has it's advantages and disadvantages.  It can make you wiser or it can make you more bitter, unfortunately.

I now have opinions about almost everything to do with moms, babies, infertility, parenting and so forth.  It seems like everyday I see mothers (and fathers) that mistreat their children, directly or indirectly.  I feel that I am 10x more aware of this now that I'm infertile.  I see parents yank their kids around, scream at their kids, spank their kids (short of beating them), feed their toddlers Mountain Dew (seriously??), resent their children and the list goes on.  My first thought is always...I won't be that kind of parent!  Then I begin to daydream about parenting my beautiful child.  I will love on them beyond measure, I will feed them so well (organic, of course), I will certainly NOT feed them sugary drinks, I will put them in time-out for only the amount of minutes that equates to how old they are,  I will teach them right and wrong, I will show them how to be givers, I will (most importantly) bring them up knowing the Lord...praying vigilantly, loving others and worshiping the Lord.  I will, essentially, be the perfect parent...right??  Ha ;) 

Sometimes, well a lot of times, my prayer begins like this "Lord, I promise I will raise our child up to live for YOU, to do your will, to be the best person they can be.  Lord, I will do my very best, I have so much love to give, please please bless me with a child.  And, Heavenly Father, why would you give children to people that can't care for them or just don't want them.  I want a child so bad and I will do the right thing for YOU, I promise!!"  That's bargaining, isn't it??  Yea, I thought so :(

As I have said before, my desire to have a child is so strong and failing at it is heartbreaking.  I'm just being honest here, and hope that I don't offend anyone...anyone that feeds their toddler Mountain Dew, I apologize, sort of.  I just hope that those mama's out there appreciate what they have and love on those babies...conception, truly, is a miracle. 

Forget my Infertility......

When I see stuff like this, it makes my problems seem so small and trivial.  I stumbled upon this blog through another blog, and haven't stopped praying (and shedding some tears) since.  Please stop by... and lift Joanne up in your prayers.



*IF* I do get pregnant this month....

it certainly won't be because of a successful IUI :(  So, when I called the RE's office last week to talk about my impromptu IUI, she explained that when I get a positive OPK to call them.  Wellll, I got one Monday (or so it looked that way) and tried to call them and they were closed...she failed to tell me they would be closed!  Basically, my only option was to go ahead and go on in Tuesday morning and do the IUI.  Long story short, it was wayyy to soon...but this resulted in my understanding of a slight "issue" I might have.  We went ahead and did the IUI because I had the "goods" and didn't want to waste them.


I went in on CD16 and my follicles were only a 13 and a 14.  He said I probably wouldn't even ovulate until like Thursday or Friday, which would be CD18 or 19.  I've had a sneaky suspicion that I ovulate late, but didn't realize what a problem that actually can be!  Basically if your "luteal phase" isn't roughly about 12+ days long, it can be very hard to conceive.  The luteal phase starts the day that you ovulate until the day you get your period.  If an egg gets fertilized it needs time to travel to the uterus and get implanted...if the egg doesn't make it in time, your menstruation begins and flushes out the egg EVEN IF IT WAS FERTILIZED :(  It makes total sense to me.  I read that women with this issue can and do conceive, it just doesn't make it in time to the uterus.  My cycle length is generally 29-30 (no more, no less) days and if I ovulate around CD19, that is giving the egg only 10 or 11 days to make the journey :(  I'm not saying this is the absolute issue with me, but it really makes a lot of sense to me.  Jero's numbers yesterday were AWESOME, so I know his guys can get the job done ;)

My doc said that even though I ovulate regularly, I'm certainly a candidate for meds now that we know I ovulate much later.  The meds will help draw in that ovulation date by a couple days.  Annnd, apparently a high daily dose of B6 helps the luteal phase tremendously!  So, if no success this month I want to try meds with no IUI because it's much cheaper...and heaven knows, it's getting expensive! 

I will be back for an update soon :)  Praying, praying, praying for a miracle!!

Quick change...

So, in thinking about the possibility of doing an IUI in February, I realized that we will be in Orlando visiting my Grandpa right in the middle of the big "O"!  So my mind has been wandering around different options.  I knew it was too late to do an IUI this month because I'm currently on day 11...the usual protocol is to take Clomid on days 5-9, too late!  Well, my wandering mind and fingers (Dr. Google) took me to a place that I hadn't even thought of.

As we know to be true, I ovulate normally and regularly (and beautifully as my RE says).  I don't really need meds to ovulate, the only good thing for me is that the meds do help produce multiple and bigger follicles...BUT, I don't need meds!!  We've decided to do a last minute (less expensive) UNmedicated IUI cycle.  Basically we will do the baby dance on our own starting this weekend and throw in the IUI in the middle of next week closer to ovulation.  I'm really excited about this and just pray, pray, pray it WORKS!  Also, in conjuction with the IUI I will be using those "cups" I mentioned before.  They are used for fertility now and have a TON of positive (positive meaning positive pregnancy tests, yay) feedback!

I will keep ya'll updated :) :) :)

Absent...

I'm truly a bad blogger.  I guess I'm so caught up in TTC that if there isn't anything going on on that front, I have nothing to talk about...kinda pathetic :(  I honestly don't have much to talk about and don't wanna blog about my trivial days just to have something to blog about. 

So, I'm excited about the new year and pray it has better things in store for us.  I'm praying for change, mostly change within my own heart!  It's not something I can do on my own, and I am relying on the Lord for a renewed spirit, mind and heart :)

I wasn't ready to jump back into another IUI in January because of all the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  However, unless I get pregnant this month by some miracle from the fertility fairies, we will be doing a 3rd IUI next month.  I'm going to request a back to back IUI in hopes of success!!  If the 3rd one doesn't work, I doubt I will want to do a 4th.  We certainly can't afford IVF, but I would give anything to do IVF so I guess we could start saving for it?! 

This is probably way TMI and "over-sharing", but has anyone tried the "cups"...called Diva cup or some other name??  I won't go into detail, if you're TTC you know what I'm talking about.  So, I'm curious if anyone knows anything about these??

I'll be back with updates :)  THANK YOU so much for all the wonderful support, it means sooo much and I truly appreciate it. 

IUI #2

Did not work.  I was under the impression that the 1st failed IUI was the hardest...not true.  I'm in a funky place right now.  Tears overflowing :(  After the initial shock/pain of the negative results, now I am just left with an overwhelming feeling of just letting people down...again.  It's ok though, clearly His timing is just not right yet.  I've just lost a lot of steam, but will prayerfully gain some strength and courage back to move on.